Bart:
"(After his KKK uniform comes off) And now for my next impression...Jesse Owens!" (He runs off)"
Jim:
"(To Bart) You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know...morons."
Jim:
"(To Bart) What did you expect? 'Welcome, sonny'? 'Make yourself at home'? 'Marry my daughter'?"
Lili:
"Hello, handsome. Is that a ten-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?"
Hedley:
"(To his assembled thugs) Go do that voodoo that you do so well!"
Adolf Hitler:
"They lose me right after the bunker scene."
Hedley:
"Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property: the rightful owners."
Bart:
"Well, raise my rent. You ARE the Waco Kid."
Lepetomane:
"(After Hedley is annoyed by being called Hedy Lamarr)
What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*."
Bart:
"Hey, Charlie. What is it that's not exactly water and it ain't exactly earth?" (Charlie joins in) "QUICKSAND!"
Mexican:
"(Upon seeing Mongo)
Mongo! Santa Maria!"
Bart:
"Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?"
Howard:
"We don't care if it's the first act of 'Henry V'. We're leaving!"
Hedley:
"(After slapping a ranting Lili) Shut up, you Teutonic twat!"
Waco Kid:
"(to two Klansmen) Hey, boys. (pulling Bart up by the back of his collar) look what I got here."
Bart:
"Where all the white women at?
(Klansmen chase the two behind a rock and are beaten up by The Waco Kid and Bart)."
Hedley Lamarr:
"I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nimwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists!"
Taggart:
"Could you repeat that, sir?"
Taggart:
"I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge."
Hedley Lamarr:
"How?"
Taggart:
"We'll kill the first born male child in every household."
Hedley Lamarr:
"Too Jewish."
Bart:
"(After Lili whispers a shocking suggestion to him) Baby, I am not from Havana!"
Taggart:
"(After an oration by Hedley) Ditto!"
Hedley:
"DITTO, YOU PROVINCIAL PUTZ?"
Bart:
"Telegram for Mongo!"
Jim:
"(On what he wants to do) Play chess...Screw."
Bart:
"Let's play chess!"