The Many Faces Of Arnold

A Battle Royal, Arnold Style
November 05, 2008
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Perhaps, The Best Action Star of All Time. Arnold Schwarzenegger Has defined what it means to be called a "Action Star." His Movies are among the most remembered and loved films of all time. But rather than salute him by recounting his past achievements I wanted to honor him in a different way. And that is by examining the different characters he has played through the years. I will brake down each persona mentally, psychologically and physically. We will go through their strengths and weaknesses in hopes of finding out which character would be the overall winner in a Arnold battle royal. Lets Start.


Character Name: John Matrix
Occupation: Former Special Forces Opertaive
Famous Quote: "No Chance"
Intelligence://////---- 6/10 (Semi Average)
Fighting Ability:///////--- 7/10 (Don't get him mad)
Stamina://////---- 6/10 (Good for a couple blocks)
Stealth Kill Tactics://///////- 9/10 (You won't even feel it)
Weapons Knowledge:////////-- 8/10 (Doctor of Destruction)

Analysis: John Matrix is a take no prisoner, tough as nails kind of guy. Kidnap his daughter and you will find out why. His extensive weapons knowledge makes him very dangerous. However with no weapons he is still formidable but less lethal. Physical strength is impressive but not overwhelming. He would make a good bodyguard as well. With the ability to take down a whole enemy compound with pistol and a knife, John Matrix is a worthy contender.

Conan the Barbarian

Character Name: Conan the Cimmerian
Occupation: Barbarian Warrior
Famous Quote: "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women."
Intelligence:////////-- 8/10 (Brilliant Tactician)
Fighting Ability:///////-- 8/10 (Deadly with pointed object)
Stamina:///////--- 7/10 (Can Fight for Days)
Merciless Warrior Factor://///////- 9/10 (He'll scare you into submission)
Weapons Knowledge://///----- 5/10 (Proficient with primitive weaponry)

Analysis: Conan is a brute with a anger issue. Bred from childhood to maim and destroy, don't expect him to let you off with a slap on the wrist. Conan's main strength is in his courage and valor. He will not bend to anybody. Deadly with a sword, Conan is a master of one on one combat. However his lack of post bronze age weaponry makes him vulnerable to modern day technology.


Character Name: T-800 cybernetic organism
Occupation: Military Infiltration Unit
Famous Quote: "Hasta la Vista, Baby."
Intelligence:////////-- 8/10 (That's Artificial Intelligence)
Fighting Ability://///----- 5/10 (With out a gun)
Stamina:///////--- 7/10 (120 years on a single charge)
Politeness://--------- 2/10 (Comply or Die)
Weapons Knowledge:////////// 10/10 (Can Perform Brain Surgery with a 350 Magnum)

Analysis: The Terminator is a no nonsense killing machine. Developed by CyberDyne, The T-800 was designed to accomplish varied military missions. An extensive weapons knowledge and voice imitating abilities make him a worthy adversary. Weaknesses are in speed and logic. Without modern machinery or artillery, he is basically obsolete, Though still a worthy contender

Last Action Hero

Character Name: Jack Slater
Occupation: Movie Star
Famous Quote: "I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?."
Intelligence:////------- 4/10 (Can Barely read a scipt)
Fighting Ability:///////--- 7/10 (uses prop weapons)
Stamina:///////--- 7/10 (Decent Cardio)
Like-a-bility:////////-- 8/10 (Always Signs Autographs)
Weapons Knowledge:////////// 10/10 (He knows his weapons, just not how to use them)

Analysis: It is hard to properly gauge Jack Slater. If your talking about his true actor identity, he's pretty average. However In his own element (A Movie Scene) he is almost invincible. Villains cannot defeat him and because of his Hero Status. However put him in the real world and his power is significantly reduced. All things counted, Jack Slater is a run of the mill opponent. Sorry Jack.


