Action Mash-Up: Arnie Vs Sly

If these two went to war with each other, who'd emerge victorious?
August 12, 2009
I stumbled upon a poll online asking "Whose Your Favorite Action Star of All Time" and the list had everyone from the legends to the 'can-do' action stars to the 'new school' action stars.

However only two names probably eclipsed everyone else; Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. Unfortunately the poll could only allow one vote and after a lot of self-debating I chose, and it wasn't easy (trust me).

These two guys entertained me over the years in the action genre and I thought maybe I'd try a quasi "what if" article. Major props to the genius who thought of this concept!

Basically this my personal mash up between Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Scharzenegger in order to find out who's the ultimate Action Hero if some of their characters they played over the years went to war with each other.

Prepare for awesomeness in T-minus three, two, one....

OK first up;

Conan the barbarian vs. Rocky

Both men are great warriors but unfortunately Conan brings with him his trusty sword which would be unfair for Rocky. To make it a fair-fight Conan is stripped of his weapon and goes blow for blow with Rocky.

Conan may have the strength to swing a mighty sword but when it come to throwing punches, thats another story so, Rocky with his fancy moves (as well as training on beef carcasses as punching bags) knocks him out in no time and it's a victory for Sylvester Stallone

Score: Sylvester Stallone 1 Arnold Schwarzenegger 0

Arnold Schwarzenegger then comes back as the no remorse no guilt, ruthless (anyway you the rest) terminator and takes out Rocky with ridiculous ease.

Score: Sylvester Stallone 1 Arnold Schwarzenegger 1

Stallone has to find a way to stop this ruthless cyborg and comes back as John Rambo

The Terminator vs. John Rambo

Yes, Stallone is taking a gamble but if its one thing we know about the terminator its good at urban-warfare and post apocalyptic battle grounds. However it wasn't programmed for jungle guerrilla warfare and Rambo takes advantage of this weakness.

Score: Sylvester Stallone 2 Arnold Schwarzenegger 1

Arnold then shows Stallone that he too can also play Commando and comes back as John Matrix. This battle is a close call with but enough fire-power to start 'World War 3' and as well as witty one-liners John Matrix defeats John Rambo.

"I eat Green Berets for breakfast!"

Score: Sylvester Stallone 2 Arnold Schwarzenegger 2

All seems lost but Sylvester realises that the Commando is in violation of several laws such as destruction of property, shop-lifting of fire-arms, creating diplomatic instability between the USA and The Republic of Val Verde by wiping out half its army, etc and knows these are serious crimes... which are a disease....... and he's the cure!

Stallone becomes Marion Cobretti AKA Cobra and has the commando arrested resulting in instant victory for Sly.

Score: Sylvester Stallone 3 Arnold Schwarzenegger 2

Arnold Schwarzenegger says, 'You wanna play cop, eh?' and comes back as the highly displined, no nonsense Soviet super-cop Capt. Ivan Danko

Cobra vs. Ivan Danko (from Red-Heat)

Danko emerges the winner because of Cobretti's over confidence and his amusing rip-off of Dirty Harry.

Score: Sylvester Stallone 3 Arnold Schwarzenegger 3

Stallone decides its time to go back to basics and toss away the guns and comes back as Lincoln Hawk from Over The Top. This is unusual territory for Danko and who loses the arm wrestling match.

Hurray, the commie is defeated and its victory for the USA! U-S-A! U-S-A! etc....

Score: Sylvester Stallone 4 Arnold Schwarzenegger 3

Arnold Schwarzenegger then becomes Maj. Dutch Schaffer from the movie Predator because he once defeated a CIA 'pencil-pusher' through a mid-air arm wrestling match..

The man who was defeated was Schaffer's old friend George Dillon

Stallone: "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?"

Even though he could easily stuff a lot of bullet holes in Lincoln Hawk faster than Lincoln would say "Mike Hawk!", (wink, wink) Dutch decides to play fair because Dutch proved that he doesn't need guns to be a badass. He took out the freaking Predator, dude!

Lincoln Hawk vs. Dutch Schaffer

Hawk realizes he has met his match!

During the battle;

Lincoln Hawk (inner thoughts): Whoa, this guy ain't human!
Dutch Schaffer (inner thoughts): I've never seen such endurance!

The game is rudely interrupted by the predator who obliterates both of them.

"I couldn't stand the suspense! OK?"

