Toys you never wanted 3

Toys that time forgot or just plain sucked
November 26, 2012

Going on my third article about shitty toys, you'd probably start to wonder how many shitty toys are out there. Well let me tell you, there are quite a few. But what criteria do I use to classify a toy as shitty?

Basically there are a few key elements that I use...

-It just plain sucks.
-It's based on a really shitty show or movie
-It's of Sylvester Stallone or Jamie Kennedy
-It's a fucking bendable
-It's a complete ripoff

Surely there are more criteria, but let's face it. This isn't science. But I do try to pick toys from the 90's. Because picking out shitty toys from the 80's is like finding bad fashion in the 70's. It's fucking everywhere.
Let's just say this list is a tad more obscure. If you knew about all these or had most of them you're a sick bastard who wears clogs.

Good god...let's start

11. Warriors of Virtue

If I was going to list my top 10 mystical/fantasy martial arts moives of the mid 90's, Warriors of Virtue would probably be in the top five. That being said, did a toy line need to be made? The answer is...I don't know. Looking at the action figure now, it actually looks pretty cool and made surprisingly well. However I always got the kangaroos from this movie and Tank Girl mixed up. Why does that make a difference? Why am I writing a third article about toys like this.

Imma ruin your childhood

10. The New Adventures of Captain Planet

You can rest assured that anything that says "NEW ADVENTURES" is going to blow ceiling fans worth of dicks. The New Adventures of Captain Planet surprisingly does not disappoint. But for purposes of distinction, you probably remember another Captain Planet series. This was called Captain Planet and the Planeteers. This is the toy line that accompanied it...

This is the exact figure I had. I don't remember it being THAT great, but it was a solid representation of Captain Planet. However the thing that pissed me off about it was the arms moved in unison. Kind of like Frankenstein's monster.
But the main thing about this toy line is that it does what pisses me off the most. It just paints Captain Planet different colors and calls it a day. Go to fucking hell Captain Planet. I hope you fall into a bucket of dirty gas.

9. Wild Wild West

WWW (Wild Wild West) was the movie Will Smith did instead of the Matrix. It's universally regarded as a bad decision. So I'm guessing it was this toy line that swayed him towards WWW.
News flash, kids aren't that excited about cowboys anymore. Not that Will Smith ever did much that was "cowboy-ish" in the film. But this action figure captures the main essence of what being a cowboy is. Grappling hooks and shotguns. Thank you WB Toys.

I feel like I should say more about this. But I got nothing. So here's a picture of another Will Smith toy.

8. Cadillac and Dinosaurs

If you're wondering what this show is about, I'm not going to ruin it for you. But if you guessed a specific kind of car and extinct animals, you'd be very close. Tycho has a very unique approach to making toys. Mostly they involve dinosaurs and people with cool nicknames. However I do not remember having even seen this in the aisle. This is the kind of shit your parents make up as cartoon names when they are yelling at you about not doing your homework.

"All he does is play with those ...those...fucking cat attacks and dinosaurus toys!"

7. The New Adventures of He-Man

Remember when I said anything with the words "new adventures" blows speed goat shit hooves? Well those weren't my exact words, but you get the point. If you've been paying attention, I've mentioned these toys before. You're correct! This is the shitty toy line that they COMPLETELY FUCKING RECYCLED into Demolition Man toys. To be fair, He-Man and Demolition Man can probably get lost in translation.
So yeah, this is basically the worst thing ever made ever.

6. Lost in Space

After Friends, this is probably the last great breath of Matt LeBlanc. It's fucking horrible, but it's still better than that monkey movie or whatever that show named Joey was about. Oddly enough I didn't include a picture of Matt LeBlanc, instead we get this guy. What the fuck is "sabotage action"? This is probably the least greatest action of a toy. Hope your others action figures are ready to get their shit sabotaged. If your toy box was a prison and this toy were at the bottom. This figure would get rape-shanked the first day.

5. Mystery Men

The fact that this isn't the last toy on the list says something about what is to come. However let's ignore the obvious and go straight to the point. This is Paul Reubens and you're playing with him. This is bad. I feel this toy should be featured on "To Catch a Predator". Not the actor Paul Reubens, but the actual toy in the package.
Also by looking at the packaging, what is this from? All you get is MM and the Spleen. Who's brilliant idea was this? My theory on why they did this was that no one wanted toys based on "Mystery Men". So by putting MM on the package, they trick thousands of kids and make just enough money to go under for Battlefield Earth.

Ok ok ok, so I'm tired of blasting shitty toys. Let's say three nice things about this toy.

1. It doesn't immediately or intentionally kill children
2. The can of beans molded to the Spleen's hands is very well done
3. Jamie Kennedy was not involved in this
And sorry, but does this look like a technicolor dream coat version of Frodo Baggins to anyone else?

4. James Bond Jr.

Call my crazy, but I never got James Bond Jr. I mean is he James Bond's kid or is he like just someone who coincidentally is named James Bond Jr? However this figure isn't James Bond Jr. This figure perhaps has one of the greatest toy actions, "under cover punch action". That seems super useful. Plus his coat looks like it's made out of fucking paper. That's the kind of cape they wrapped around the 1976 Jawa toys.

