Movie Sign: HELP!

The Beatles Sophomore Film has more excitement and craziness!
February 28, 2013
Hi again, everyone welcome back and...


This month's movie, like I promised is "Help"! featuring the Beatles, British actors Leo McKern, Elanor Bron, Victor Spinetti, and Roy Kinnear (Who has NO connections to Greg Kinnear). Now, I remember watching this movie in its entirety on my PBS affiliate (WVIZ), there was a money pledge that they would do every quarter and "Help" was the film they played. I just finished eating Burger King and it was a treat at the time, now it's a meal because people just got sooooo damn lazy to make a REAL dinner!

Now like my last review...if you saw this film, you know what happens. If you didn't see this film...there's spoiler alerts!

Originally, the movie was supposed to be called "Eight Arms To Hold You", but Lennon created a song about the stress of Beatlemania which was called "Help!" and that became the title. It starts with Swami Klang (McKern) who's about to sacrifice someone to his god Kaili, but the sacrifice was postponed because Ahme (Bron) realized that the ring was missing, where could it be? It was in England on Ringo's finger! Pure Irony!...

So Klang takes Ahme and his assistant Bhuta to England. The Beatles are seen returning after a Hard Day's Night (I had to put that in)! It looks like The Beatles would live in a suburban England community, but their houses is a big house with a bedroom that's separated by four colors. Ringo's room was blue and had vending machines, John's room was brown and he had a library and a sunken bed, Paul's room was white and had an organ that came from the basement, and George's room was green and had fake grass as well as a gardener.

So as Paul plays the organ, John reads a book, George relaxes, Ringo gets himself some food. But Ahme was hiding in the sandwich machine. She tries to get the ring off with her teeth, but bites Ringo instead. Klang gets frustrated and would have Ahme try again when The Beatles were asleep. Ahme would use a grabber like what Billy Mays would advertise and try to get the ring off Ringo's hand...but wakes-up Ringo instead and the other Beatles would wake up as well. The next day, Klang tries to bribe The Beatles without success so Klang's Gang would have five more attempts to get the ring off Ringo.

1...Magnetic elevator. 2...Handcuffs in the Mailbox. 3...Rigged Weight Machine. 4...Reverse Hand-Dryer, where we see Ahme as the mole in the Klang Gang. 5...Drill a hole from the basement and take Ringo's ring by using a chainsaw, but Ahme would rescue Ringo. So the Beatles would walk down London for lunch at an Indian restaurant, but Klang's Gang would signal each other to alert Klang who was having lunch with an Anglican Priest. So Klang and his gang would crowd in an Ice Cream Truck as a decoy and arrive where The Beatles were having lunch. Klang's Gang would sabotage the place by becoming the crew at the Indian restaurant. Ahme would replace the harem Paul would be by and she says everything about the Kaili does Klang as The Beatles try to enjoy their mulligatawny soup (I think that's what it is soup).

But once Klang got a giant sword that would cut the table in half, The Beatles go to the nearest jewler who tries to remove it...but failed. So he sends them to Professor Foot (Spinetti) who's a professional mad scientist and Algernon (Kinnear) who's the bumbling assistant. The first thing Foot used was a machine that would extend the rings off of Ringo's hand. But the sacrificial ring stayed on Ringo and he suffers from a Wardrobe Malfunction!

Then Ahme would rescue The Beatles and would return to their house where the Beatles would serenade Ahme and she would use a syringe to make Ringo's finger shrink. Ahme's sister who was the original sacrifice is now safe and secure...but Ringo's isn't!





It's a very short part two with Ahme's sister getting bathed and her mom is yelling at her!



Ahme would get ready to shrink Ringo's finger, but Klang's Gang would be waiting to sacrifice Ringo. They would bang on the doors and windows, startling Ahme and accidentally gives the shot to Paul which would make HIM shrink! So Ahme would hide and Klang's Gang would fight with the Beatles. Paul would be on the ground draping himself with a gum wrapper, finding shelter in an ashtray, and would wind-up getting an orange pop bath (Yes, I call it pop...I'm sooooo from the Midwest)!

But once Klang's Gang would paint Ringo red and attempt to kill him...Foot and Algernon would barge in and scare Klang's Gang away. Foot informed Ringo to give up the ring, Ringo would try to get the sacrificial ring off, but thought he killed Paul (Is this the origin of the "Paul is Dead" scenario)? But Paul would return to normal and Foot and Algeron would leave.

The Beatles would then vacation in the Alps, but Klang's Gang, and Foot and Algernon would follow The Beatles to get the ring back. The skiing scene was actually improvised since The Beatles NEVER skied before! Foot's first attempt in the Alps was hanging Ringo on his foot on a ski-lift. The next one was a decoy curling stone which was a bomb! The Beatles would run away from the curling bomb, but it made a hole in the ice and Mal Evans would make a cameo as a swimmer for the British Team. Next was Klang's turn, who was disguised as a snowman throughout the entire scene. Ahme would get The Beatles to safety, but have Klang win the gold metal for a fabulous ski-jump.

Frustrated, Klang would set fire to the Beatles ski poles and they would get to the closest train station and return to London.


Meanwhile at Scotland Yard...


Ringo would explain everything to the inspector who volunteers to help The Beatles from Klang who would try again to sacrifice Ringo on the telephone with a raga band and arrows with a red balloon filled with paint. So the inspector gets The Beatles protection as they do a recording on Salisbury Hill but Klang's Gang would disguise themselves again as a British Army and has Ahme place the dynamite where The Beatles were performing...but she too had a decoy, a tape player. Once the dynamite exploded, the REAL British Army would fire and Ahme saves The Beatles while driving a tank. Klang would have a bazooka to be aimed toward the tank that The Beatles were in and despite blasting the tank...The Beatles and Ahme find refuge in a haystack.

