They Call Me John

A look at the worlds greatest Johns
April 15, 2008
They Call Me "John"

You may not notice it but John or variations of the name John, "Johnny" being the most prominent is the most powerful and perhaps even most awesome name ever. Name your child John and they will do well for themselves. Be it in film, video games, comics or more. Don't believe me? Don't know where the hell I'm even getting this malarkey? Well heres a list that is all the proof that you will ever need to see it for yourself.

-Johnny Cage
Is it a surprise to anyone that one of the best characters in Mortal Kombat is named Johnny? For some reason hes often times make to be the butt of the joke in the Mortal Kombat series, I can't see why though Mr. Cage is a butt kicker extraordinare. Sure hes full of himself but when your as good as Johnny Cage your entitled to have a little bit of an ego. At the start of the series Johnny Cage was getting panned by critics and fans alike saying that he used to many special effects in his movies but Cage's shadow kick and force ball weren't special effects. To prove to everyone that he was the real deal he entered the Mortal Kombat tournament and kicked all kinds of tail. Cage has a fantastic resume, Mortal Kombat hero, martial artist supreme and the greatest movie action hero of them all. He even proved that death wasn't enough to hold him down by coming back from the dead on several occasions. Cage proves just how tough he is every time he does to splits to punch someone in the boys as well. Anyone who has ever tied will agree to the fact that it is not an easy task.
To Awesome for Hollywood: According to the games Johnny Cage has starred in several movies with great titles such as, "The Gist of my Fist", "24 Karate Gold", "Dragon Fist", "Dragon Fist 2", "Son of Dragon Fist" and of course "HWAAAAA!!" for which he won an Oscar for.

-Big John Studd
When your name has John AND Studd, well thats just about the manliest name that you can get can't you? Then you throw in a Big at the start and well forget about it. If there is one thing Big John Studd was it was manly. Back before Hulk Hogan beat Andre the Giant no one else had even come close aside from the late great Big John Studd, who was the only man to take Andre to the brink of defeat. Back in the Mid 1980's Big John Studd came to the WWE and proclaimed that he was the true giant in the wrestling world, and offered $15,000 to the man who could body slam him. This led to Studd teaming with fellow Hennan Family member Ken Patera to face S.D. Jones and Andre the Giant. The match ended up in a disqualification after cheating by the part of Studd and Patera, but it was what happened after the match that would be remembered. Studd and Patera beat up the beloved Andre The Giant and did the unthinkable by shaving off the beautiful fro that had become one of Andre's Trademarks. The feud climaxed during the very first Wrestlemania in a body slam challenge match against Andre which saw Andre finally give Studd his comeuppance by body slamming him a image that has become one of the most played clips in wrestling history. Studd also became one of the first challengers to Hulk Hogan's world title. Studd then went on a leave of absence from the WWE for a few years. After finally returning he went on to his crowning achievement in his career by winning the 1989 Royal Rumble, it was the second Royal Rumble but the first to be broadcasted on Pay Per View and the first to have thirty men involved, the first only had twenty. After that he was the special guest referee at the Wrestlemana V match that pitted Andre The Giant vs. Jake The Snake Roberts. Unfortunately it was not long after that that Studd was forced to retire due to a sickness that was brought on by taking growth hormones. Even more unfortunate was on March 20th 1995 the legendary Big John Studd passed away at the young age of 47 after a battle with both liver cancer and Hodgkin's disease. His fame still continues to this day and was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2004 by the current giant of the WWE The Big Show. His son John Minton Jr. accepted the award on his late fathers behalf.
To awesome for The Heenan Family: When he returned to the WWE he did so on The Brother Love Show and was welcomed back with open arms by Bobby Heenan but Studd no longer wanting anything to do with Heenan or the Heenan Family chased off both Heenan and Brother Love, becoming a beloved fan favorite and began feuding with The Heenan Family which now included his old arch enemy Andre The Giant who had turned his back on his fans.

-Johnny Blaze A.K.A. The Ghost Rider
Forget about that Nicolas Cage flick that came out last year, Johnny Blaze, A.K.A The Ghost Rider is a total Badass. Just the look of this guy says that you had better think twice about messing around with him. Bikers can be dangerous enough as it is, Bikers with a flaming skull for a head that can stare into your eyes and make you feel every ounce of pain that you have delt to others in your whole entire sorry existence of a life while being wrapped in a chain upside down is enough to scare the holy living bajeebers out of anyone or anything, I don't care who you are.
To awesome for The Devil: Instead of being Mephisto's spirit of vengeance, he turns on him and vows to use the power of vengeance that was given to him to use it on Mephisto himself.