3. Young Adventures of Robin Hood

With the exception of the Young Indiana Jones Adventures (debatable, I'm sure), very few good things start with anything in front of the "adventures" in the title. Basically, they're saying "Hey, we maxed out on 'adventures'. Let's rename it, repackage it and cast cheaper voice talent". Because as we all know..."Kids will never know the difference".
I shudder to think how much this phrase was uttered in the 80's and 90's.

Oh and let's talk about the toy. I don't know if I've said it before, BUT I FUCKING HATE BENDABLES. They are seriously the most worthless toys that can ever be created. For real, I would rather play with mismatched buttons and a foot of burlap.

Story time...

It was the summer of 1993. Our school offered summer school classes for kids who's parents wanted them out of the house for most of the day. Luckily these classes were pretty bad ass and included model craft, rocketry, origami, spanish and few others.
So I was in model class making a really sweet model car or some shit. For whatever reason I thought it would be a good idea to bring my Wolverine and Cyclops bendable toys. Needless to say, I quickly found no use for them and hurriedly shoved them in my desk. Not only were they SUPER SHITTY, there were also bigger kids in the class. I couldn't be seen with these pieces of shit.
Towards the end of class I tried to round up my shitty bendable X-men but I couldn't find an opening to pull them out without people seeing. So I just left them there.

The next day my teacher made an announcement infront of the whole class that he had found some bendable figures. He held them up and asked whose they were. Everybody laughed and joked that they were theirs. I laughed like they weren't mine and probably called them "super lame". My face was probably very red at this moment. No one claimed the toys and he set them down on a desk by the door.
Towards the end of class as everyone was leaving, I decided to make for the shitty bendable toys. As shitty as they were, I didn't have many X-men toys, so I figured I might as well try and keep them. However as soon as I went to put them in my pocket, one of the big kids asked why I was taking them. I said "I don't know...they look cool I guess, but super lame, I'm just taking them as a joke. hahaha *nervous laugh". He wasn't buying it and I quickly left for the bus.
To this day I can still remember the embarassment of that moment and feel the stupid bendable figures in my pocket.

2. The Mask The Animated Series

Based on the short running cartoon that was based on a mildly successful early film of Cameron Diaz and Jim Carrey. This line of toys isn't neccessarily horrible, but it made the list. How you ask? Well...

How about they endless variations of The Mask. Like seriously, the toy company probably shit themselves due to all the random characters The Mask can turn into. Then add that to the number of characters that they can make up and then sell slightly different variations of and you have a staggering number of shitty Mask toys. And honestly, who wants a toy box full of someone trying to be Jim Carrey. I always had a problem playing with "joke" toys. They just didn't fit in with the X-men and is the equivalent of your toys "jumping the shark".

But I don't think this show stayed on for long and went the same way as Dumb and Dumber the animated series. And thankfully they didn't make a toy line based on the Son of the Mask. If there were action figures of Jamie Kennedy, that'd be equivalent of a whole nation dying from drinking too much piss.

1. Wing Commander

Not to toot my own horn, but I think I am the only person on the internets reviewing the Wing Commander toys. I'm maybe the only person thinking about Wing Commander the movie right this very second.

In case you missed it, Wing Commander is a popular computer game series that was started in the 90's. Even Luke Skywalker was in it.

So it's 1999, Freddie Prinze Jr. is a hot commodity and there's a new Star Wars movie coming out soon. What's a movie company to do? Obviously make a live action Wing Commander movie. The only problem was the worst thing to happen in space since the 1970's Star Wars rip off from Turkey. Seriously, I dare you to find more than 5 people in the world that actually like the Wing Commander movie.

You would think that a movie called Wing Commander and being set in space, any 8 year old would be into it. The only problem didn't make a fucking bit of sense. The movie tried to take itself too seriously and follow some inane plot about space pilgrims. It was basically just a vehicle to get Freddie Prinze Jr. out of high school and into more mature roles. Sadly, I'm pretty sure this was the movie that killed Freddie Prinze Jr.'s career and most likely, relationship at the time.

Like seriously, I can't remember anything from this movie other than dark space ship scenes where Freddie Prinze Jr. is talking to someone. No memories at all of actual Wing Commanding. Oh and Matthew Lillard was in it as well.

With all that said, the toys were probably in production and shipped before the cameras even started rolling. I'm sure the manufacturers broke champagne over the boxes of toys and smoked expensive cigars, celebrating their victory in a sure fire hit.

What happened next is probably up for interpretation. But here's what I think happened...

Timeline of events
-Movie company announces Wing Commander
-Toy company makes toys
-Toy company ships toys
-Movie starts filming
-Toy company markets their toys
-Movie wraps up filming
-Toy company CEOs sell their share in company
-Toy company files bankruptcy
-Toy company president moves to Costa Rica
-Toy company vice president shoots self
-Movie company releases movie to the public
-Toy company burns and shreds vital documents
-Toy company liquidates assets in Dusseldorf and other off shore accounts
-Toy company prepares statement to press
-Movie review are in, worst movie ever
-Toy company employees are locked out and threatened with high powered hose
-Toy company executives are sentenced to 12 years in prison
-Freddie Prinze Jr. films more teen romantic comedies

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