The next scene is at London's Buckingham Palace where The Beatles and the Inspector stay for protection, but Foot (Disguised as the Queen's Guardian) tries to get the ring by using sleeping gas, but The Beatles use the hose that the gas would be transported to by a group of other Queen's Guards who pass-out from the sleeping gas. Foot would see that his trick didn't work, so he gets Algernon to use a machine from Holland to slow the Beatles down, but luckily...the Royal Fuse blows-out and The Beatles flee to safety. Then the fuse gets fixed and gives the Royal Staff a slow-motion feel.

So The Beatles see a Scottish Guardsmen Band, but it was Klang's Gang who used the bagpipes to squirt red paint. So The Beatles go to a Pub and order beer...with the way things are going right now, they sure could drink a few tall ones! But Ringo's beer was stuck on the bar table and it was set to a trap door where Klang pops-up and surrounds the other Beatles until they jump through the window. In the basement of the Pub, Ringo tries to open the door, but the handle slides-off. Then he would try to use a ladder, but the centers of the ladder steps were sawed. So Ringo tries to escape from the window, but there was an escaped tiger from the London Zoo which was a gift from Berlin. Ahme tells Ringo to sing Beethoven's 9th Symphony "Ode to Joy" and the tiger will rest. The Inspector and the cops (Bobbies) then arrive to tell them that Ringo is safe...or is he? The Beatles, Inspector, and the Bobbies go to the Pub and see Ringo in danger with a the Inspector starts to sing "Ode to Joy" which everyone in the Pub starts to sing with Lennon playing the harp (harmonica) and everyone at Wembly Stadium joining-in.

So The Beatles disguise themselves as elderly people using their trip to The Bahamas as a decoy...but they DO go to The Bahamas. And so does...Klang and Ahme, And so does...the Inspector with the Bahamas Police Constables, And so does...Foot and Algernon. The Beatles would enjoy their time at The Bahamas which was starting to become an independent country at this time, but kept their ties to the United Kingdom. Then...Klang's Gang would attack and chase the Beatles, but Ahme would bring them to safety in the temple that was under a rock for Ringo's sacrifice. The Beatles meet-up with Klang's mother who was cleaning the temple. But Klang's Gang find the Beatles and Ahme has them escape in the sacrificial altar which had water in it and it leads to the Hotel Pool and we see The Beatles ride on bikes and reconsider returning to The Temple.

Klang rents a Goodyear blimp and he has his assistant make footprints to send the Beatles to the temple. Paul spots red footprints and talks like an Indian...American Indian that is! The Inspector and the Constables follow the Beatles so that nothing bad happens to them. However, the temple that The Beatles were supposed to be at was an abandoned Military Fort which hasn't been used since World War II. It actually was a trap desinged by Klang which imprisons the Beatles in a cell that's electrocuted, but George escapes and would kick some butt along the way. Ringo would fall through a trap door and both Foot and Algernon would take Ringo for a ride in their car. George would jump on the car that Foot and Algernon would drive and it crashes into a tree and the car stalls. Foot tells Algernon to turn the car and that moment, George opens-up the trunk of the car and though he sees Ringo in there, he decides to do some tire work and remove one of the tires on Foot's car. The car crashes, George and Ringo leave, and the Inspector (with John and Paul) had a good idea to fool Klang...the plan worked, at least with fooling Klang's Gang. But it didn't fool Foot or Algernon which capture Ringo and try to get the ring off with surgery, unfortunately Ahme was on the boat and attempts to shrink Ringo's finger again until Foot and Algernon find what Ahme was doing...then Foot spots the shrinking juice and is focused on that now rather than the ring, making Ahme and Ringo jump-off the boat...but Ringo couldn't swim and Klang's Gang finally capture Ringo to begin the sacrifice!

Klang starts the sacrifice with his troops making sand pits just in case Ringo's friends, the Inspector, and/or the Constables come by. Ringo would warn the Constables while Klang is chanting and...the sacrificial ring finally comes off! Ringo then puts the ring on Klang and Ahme decides to sacrifice Klang for all the stuff he put the Beatles through. And though Ringo is red again...he likes it, but John and George would clean the red paint off of Ringo while the Constables would take Klang's Gang to jail. A lot of shenaningans happen, Klang would have the ring removed before he got sacrificed, Foot and Algernon get Klang to translate the shrinking juice, Mal Evans comes by realizing he made a wrong turn, and Klang would chase his assistant who put the ring on his finger.

And this movie was dedicated to Elias Howe...who invented the sewing machine!

And it ends with the cast seen through the sacrificial ring while "Barber of Seville" is played.


Unlike "A Hard Day's Night", it has more of a James Bond meets Marx Brothers feel..."A Hard Day's Night" just has a Marx Brothers feel, something like "Monkey Business", "Help"! is more like "Duck Soup". And ever since I was 11, I've been a fan of The Beatles...and since it's their 50th anniversary I thought why not talk about my favorite Beatles movie? And I give "Help"!...


It's a good film, and it actually inspired the music video with The Beatles music such as "Help", "Ticket to Ride", and "Another Girl" which have a music video feel. So the Beatles were ahead of their time, 15 years before MTV!

I'll have more Beatlemania articles on here next year when it would be the 50th Anniversary of their arrival to the states! But the next movie sign...since Easter is around the corner and candy is involved...Willy Wonka!
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