-John Walker A.K.A. U.S. Agent
Back when The U.S. Government decided that Steve Rogers wasn't going to be Captain America anymore, they enlisted John Walker, who at that point in his super hero career was The Super Patriot, to become the new Captain America. However Walker almost had a mental breakdown after the murder of his parents and his fighting methods became to brutal. After teaming up with Steve Rogers against the Red Skull the government decided to give the mantle of Captain America back to Rogers. Walker decided that he wasn't ready to give up wearing the flag just yet though, creating the alter ego of The U.S. Agent. He wore the flag with a whole lot of black, a variation of another costume that Steve Rogers had worn. This costume had alot more black in it as well, In other words your messing with a John now and not a Steve, so be ready to get your ass handed to you if you ever try anything. Walker is such a jerk that if he saw a someone accidentally get a stain on a shirt with the American flag on it while eating he is liable to knock there block off for desecrating the flag.
To awesome for Captain America: While in the role of Captain America, John Walker tried to use the same code of ethics that Steve Rogers had used but was often far more violent in his actions.

-Johnny Storm A.K.A. The Human Torch
When it comes to the John's of the Marvel Universe no one can touch The Human Torch, and thats not just because hes to hot to touch. As a member of marvels first family, The Fantastic Four, The Torch is one of the foremost defenders of the Marvel Universe against any and all threats against it. Glacatus, Mephisto, Dr. Doom, you name the villain the Torch has had a hand in at least one of there defeats. Plus between all of this he manages to hassle the ever lovin' blue eyed Thing whenever he has a chance just for fun. Matches between your toes? Yeah the old hot foot trick is just one of the classics that the laid back Johnny Storm does. Few know it but although he might be one of Marvels most popular heroes but he is also got away with identity theft. One of the original Marvel super heroes was a android who had the same powers of Johnny Storm and went under the name of The Human Torch. Fast forward twenty years or so, and Johnny Storm gets bombarded with cosmic rays, gets the same ability's as the android and decides to use the same name. I'm not sure if he already knew about the existence of the original Human Torch but ever since he showed up on the scene the original has been nearly forgotten and when someone says Human Torch everyone always thinks of Johnny Storm.
To awesome for children: When the 1960's Fantastic Four cartoon hit airwaves people quickly noticed that The Human Torch was left out in favor for a stupid robot named H.E.R.B.I.E. The reason was because the companies involved with the cartoon thought that he was to dangerous and that children who tried to emulate the hero while playing might set fire to themselves.

-John Stewart A.K.A. One of the Green Lanterns
I'm not talking about the host of The Daily Show, I'm talking about the John Stewart that kicks butt and takes names. This John is a member of the super awesome space police called The Green Lantern Corp and has become one of the most popular Green Lanterns ever. Hes the number two Green Lantern of Space Sector 2814, Earth. When the top Lantern, Hal Jordan, or between Jordan's reigns of top dog, Kyle Rayner, were out of town, which is often when your a space cop Stewart watches over earth from other worldly threats and often times is the Green Lantern picked to be in The Justice League. After Green Lantern Guy Garnder was seriously injured John Stewart, then a former U.S. Marine who was now an architect, was selected as Hal Jordan's backup. Stewart has been around kicking space tail all ever since. His background as an architect also allows him to make some of the most efficient things made form the green lantern ring, everything he makes from it is strong, solid and sturdy. Stewart is so awesome that he took a page out of Captain Kirk's book of hitting on the alien ladies and did him one better by marrying one. He was also the Green Lantern that was featured in the new Justice League animated series and its follow up Justice League Unlimited.
To awesome for the green lantern ring: It has been shown that John Stewart's willpower actually exceeded the power of his ring, when he tried to recreate an entire planet out of scratch.

