Ted: Yeah. You could pick a lock with that penis.
Jack: Hey, that's okay. There's plenty of guys around here with small penises. Bill's got one. Hey, Bill - come on over here and show him your penis! Bill, this is Doug.
Bill: Hey, Doug.
Doug: Hey, Bill.
Bill: So I guess you have a pretty small penis.
Doug: Yeah, I guess so.
Bill: Well, that's okay. I hear it really doesn't matter to women.
Doug: Yeah, I read that.
Jack: Okay you two, enough small penis talk.
Ted: Hey, guys, wanna see my pictures from Barbados?
All: Yeah, sure.
Ted: Okay. That's me with some friends on a catamaran.
Jack: Penis looks great.
Ted: Thanks. Here's me, playing tennis with my father.
Bob: Hey, you've really got your dad's penis.
Ted: Yeah. By the way, Jack, what have you done with your penis? It looks super!
Jack: Oh, I go to this place on Long Island. They do great work.
Ted: Wow. You got the address?
Ted: Great. I'll write it on my penis so I won't forget.
Bill: So, Doug, where are you from?
Doug: Montpelier, Vermont.
Jack: Oooh...cold up there. Must be tough on the penis.
Bob: Bill, you're from Denver, right?
Ted: Good penis town.
Woman #1: Hey, everybody!
Jack: Hey girls!
Woman #2: Hey, who's the new guy with the penis?
Bob: Oh, that's Doug.
Woman #1: Hey Doug.
Woman #2: Hey, pretty small penis.
Woman #1: That's okay.
Doug: Hey, thanks.
Woman #2: Hey, Dave just made a great sand penis sculpture. You should come and see it before the tide comes in.
Woman #1: Yeah, it's got testicles and everything!
Ted: Great. We'll check it out.
Bill: See, Doug, you had nothing to worry about.
Doug: Yeah, I guess not.
Jack: Hey, who wants to sing the club anthem?
Bob: Okay, I'll start: "I once had a penis sing to me
His Penis Penis song
And when that Penis Penis sang
Here was the Penis's song
He'd sing me..."
All: "Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis, penis song.
Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long.
Penis, penis, penis, penis..."
[Jack/Kevin Nealon steps forward]
Jack: Hi, I'm Kevin Nealon. What you just saw was an attempt to make an important point - that wherever you go, no matter how you look on the outside, we're all pretty much the same. You know, when the Standards Department was dissolved here at NBC, we welcomed it as an opportunity to deal with issues like these in a frank way. And to be honest, we're a little disheartened by the snickering we heard during this presentation. It kind of makes us wonder if there's room for serious discussion of these subjects on television. So to those of you who missed the point - grow up. Really.
All: "Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long..."
I particularly liked how Kevin Nealon stepped forward and delivered his monologue, and then told the audience to “grow up.” He even calls it a “serious discussion.” Yeah, it is about as serious as the time Dennis Miller sang Cat Stevens. And about as serious as the time…well, honestly, has anything on this show ever been serious?Conclusion
Well, retro junkies, this has been the first of several articles on a controversial moment in “Saturday Night Live” history. I know of many more, but to me, this sketch deserved its own article – it stood out, being that the late 1980s are my area of expertise, and it was also a moment that bewilders me as to why it was so taboo to begin with. Well, I know why, but still, it was just meant to be fun.
I also wanted to mention that these pictures were taken with my new Canon Elura 100 camcorder. I think the quality is a step up from my Nikon Coolpix, but I am still learning how to use it, and I promise the next article's pictures won't be off-centered. I can't help but notice the television showing up in the pictures, but as soon as I learn to better zoom the camera in, this will be a thing of the past. Bear with me, it's a new gadget!
Anyway you look at it, I hope you enjoyed this first post-four-parter article, and will continue to keep your support for my work strong.
For now, this is Allison Venezio, your “Saturday Night Live” Guru, signing off.
“Penis, penis, penis, penis…penis all day long!”
There are some things I’ll never get out of my head. This is one of them. ~Allison Venezio, aka “Allison_SNLKid,” your “Saturday Night Live” Guru, owner of the most extensive "Saturday Night Live" collections since 1997.