Therefore this mash-up is technically a draw with both guys earning a point each

Score: Sylvester Stallone 5 Arnold Schwarzenegger 4

Our heroes sit down and discuss their next move;
Sylvester Stallone: ... Yo, wanna play badass cop?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Sure I'll go first

Sylvester Stallone: Your mistake, buddy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger comes back as Jack Slater aka The Last Action Hero and Sylvester Stallone as John Spartan aka The Demolition Man

The Demolition Man Vs The Last Action Hero

Both cops like having it their way and both don't always follow the rules and can be decribed as 'loose-canons'. John Spartan from a dystopian future where everyone is a wussy is hungry for some action and Jack Slater who justifies blowing things up as "Just, doing my job!"

During the chaotic battle, John Spartan accidentally kills Jack Slater's director and this cause a dilemma because Slater's guns wont go off till someone yells 'LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!'. So this round goes to Sylvester Stallone.

Score: Sylvester Stallone 6 Arnold Schwarzenegger 4

Arnold decides to up the ante by becoming a secret agent and comes back as Harry Tasker and demolishes the demolition man (pun intended).

Score: Sylvester Stallone 6 Arnold Schwarzenegger 5

Sylvester Stallone then decides to show Schwarzenegger that he too can play in the shady world of Assassins

Harry Tasker (True Lies) vs. Robert Rath (Assassins)

Before the battle both men research each other. Harry Tasker and his organisation the Omega Sector with its super-computers and some geeky tech-guy while Robert Rath receives his info through some underground chat-room from a mysterious woman, who's actually a MAN! (You gotta love the internet!)

After a cat and mouse game of outwitting and outsmarting each other Harry Tasker is finally taken out by the assassin, partly due to marital issues getting in the way of his work.

However it turns out that it wasn't actually Robert Rath who made the hit (*gasp*) it was his nemesis Miguel Bain!

Why? In his words "Today, is my birth-day I be-come.... number Juan!" Therefore, Sylvester Stallone loses this round.

Score: Sylvester Stallone 6 Arnold Schwarzenegger 6

When Arnold Schwarzenegger learns about this he goes on the war-path decides to make Rath & Bain "disappear" and therefore becomes John Krueger aka the Eraser. He dumps their bodies in a shot-up car which he expertly makes it look like they were victims of a car-jacking.... In some Mexican town.

For the finishing touch to show he's a badass, he changes their identities to that of a happily married gay-couple.

Score: Sylvester Stallone 6 Arnold Schwarzenegger 7

Sylvester Stallone is however not amused and decides to kick-ass-and-take-names by harnessing the power of a classic Michael Caine character which he transfers into himself and returns as Jack Carter.

Jack Carter Vs John Kruger

After pounding a lot of guys in the face to get info on The Eraser, Jack Carter finally finds him. Knowing he can't get passed those pulse-firing guns, Jack Carter makes his move and thanks to his mob background he fights dirty by using his 'connections' to bring down John Kruger through his superiors namely James Caan who was once a mobster in the Godfather! (coincidence?).

Score: Sylvester Stallone 7 Arnold Schwarzenegger 7

Arnold Schwarzenegger decides he's had enough with playing games and decides to end it by returning once more as (you guessed it!)... The Terminator!

"I'm Back!"

The Terminator blasts Jack Carter to shreds!

Score: Sylvester Stallone 7 Arnold Schwarzenegger 8

Sylvester Stallone, makes a bold decision in the form of John Rambo! Because Rocky Balboa was humiliated when he faced this killing-machine earlier.

The Terminator T-850 vs. John Rambo 4.0

Once again the Terminator despite its upgrade is STILL not adapted for jungle warfare. When will Skynet, John Connor or whoever sends these things realise this flaw?

The T-850 loses to John Rambo (AGAIN!) who unleashes a sh*t-load of fire-power he single handidly hijacked from a bunch of Burmese troops.

Score: Sylvester Stallone 8 Arnold Schwarzenegger 8

It seems these guys are evenly matched.

Oh, before I forget, they once played campy comic book characters! Sylvester Stallone as Judge Dredd and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze

Lets see... Arnold Schwarzenegger first criticizes Sylvester Stallone on his personalisation of the Judge Dredd character.

Judge Dredd: Ha! I knew you'd say that!

Mr. Freeze: Why don't you just.... Chill out!

Judge Dredd: Because I am the law!

Mr. Freeze: Y'know, you're trying too hard to be..... Cool!

I'll let you score this one so that you can break the deadlock.

The bottom line is that its so hard for me to choose between these two because there's always something special and unique about the characters they have played over the years and I KNOW there are a few characters who can sway the score from both guys but I'll settle with these..... For now.

Hope you enjoyed this.
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