Gimme That Olde Tyme Fun

Taking 'retro' to the extreme
April 24, 2009
Hey, I love technology and progress as much as the next guy. But let's face it -- some things have gotten worse over the years, not better. I know there are a few things we could improve by bringing back the "old timey" way of doing it. Let's turn back the clock to see how our 19th century brethren lived and see if we can't revitalize some of their ways of life for our benefit today.

Old-Timey Bicycles: One big wheel in the front; a small one in the back. Ever hear the expression that doing something is so easy to remember that it's as natural as riding a bike? You can bet your sweet fanny they weren't referring to one of these. These bicycles were actually a challenge to riders; requiring both a permit from the city to operate one as well as a bachelors in physics to maintain balance on one. People in the 19th century didn't have to worry about kids terrorizing the neighborhood on bicycles because children would never be able mount and actually stay on one of these iron beasts. The streets will be quiet once again, God help me.

The Old Sledgehammer: "Big front wheel, iron handlebars...lucky!"

Old-Timey Locomotives: All aboard! About a week ago, I was stuck on the runway in Atlanta for an hour and a half waiting for about seventy airplanes to take off so my flight could be on its way. Let's put all of the bloated, heartless airlines out of business by bringing back steam engine travel. Sure, trains may take two weeks to get to your destination, and yes, you may run the risk of Indian or wild buffalo attacks, but the dramatic decrease in travel hassle will be well worth it. Next time your grandmother is struck with the consumption, tell your grandfather to skip the airport, and pick you up at the train station -- you'll be on the 4:15 Union Pacific from Albuquerque. Tickets please!

Buffalo: If not extinct, you would be able to hunt these bastards from your train with ease.
Old-Timey Boxers: Back when boxing was a gentleman's pursuit, the rival pugilists were physical specimens of tall, lanky strongmen with burly handlebar moustaches and long pants. The fights or "boxing matches" would often go over 100 rounds and last for many days. There was no biting, low blows, or sucker punches to the back of the head. The fighting was kept clean and courteous, unlike today's bouts between hardened convicted felons who are hell-bent on beating their opponent into ground beef like a prison stoolie. Let's restore boxing's respectable facade and bring back some old-timey fighters. Prepare for the thumping of a lifetime, Phineas!

"Kid" Georgie Vickers: Once bested Jarvis "Left Eye" Neville in a 91-round performance worthy of President Cleveland himself

Old-Timey Swimsuits: Finally -- a way to cover up those unsightly man breasts and copious back hair! The one-piece shoulder-to-knee mansuit is the modern answer for a historic problem -- ugly men at the beach. I love the improvements in ladies swimwear over the years, which achieved perfection with the bikini in the 1960s. But for some sick reason, as women's wear got skimpier, so did the men's. The last time I saw a 70 year old guy in a speedo at the beach, I tossed my cookies and somehow sensed it was time for a change. Ring in the age of total-coverage male swimwear with me, won't you?

Mansuit: Hide your plate-sized nipples in shame, Thaddeus

On second thought, maybe 'the good old days' were not as good as originally thought.

I'm serious about the mansuit thing, though.
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