-J'onn J'onzz A.K.A. The Martian Manhunter
Heres a guy that knows the score! He knew the name was so powerful he named himself John twice! I mean sure he misspelled it both times but I'll let it go since hes an alien and all, and yeah some times its misinterpreted for John Jones but we all know its John Johns. Anyways this guy is one of DC's big seven that also includes Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern & Aquaman, and rightfully so. Much like Superman this guy has so many powers that they are practically flying out of his caboose. He has superhuman strength, speed, flight, telepathy and shape shifting abilities. I'm not even sure if thats it, I think it is but there might be some that I'm forgetting about as well. Unfortunately for Martian Manhunter his weakness isn't quite as rare as kryptonite, in fact its pretty common. Its fire. Very sad I know. For a while it was decided that the weakness was to crappy and was removed but has since come back. The Martian Manhunter has also been in every single incarnation of the Justice League, a feat that even Superman, Batman or Wonder Woman can't claim. Hes also green and thats pretty cool as well.
To awesome for the human race: After the events of Infinite Crisis, The J'onn J'onnz decided that he didn't give a crap about if humans didn't accept his true form anymore, and decided that from now on he wouldn't hide his true appearance. Which is pretty much the same except he has more of a cone head and a hell of alot more clothes, why humans wouldn't accept it I have no idea.

-John Matrix
When it comes to John in film you have to kick it off with a big one. John Matrix proves that one man armies are awesome. This was one of the first movies where Schwarzenegger would display that trademark dry wit that he uses after killing someone. For example, killing a guy on a plane covering him with a blanket and saying to the flight attendant "Please don't disturb my friend, hes dead tired." Or of course the impaling of arch enemy Bennett with a steam pipe and the delicious pun of "Let off some steam Bennett!" It was this bad ass demeanor that made John Matrix one of the greatest badasses in movie history. Of course we also can't forget what might be his most famous line in the movie that has been seen a hundred times since, when he was holding Sully over a cliff. "Remember when I told you I was going to kill you last? I lied." The action movie world needs another king of the one liners, and another John Matrix.
To awesome for a private army: Matrix was so good that he pretty much took out an entire army without so much as getting a scratch.

-John Connor
One of the best Johns out there. John Connor goes on to become the leader of the human resistance that eventually brings down the robotic uprising of the future. Hell this John is so kick ass they tried to kill him before he was even born! When he was ten years old Connor was a stupid punk who although he was a juvenile delinquent he was one smart kid, after years of training from his mother in order to make him the man he needed to be to lead the human rebellion. At the start of T2 Connor is living with foster parents who are killed by The T-1000 terminator that was sent back to kill him. Connor then got a Terminator of his own in a reprogrammed T-800 and got his mother busted out of the loony bin. After that they track down Miles Dyson to destroy Cyberdynes research to prevent the robotic uprising from ever happening and took out the T-1000 while they were at it. Unfortunately it didn't end there for John Connor as we see him again in T3, this time as a young adult. By now Connor has been living on the grind for a while never staying in one spot for to long. This time around Connor finds his future wife and teams up with a T-850 Terminator, a slightly more advanced version of the T-800 and takes on the T-X Terminator. This wasn't Connors shining moment as we find out that the T-850 hes with now actually killed him in the future and by the end of the movie Judgment Day has happened. Of course at the end of the movie he also takes his place as the leader of the human rebellion who will over throw the evil of the robotic uprising.

To awesome for a job: Why get a job? In T2 John Connor demonstrates one of the things Sarah Connor had thought him, how to hack into people bank accounts. "Easy money".

-Johnny Rico
Heres a John we can all relate to. Despite the wishes of his rich parents Johnny Rico joins the army for a girl, not just any army though, a space army who fight giant space bugs! Oh hell yeah! When he started boot camp it was a class of 2008 recruits of which Rico was one of the only 187 to graduate, which tells you right away hes tougher then most. As per usual with any army he started at the bottom, and after a crappy first mission which saw 80% of his unit killed by the bugs, and his woman no longer wanting to be with him, Rico says screw you to the army but once the bugs attack Earth which his parents were killed, Rico had nothing to go back to and said screw it I'm gonna make those bugs pay. With a renewed vigor for vengeance Rico decided to stay after all and in his next mission pretty much single handedly killed one gigantic bug and after the mission was awarded the rank of Corporal. By the end Rico is even higher ranked and is back with his girl. One can only assume that after the movie Rico continued to climb in rank and is even more awesome now.
To awesome to call it quits: We'll see just how much higher as well. Since Starship Troopers 2 was released a few years ago on DVD and sucked big time. A big reason perhaps was the lack of Johnny Rico. They seemed to have learned from there mistakes though since this summer on direct to DVD Starship Troopers 3 will be released with Casper Van Dien back as Johnny Rico, what else is he gonna do these days anyways?

