Elanor and Franklin Sherman:
"Elanor: Franklin, my life is an endless grey corridor.
Franklin: I've been there too, usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him "Mr Pickolini"."
Orson Welles:
"Rosebud...
Yes, rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness, and green Peaness.
-Orson Welles"
The Critic:
"It Stinks
-The Critic"
Jay Sherman:
"EGGS DON'T RIPEN!
-Jay Sherman"
Jay Sherman:
"My therapist was right, God does hate me!
-Jay Sherman"
Duke Phillips:
"ALL HAIL DUKE! DUKE IS LIFE!
-Duke Phillips"
Duke Phillips:
"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL DUKE!
-Duke Phillips"
Marty Sherman:
"This is worse than that time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!
-Marty Sherman"
Jeremy:
"Jay, we have a saying in Australia... well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song. It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her... and it doesn't really apply here, but my advice to you is slow down.
-Jeremy"
Franklin:
"I have a new girlfriend for you, son. Her name is Barbie and she lives in Mali-boo. She already has a boyfriend named Ken, but he's not much of a man, I checked.
-Franklin"
Jay Sherman:
"Ah, Naples. Why go to the city when you can bite the cookie that bears thy name?
-Jay Sherman"
Jay:
"It worked! I'm a doc! I'm a happy, sneezy doc! *yawns* I'm a sleepy, happy, sneezy doc. I'd better get to bed or I'll be a grumpy, dopey, sleepy, happy, sneezy doc. Bashful?"
Jeremy Hawke:
"Jay, Los Angeles is like a big Apple, the windy city, the cradle of civilization, the red planet! No wait, that's New York, Chicago, Babylonia, and Mars"
Franklin:
"I'm not wearing pants. I split my pants and now I'm not wearing pants."
Dressmaker:
"We dressmakers have a very strict code, so I need to know. Do you deserve to wear virginial white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off-white, what we call a 'hussy white.' So which will it be? White-white?"
Margo:
"Yes...um...except for the gloves."
Jay:
"This film gets my highest rating...seven out of ten."
Jay:
"You are an insipid walking commercial, and your cereal turned my urine pink!"
Adolf Hitmaker:
"If you want the world to love you you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus or Rush Limbaugh."
Shakleford:
"I'm sorry, Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?"
Jay:
"On the 'Shermometer' this film rates an absolute zero!"
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