What I Learned from GI Joe

What I learned from the GI Joe cartoon -- and I don't mean the PSAs!
March 05, 2009
I had the pleasure of buying and watching the old GI Joe cartoon series on DVD the other day. What a treat! There are many things you can learn from the GI Joes - and I'm not just talking about water safety or "stop, drop and roll". Here are a few of the things I learned from watching GI Joe as a kid.

Successful Men have Moustaches - You won't find too many GI Joes who aren't sporting bitching 'staches. If they don't have a moustache, they're either a ninja who wears a mask all the time anyway (which is equally as bitching) OR they're an enemy spy in disguise. Lesson 1: Grow a moustache, and don't trust anyone without one.

Moustaches: Large and in charge

Black People Talk in Rhyme - There's this one character named Roadblock who's a big huge black guy that has a shaved head and only speaks in rhyme. Here's an example of his skillz, "Play it straight, or there's no doubt - I'll turn your eyeballs inside out." You can imagine my disappointment as a kid when I'd meet black people in real life and they only spoke normal English. What the hell is that! Lesson 2: If you ever meet a black person, it's cool to ask them to lay down a fresh couplet or two when you're cold hard chilling.

Oh Snap: Roadblock will dutifully turn this motha out

In a Professional Setting, Women Prefer to be Treated Playfully - There's a fine line between friendliness and outright sexual harassment, and most of the GI Joe team is trying to get some straight-up play all over that line all day long at the office. But the ladies seem to enjoy it. They flirt back, which I suppose is an equally valuable lesson for any girls who watch GI Joe. Lesson 3: Females are not objects, unless you're both alone on a jungle mission, in which case it's totally cool to put the moves on her and tell the boys back at HQ about it later. Go Joe!

Sexual Harassment: Giant turn-on

Kung Fu Solves Problems - The GI Joes are experts at punching, chopping, and kicking their way out of textbook problem situations. Their philosophy is punch first and ask questions later, and that should be your philosophy as well. The Joes don't get "investigated" by grand juries, closed-door Pentagon hearings, or armed forces tribunals. Hell no. Everyone knows - and respects - that they play by their own rules. Sorry amigo, the Joes operate by a strict policy of "check yourself before you wreck yourself." Lesson 4: Use violence only as a last resort, except in cases where you can use it as a first resort.

POW Biatch: How's 12 weeks of drinking your meals through a straw sound?

God bless the men and women of GI Joe. They're keeping this country safe, and teaching all of us young'uns valuable lessons for life.
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