Character Name: Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer
Occupation: Special Forces Commander
Famous Quote: "If it bleeds, we can kill it."
Intelligence://///////- 9/10 (Graduated at West Point)
Fighting Ability://///////- 9/10 (Registered as a lethal weapon)
Stamina:////////-- 8/10 (Exceptional endurance)
Survival savvy://///////- 9/10 (Can get out of the hairiest situation)
Weapons Knowledge://///////- 9/10 (He can make a H-bomb out of household cleaning products)

Analysis: Dutch is a true born soldier. Loyal to his men in the field, he leaves no one behind. (unless they were mauled beyond recognition) His forte is in tactical operations in Jungle like surroundings. He knows his weapons like the back of his hand. The back of his hand is dangerous as well. Even in the most dire situations he will finds the means to overcome his foe. Whether fashioning intricate booby traps or silently stalking his victim. With little known weak spots, Dutch is the product of countless battles and knows how to dish out pain.

True Lies

Character Name: Harry Tasker
Occupation: Omega Sector Secret Agent
Famous Quote: "What can I say? I'm a spy."
Intelligence://///////- 9/10 (Librarian Smart)
Fighting Ability:///////--- 7/10 (Mixture of James Bond And Rambo)
Stamina://///----- 5/10 (Must use Horse or Jet for transportation)
Coolness://///////- 9/10 (Nobody does it better)
Weapons Knowledge://///////-- 8/10 (Deadly with a gun, but deadlier with the Tango)

Analysis: Harry Tasker is a highly trained government operative. Skilled in the art of espionage, he can easily infiltrate enemy strongholds and gather secret intel. However his weakness is in his normal life. His family can be a vulnerability. Just kidnap his daughter(Remember don't kidnap John Matrix' kid) or mess with his wife and he will loose focus on the mission at hand. If you see him in the bathroom, get out, things are about to get loud.

Pumping Iron

Character Name: The Austrian Oak
Occupation: Professional BodyBuilder
Famous Quote: "Milk are for babies, when you get older you drink beer."
Intelligence://////---- 6/10 (No reading, Just Lifting)
Fighting Ability:///------- 3/10 (Lover, not a Fighter)
Stamina:////////// 10/10 (Works out 5 a hours day, EVERYDAY)
Posing://///////- 9/10 (Once outposed a statue)
Weapons Knowledge://-------- 2/10 (Harmless)

Analysis: The Austrian Oak is a Giant. Standing 6' 2" and weighing 240 lbs he is a awesome sight. Incredibly strong, he can break you with his bare hands. Clever and witty don't let him near your girl. Though once confronted his faults come out. He has no experience fighting and virtually no weapons knowledge. But his star quality and fame would move you to ask for a picture rather than defeat him.
Watch out for those Biceps!


Character Name: Dr. Alex Hessey
Occupation: Medical Doctor
Famous Quote: "Oh I feel the baby, the baby!."
Intelligence:////////// 10/10 (He's a doctor for a reason)
Fighting Ability:/--------- 1/10 (Took the Hyppocratic Oath)
Stamina:////------ 4/10 (Walks the baby, that's about it)
Maternal Nature://///////- 9/10 (Grosses me out too)
Weapons Knowledge://-------- 2/10 (He trained to heal, not kill)

Analysis: Dr. Hessey is a calm, compassionate Doctor. Not someone who you want on your side in a fight, but Would want him there after you were savagely beaten. Not violent but he will stand up for himself. His pre natal stomach will repulse even the most hardened villain. He will make the most evil opponent want to whisper "coo" and give raspberries on his stomach. One of the more tranquil of the bunch, Dr. Hessey is ill suited for this competition.


