Toys you never wanted 2

11 more toys that probably shouldn't exist
November 09, 2012
There are lots of movies. Like millions. Would you believe they made a toy line out of most of them? Well they did. Below is another list of toy lines from movies that shouldn't exist. I wish I was making some of these up.

10. Street Fighter - The Movie

I got to give this one a little credit. It's at least based on a somewhat successful line of video games. And has a sadistically impressive array of weapons. However, the movie left a little to be desired. So it probably seemed like a no brainer to release a line of toys based on the movie. But the thing I cannot let go about this line of toys is that


Seriously, look at the HUGE picture of JCVD on the package. Now look at the figure. Looks more like the video game version doesn't it? So why release the same figure in a new box? The answer is always "Kids will never know the difference".

"See right shows that every kid is a dumb ass"

9. Congo

This one comes as a suggestion from last time. I don't have much to say about this toy line, as I never even considered wanting any toys related to Congo. But one of my favorite things about this toy line is that they have to distinguish that it's for "Congo The Movie" not "Congo" the place in Africa.
But let's assume you were a kid in the mid 90's who loved Congo. I mean really loved the shit out of this movie. Do you remember seeing this in stores? It probably made a brief stint in the toy aisle before being moved to the discount section and eventually Goodwill. But maybe it's collectible now.

8. Mortal Kombat The Movie

Let's call this one like it is. This is a GI Joe. It was marketed as a GI Joe. What is the difference between Mortal Kombat toys and the Mortal Kombat The Movie toys? It's the little sticker on the side that says "Special Movie Edition". They didn't even try. At least Street Fighter put JCVD on the package.
Notice the distinguishing feature of shitty movie toys in the picture. Does it look like Sonya Blade in the movie? No? Well shit.

"Won't I ever have an action figure that looks like me?"

7. Turbo Man

I see what they did here. A movie about a hard to find toy for Christmas. Release it and hope the same thing happens. Seems fool proof right?
Did you own a Turbo Man? Did you even like Jingle All the Way? Well from what I can gather from Twitter, not a lot of people are talking about it. Like I said, I see what they did here. It took balls. I remember seeing these at the store (K-Mart probably) and thinking "Isn't that Turbo Man from Jingle All the Way?". And then not caring one fucking bit about it. Well okay, I'll admit I was slightly intrigued. But I figured it wouldn't last and it'd be just another yard sale item in a few months. In fact I bet the bulk of these were sold in yard sales. Or China. That would be something...we ship something back to China to sell on the streets.

6. The Shadow

Okay, I'll admit that these toys weren't THAT bad. The Shadow looks fairly cool and it includes two guns. But ask yourself, if you're a kid in the toy aisle and can only have one toy. Are you going to pick a toy based on Alec Baldwin or are you going to complete your X-Men line up? The answer is X-Men every time.
But it's not like they didn't try with this. They made all kinds of figures and vehicles and hoped kids would bite. Problem was...just not that many kids knew exactly who The Shadow was.

Cool motorcycle or risky toy gamble?

5. Super Mario Bros The Movie

It's always been my dream to play with Bob Hoskins in red overalls. So once I learned he was playing "Mario" in the movie loosely based on the ass hole from Donkey Kong, I was super excited. Little did I realize the horrors that would ensue. Was any kid really able to reconcile the Super Mario Bros movie with what they thought the premise of the game was? No.
Super Mario Bros The Movie was the Vietnam of video game movies. Sure there are shittier ones out there, but the sheer magnitude of how disappointing it was is staggering. I'm not even going to talk about the toys.
4. Last Action Hero

File this one in "bottom of the toy box". This is the kind of toy you would get at Kay-bee toys when all they had were shitty X-Men toys that were girls. You tried to justify that it was Arnold and all that, but something felt off. You felt cheated. I don't know if it's the fact that he comes with weights and a brick wall or what. But there is just something about it that's not right. You can try pretending he's a terminator, but really, what terminator would be caught dead wearing red. Goes against their programming.
Interestingly enough, this is the second movie based toy line where the chick from Billy Madison shows up. Not sure if they made her an action figure yet.
And sure enough this toy line tried the whole "kids are idiots" thing by releasing multiple versions of the same character only dressed slightly different.

