Hello to all you Retro Junkers, I am here to introduce what I hope will be a series of five of the most embarrassing and downright worst moments of my childhood. Please leave your feed back as I would love to hear it. Now let's get started shall we?
Zane the Pain Issue: 1
Banned from Reef Rangers
This particular childhood story occurred when I was at the age of 10. Arguably the most memorable week of my childhood (not in a good way). Granted I never had the best childhood with all the commotion in my family at this time, with my step father abusing me verbally and sometimes physically. This prick never let me do anything as a kid, I wasn't allowed to watch television, I wasn't aloud over at friends places and they weren't aloud around here (you get the drift he was a jack ass to me).
Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer something something
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer:Don't mind if I do!
My mother was the opposite, she was supportive and kind hearted. When my step dad wasn't around I could get away with pretty much everything but when he was around he was King therefore what he says goes. Weekends where oh so much more pleasant when he went away up to Cairns for work trips. One day he announced to me in an angry tone 'guess what you little dickhead I'm going up to Cairns for a week.. Ill bet your jumping for joy aren't you?' I answered in my mind yes of course I am... HOLIDAYS HAVE COME EARLY!!! but both my step dad and I knew if I had said yes he'd slap me square across the face (I know this from experience). You might be asking yourself Why didn't your mother divorce him? well there was only one logical answer, no step dad, no money and eventually no home so I was forced to put up with his shit until I was eligible to leave.
He was very gifted with these powers
The night before the big day I set my Hey Arnold alarm clock to 4.30 in the morning knowing that he would be well gone by then. I decided to start my morning of with a little pleasure so I tore into my step dads nudey rags like a rabid wolverine (mum slept in until at least 6.30). I am not ashamed to admit that I got my first semi - boner from gluing my eyes to the blond with big jugs in Playboy (I had never heard of internet pornography at the time). I had been waiting for this moment for months, it was like Christmas day every time he went away for work trips. My friends and I had the whole day planned weeks before my step dad announced to me he was pissing of up to Cairns. My plan was to eat a mess of French toast with ice cream for breakfast, ride to my mates place for some Golden Eye and Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64 and then pack our fishing rods and our bikes and ride up to the creek for some fishing then finally top the day off with a crammed packed afternoon at the Reef Rangers Arcade and Play Center (an awesome place cram packed full of Arcade machines with about the biggest playground I had ever seen). Sad to say the day didn't turn out as well as I had intended, the plan sounded great on paper but it was a massive DUD when we put it to the test.
I was no better than a 3 year old
I had just filled my stomach with a mess of French toast, I kissed my mother on the cheek and walked... no wait waddled off to my bike. When I arrived at Hayden's place it turned out his Nintendo 64 had broke due to the careless behavior of his brother, you're supposed to place the cartridge in the console carefully not slam it in so hard it causes an earthquake -face palm-. We had about 2 hours to waste until we had to head down to the pond and without the Nintendo all we pretty much did was twiddle our thumbs. We had intended on meeting Bryce and Nabil (funny name) at the park bench beside the pond at precisely 11 am. Back at school my 3 friends and I where the most feared, Ruthless gang (pussies) in the whole entire school. We called ourselves the purple cobras and we could kick ass in both a Beyblade battle and a Yugi-oh card game.
We didn't know at the time
Hayden and I eventually arrived at the park later than expected thanks to him giving me the burden of carrying the fishing rods and bait. We arrive at the park and set up the super expensive fishing gear (sticks with a piece of string and a hook at the end). Once we had set up we began the agonizing wait for a bite. You might be thinking that this story is getting absolutely nowhere believe me it will get somewhere in just a little bit so read on. The most clumsy member of our gang, Bryce decided he'd recast out his line so next thing you know the hook from his rod latches onto my glasses, before I could yell 'STOP YOU'VE GOT MY GLASSES' he hurls them out into the pond. My heart sunk along with my specially made $500 spectacles. For the next five minutes we argued like a bunch of fat men fighting over the last piece of chicken.
I said fighting over a chicken not fighting with a chicken... GOSH!
It is decided that because my glasses got in the way of his obviously dodgy casting technique I was the one who had to dive in and get them. I would rather risk my chances with the creatures of the deep then face the wicked wrath of my step dad. Yes I found them after what seemed like hours of swimming through murky pond water. I tossed and turned over the decision of cutting the day short and heading home but I was feeling rather rebellious so we trekked on with our ever so difficult journey. I consider myself a brave little soul for continuing on, knowing the consequences of the future. Its time for a little maths lesson:
Wet Pants + Half an hour of bike riding = red raw chaffing.
Yep the minute we parked our bikes into the bike racks behind Reef Rangers I could feel the aching and burning that had made acquaintances with the sides of my legs and my crotch. I will personally wash your windows and pleasure your dog if you you can keep a straight face and walk with chaff at the same time. Unfortunately I could never multitask and this was no exception. I walked into the doorway with my legs spread wide apart and my face red as a beetroot. When we went to the front desk to pay for admission the manager must have thought I was constipated because he told me the toilets were downstairs on the right.
FINALLY!!! The time had come. The manager unlocked the door into the arcade and playground. We stood there for over five minutes trying to decide whether we should tackle the playground first or glue our eyes to the screens in the game room. We decided to go into the play room and muck around for a bit. It went off without a hitch, nothing like the feeling of spending a few hours doing nothing but pelting foam balls and playing tackle tiggy in and around the play set.
Looks fun right?
After we had worn our chubby little legs out we decided to indulge ourselves into a little or should I say alot of video games. The sign clearly said No Running but could you blame us? Hundreds of games to play so little time to play it. We broke the rules and sprinted down into the game room as though we had ants in our pants. We ran into the game room and plunged into darkness, all we could see were the many video games lit up on the screens. The next issue happened so fast it felt like one big emotional blur. Bryce runs into the arcade, he trips over my foot, trips forward and falls over into the 50 inch television that was used to display the highest scores and knocks it over onto the wall but wait it doesn't stop there not only did the television fall ass over it went through the plaster leaving a large gaping hole in the wall. It was the OMG I AM SO SCREWED moment of my life.
We froze in fear, we could hear the manager cussing as he came into the room, all the other kids dropped what they were doing and stared at us in confusion. When the manager saw the damage he damn near shit himself. Id repeat what he said but I'm afraid its too graphic for the younger readers out there. Everything went drastically downhill from that moment on. The manager called our parents and we were grounded faster than you can say 'this is the best story ever' and I wasn't ever aloud to step foot in Reef Rangers again, my friends and I were added to the list of banned people (I wonder why). Long story short my mother got a hefty $1500 bill for the damages and I was never let outside without my mum accompanying me again. I owe my mother gratitude though, after all she never told my step dad what happened on that particular Saturday. In a way you can say that I owe that women my life, there's no telling what he would have done to me if he had found out about my wild day out and I think my mother sensed it.This was the first of a hopefully potential series.
You've just read Zane the Pain issue 1.
Next issue coming up: Shopping Center Turmoil
Hope you enjoyed it and I am awaiting your feedback.
Well until next time folks God Bless.