-John McClane
The reluctant hero of one of my holy trinity of action movies, Die Hard. John Mclane is just a normal guy like you or me who always winds up at the wrong place at the wrong place. Hes easy to relate to because half of what he does is what any of us would do, or at least try to do, with an astounding an success rate, by rights he should be dead a couple of dozen times by now. He has battled terrorists, bank robbers, teckno geeks, his wife and everything in between. Hell he even saved Christmas not once but TWICE! Thats enough to make anyone love him. Its not all good though he has more then his share of faults, his marriage was in a constant flux of separation before it eventually ended, perhaps long after it should of. Hes also usually not on speaking terms with his daughter. Still despite all of his hardships Mclane always manages to save the day in the end, even if he is ready for the hospital or perhaps more importantly to him the beds that they have.
To awesome for his bosses: Mclane is constantly arguing and fighting with higher ranking authority which he seems to almost exclusively ignore knowing that by the end of the day its them who has a heathly dose of foot in there mouth.

-Jean Claude Van Damme
Ok so hes not so much a character as he is a real life guy but as a guy who was tied neck and neck with Steven Seagal as the number three action hero after Schwarzenegger and Stallone he deserves a mention. Sure his movies were never up to par as the first two action heroes but he had that kick boxing thing going for him that neither of his peers had. Unfortunately he played Guile in Street Fighter and as far as I was concerned his career was over. Sorry Van Damme but it was because of blasphemy like that movie that you and Seagal are still competing these days as the number one washed up action hero staring in crappy direct to DVD movies that are lining the bottom shelf of your local video store these days.
To awesome for real kick boxing: Before he was beckoned by the silver screen and these days direct to DVD screen Van Damme was a kickboxer who retired from the sport with a fantastic record of fifteen wins and only one loss.

-Johnny Cab
In the future it seems that the world has come to it senses and decided that if you don't want to mess with cabbies you should replace them all with robots named Johnny. Well it was a nice theory but when put up against Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man who has played more then one John in his career, with the aforementioned super awesome John Matrix from Commando, Detective John Kimble from Kindergarten Cop and U.S. Marshall John Kruger in Eraser. I'm sure that if it were someone else Johnny Cab wouldn't of been as useless.
To awesome to put up with any guff: Despite the orders of "Just Drive!!" Johnny Cab refuses to go anywhere until a specific location has been given.