"sheyeaah, like we wouldn't notice"

3. Demolition Man

This one is on the list because it does what any shitty toy company does when it has too many of an older figure.


They totally reused a shitty He-Man toy line that should probably be on this list. Some of these toys don't even look like they belong in the fucking series. Like seriously, once you open up the package and throw it away, good luck remembering what it's from. Some of these guys look like they could be packaged up in any toy line and make just as much sense. This is beyond lazy and goes far beyond cutting corners. If you're going to make a toy, make a toy. Don't recycle a bunch of shitty figures and hope we buy them.

2. Battlefield Earth

This is probably the only toy on the list that was inspired by religious documents. I'm almost at a loss to what to say about this line of toys. I mean you have the movie, it was so bad it inspired a new era in movie reviews. So many people dislike this movie that it's not even funny. This makes 'Broken Arrow' look like Empire Strikes Back. This is the Jamie Kennedy of movies.
This is not only shameless promotion of a movie, but bad investing. What would any toy company that just got done making toys for the new Godzilla movie do? If you said cut your losses and make bras you'd be wrong. They put all their chips onto 'Battlefield Earth'.
Now imagine the series of events that had to happen for this to come to be. You have a room full of people who think this is a good idea. People making these toys, studying the likenesses of the characters. WATCHING THE FUCKING MOVIE. You'd think at a certain point they'd realize that they didn't have a hit movie on their hands. But hey, it worked for Star Wars right?
Moral of the story is that if you make toys based on Battlefied Earth, your company will go under. And that's exactly what happened to them.

1. Meteor Man

This is it folks. We are done. Everybody can go home. Turn off the lights.

So there comes a time in history when a culture reaches rock bottom. As a country, as a planet, as a species...everybody fucks up eventually. This point was reached in the 90's. Specifically when this movie was made and especially when it was released. I'm not even going to type out the name of the movie again. As far as I can tell, this is the ONLY toy released for this movie. Nothing else. Just him. And to be honest, I don't even know enough about the movie to guess who else could be made into a toy.

But let's break this down. This was made by Olmec Toys. How many of us have fond memories of playing with the great 'Sun-Man' series from Olmec toys? don't? Never heard of them? Sound like pieces of shit? Well yes, yes they are.

Rip offs of the He-Man rip offs

Basically This series was a more culturally diverse line of He-Man toys. Which leads us back to the toy at hand and starts to explain a bit more about Olmec toys. But let's imagine you are of a more culturally diverse background. Maybe even the head of a toy company. What would be the best way to portray your culture to the masses in a positive way? (Hint: the answer is never make shitty toys)

"A super hero for the 90's". Wow. In other countries people get shot for less. Owning this toy would be like being Paul Reubens in the 90's. This is the toy you hid from your friends when they came over. This is the toy that wouldn't sell at a yard sale and for some reason wouldn't burn. Years later you'd find this under the waiting room table at a doctor's office with an arm missing. Somewhere in the world is a whole room of these figures. Some of them are in boxes, some of them are loose. There is a single chair in the room. A lone light bulb on a cord hanging from the ceiling. A drip, drip of water in the background.

Honorable Mention

I'm just throwing this one in here for fun. Shaq has so many things out there to make fun of, this little gem usually goes by the way side. But I'll tell you what, this gives Batman and Robin a run for their money. This is for sure one of those toys that grocery stores sell and only desperate parents get.
However do not confuse the Superman "Steel" with this. The Superman Steel is awesome and would make an awesome toy. This is what Halle Berry's Cat Woman is to Batman. If you had a Steel action figure, I'm sorry.
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