Character Name: Julius Benedict
Occupation: Unoccupied
Famous Quote: "My name is Julius and I am your twin brother."
Intelligence:////////// 10/10 (Can Speak 12 Languages)
Fighting Ability:////------ 4/10 (A devout Pacifist)
Stamina:////////-- 8/10 (Believes in a strict excercise regiment)
Intellectual Capacity://///////- 9/10 (A Real Book Worm)
Weapons Knowledge:/--------- 1/10 (Never even seen a gun)

Analysis: Julius is one of the most intelligent on this list, equaled only by Dr. Hessey. Born from a scientific procedure in hopes of creating a perfect human, Julius is physically and mentally perfect. But don't be fooled, he is very docile and peaceful. Rather than settle the matter with fists and weapons, Julius would like to talk things out. However if you get him out! He is capable of defeating the strongest of men.

Total Recall

Character Name: Douglas Quaid
Occupation: Construction Worker
Famous Quote: "If I am not me, den who da hell am I?"
Intelligence:///------- 3/10 (Mentally Inept)
Fighting Ability://////---- 6/10 (Makes up in strength)
Stamina:///////--- 7/10 (10 minute mile)
Freak People out with fat lady costume:////////// 10/10 (Still have nightmares from that scene)
Weapons Knowledge://///----- 5/10 (Decent Aim)

Analysis: Douglass Quaid is your average guy living in the year 2084. Like you he enjoys a cold brew after work and a vacation every once in awhile. His head is a little screwed up due to memory loss. He has a short temper and is quick to shoot first and ask questions later. Often involved in evil corporate schemes, Quiad is a defender of the middle class. His facial expression can leave his enemies in a stupefied confusion.

The Running Man

Character Name: Ben Richards
Occupation: Game Show Contestant
Famous Quote: "I told Killian I'd be back. I wouldn't want to be a liar?"
Intelligence://////---- 6/10 (Average Joe)
Fighting Ability:////////-- 8/10 (Quick Learner)
Stamina:////////// 10/10 (Got that name for a reason)
Yellow Spandex:/--------- 1/10 (If it was blue he'd get more points)
Weapons Knowledge:///////--- 7/10 (Will use any object in sight)

Analysis: Ben is a loving father who would do anything for his family. Even if that meant going on a deadly game show. His ability to escape from the most dire situations make him a great contender. He may at times act like an average man but he has a six sense for combat. When you see him it is best to just walk away, just walk away.

Kindergarten Cop

Character Name: Detective John Kimble
Occupation: Undercover cop/teacher
Famous Quote: "No more complaining. No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go the bathroom". Nothing!"
Intelligence:////////-- 8/10 (Board Certified Sub)
Fighting Ability:////////-- 8/10 (P.H.D in Kick a**)
Stamina:///////--- 7/10 (Smokes Cigars)
Teaching Skill://-------- 2/10 (The Kids got the best of him)
Weapons Knowledge:///////--- 7/10 (Familiar with variety of pain inducing instruments)

Analysis: John Kimble is a cop who would make Harry Callahan blush. He has a very short temper and a attitude to match. If your caught passing notes he will put you in the corner fast. Make him angry and its no juice for you at naptime. Though he does have a soft side. Caring for his students he will go to extreme measures to help them succeed academically.

Who Do You Think Is The Best? It would be hard to pick a clear winner. But I think that one stands above all others.....

The Governator

Character Name: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Occupation: Governor of California
Famous Quote: "Don't be Economic Girly men!"
Intelligence://///////- 9/10 (College Graduate)
Fighting Ability:?????????? ?/10 (Shrouded in mystery)
Stamina:////////// 10/10 (Developed the Presedential Fitness test)
Social Reform ability:///////// 9/10 (Known for passing Key Intiatives)
Weapons Knowledge:///////--- 7/10 (He call the National Gaurd on your butt)

The Governator
Arnold himself would have to be the winner. He has the most depth and charisma of all the contestants. Just because he's gone political doesn't mean he's gone soft. Sure California's got the biggest debt in years...but having a Governor with 22 inch arms, that counts for something.

Well that's it for now, I hope you enjoyed reading this. if you have your own thoughts please state them. I love hearing your input. Good bye for now but remember....

More Articles From vkimo
An unhandled error has occurred. Reload Dismiss