-John Rambo
When it comes to John's there is still one who stands head and shoulders above them all. That John is John Rambo. Rambo is without a doubt the ultimate bad ass. Lets check out the facts he was Green Beret who was mentally raped and tortured while fighting in Vietnam, with the movies consider though I have trouble understanding how this could happen and how he didn't win the war on his own. Rambo is an expert, which is the term I'll use because I can't think of anything higher then that at the moment, in all aspects of survival, weaponry, hand to hand combat and gorilla warfare. While in Vietnam Rambo was also decorated with several awards for his service including two Silver Stars, four Bronze Stars, four Purple Hearts, the Distinguished Service Cross, and two Medals of Honor, one of which he refused. Once Rambo returned home form the war he discovered that he along with several other soldiers were hated and humiliation by anti-war advocates who would among other things throw garbage at him. Due to things like this he developed a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder which caused him to handle normal everyday problems in way that most people would describe as less then civil. This all led up to the events in First Blood where all Rambo wanted was a meal in a small town and pass through, the town sheriff Will Teasle however had other ideas and judged Rambo negatively because of his long hair and overall scruffy look and told him to leave town. Rambo disobeys the Sheriffs orders though and heads back into town where he is quickly charged with vagrancy and becomes the subject of harassment for the town deputies. This harassment triggers a Vietnam flashback for Rambo who snaps and fights his way out of the Sheriffs department and makes his way into the woods where with just his survival knife fends off the entire police force who are forced to call in the National Guard after Rambo accidentally kills one officer in self defense. Eventually Rambo makes his way back into town and pretty much blows it up, with his rampage finally coming to an end only after his former Colonel Samuel Trautman comes in and manages to talk Rambo down to surrender to the police. The second movie sees Rambo going back to Vietnam to take pictures of a Vietnamese army base to prove to Americans that there are no more American POWs left. A mission he was sent on by Marshall Murdock who knows that there are still POWs and is basically sending Rambo on a suicide mission. But Rambo dosen't do suicide as he saves the POWs and knowing he was set up when he gets back he goes nuts again and shoots the hell out of the American base, and threatens Murdock to tell the American public that there are still POWs and to spare no expense in getting them back or Rambo himself will be back to deal with him. Rambo got a full presidential pardon from his actions in First blood for his actions in Rambo II. Rambo III sees Rambo going to Afghanistan to help the Afghan people with there war against Russia and to save his mentor Colonel Trautman who is being held prisoner. After saving Trautman and killing a hell of a lot more people they part ways perhaps for the final time and Rambo goes back to Thailand where he still is years later at the start of Rambo IV. This time he is approached by a group of missionaries who ask him for transportation into Burma. At first he declines but eventually does so. After finding out they have been captured however Rambo makes his way back with a group of mercenaries to rescue them and promptly takes out pretty much every member of the Burmese army with a .50 caliber gun that was mounted on the back of a truck. By the end of the movie Rambo finally returns home to his fathers farm in the U.S. Rambo's body count is higher then anyone else in film history that I know about including horror icons Freddy Kruger, Micheal Myers, and Jason Vorhees. In First Blood he only kills one man and it was an accident but in the others he thrives, killing 69 in Rambo II, 132 in Rambo III and an unprecedented 236 in Rambo IV most of which came in the last fifteen minutes of the movie. If your math is as good as mine (which is to say I couldn't add that up to save my life without a calculator) that means Rambo has killed 438 people in his four movies. Like I said how he didn't win the Vietnam War all by himself I'll never understand.

To awesome for calmness: Often when people run into danger without any thought for there own or others personal well being or without planning people commonly say that they are "Going Rambo".

The John Round-Up:
Thats not all of the great really kick ass John's though but in the interest of not making this article too long heres a short list of other fantastic Johns:

-John Wayne: The quintessential cowboy, John Wayne was one of the founding fathers of John ass kickery and the round up would be remiss if it didn't mention the beloved American icon.

-John Stewart: The second John Stewart on the list. This one is the host of the Daily Show, and although I don't find him that great you can't argue with the success that he has had.

-Little John: Robin Hood's second in command of the Merry Men. He might be the original big man who was nicknamed "little", a stable of many big guys ever since.

-John Shaft: Although hes plenty awesome in his own right I'm not talking about Samuel L. Jackson, but the original Shaft Richard Roundtree, plus he also had one of the greatest theme songs ever thanks to the great Issac Hayes. "He is one mean mother- Shut your mouth!"

-Johnny Lawerence: An icon of '80s villains and one of the most popular on this website. Mr. Lawerence was undoubtedly one of the best movie villains of all time not for his evil, because he didn't really accomplish alot but because as far as he was concerned he was the good guy. All the best villains think what there doing is the right thing.

-John Doe: The villain mastermind in Se7evn, if Johnny Laewernce wasn't enough to convince you, this guy is proof enough that the name John can also be used for evil as well as good.

-John Jameson A.K.A. Man Wolf: He never transformed into Man Wolf in the movie but in the comics John Jameson has been a thorn in Spider-Man's side more then once due the the full moon.

-Johnny B. Badd: He was more crappy then great since he was a sad Little Richard wannabe but you still can't argue Marc Mero's skill in the ring.

-John Morrison: Not retro but he's keeping the name John popular in the wrestling world.

-John Cena: Also not retro but when it comes to keeping the name John popular in the wrestling world no one has ever done it better not even the far more awesome Big John Studd.

-Sir. John A. MacDonald: The first Prime Minister of my beloved Canada, also its his face thats been plastered on the Canadian ten dollar bill, and you can't go wrong there.

There is one more thing that needs to be addressed in this article of John's, throughout the history of Johns one has helped people more then any other and it would be a crime if this John wasn't mentioned its the John we can't go a day without.

THE John!

What a Life Saver this John is.

And on that note this article is just about done. Sure there are a bunch of other Johns out there that I might not of thought of but it should be more then enough to get the ball rolling on letting people know how awesome someone named John can be. I hope you enjoyed it.
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