Greetings from the wilderness of the World Wide Web. It is I, Hero the Barbarian! Despite popular belief, my people were actually very big couch potatoes. Despite being a wilderness society, we barbarian tribes actually had satellite TV. Of course being the hearty and resourceful people we are, we originally made our TV satellites out of sea shells and tree bark. Always use white dog wood, that seems to get the best reception. But I digress

Growing up I had many favorite cartoon shows in the 80s. Yes, we barbarians were alive and well through the 80s, where do you think all the punk rock and hair bands came from?
As I said, I had many favorite cartoon shows growing up as a little barbarian. Some of my favorites were the classics like He-Man, Smurfs, Transformers, and GI Joe. I never did understand why they didn't bash Cobra commander's head in with a giant club. That's what I would have done.

However, some of my other favorites were in fact the cartoons geared towards girls. Now most of my friends would try to defend their manhood by claiming their sisters watched these shows, thus they were forced to. I had no luxury of such an excuse. My sister, Hellga, didn't watch tv. Hellga was busy doing girl stuff like skinning elk or bashing swam rats with a rock. Besides, I'm Hero the Barbarian, the Nerd King. I must see to all the vassals of my domain. And so I freely admit to watching girl cartoons. With that being said, let's take a look at some of my favorites.

SHE-RA



Honestly, this one was my all time favorite. I had been a fan of He-Man since he first came on the air. Now he had a twin sister who kicked just as much @$$ as he did! What's not to like? Besides, it came on right after He-Man so I had a full hour to kill before Mother made me take out the bones from supper.

Now honestly, this show wasn't as great as it's counterpart He-Man, Where He-Man was dynamic, She-Ra usually was stale. It suffered from poor character development, largely on the part of the good guys. In fact, I would have been rooting for the Evil Hoard, if not for the fact She-Ra was prettier than sunrise over a swamp,

Also He-Man and She-Ra are suppose to be twins? Take a look, I can't tell them apart can you?


Jeez, He-Man is so tanned he makes Hulk Hogan look pasty.

All in all, this show was both entertaining and fun. And many of us in the village lost our virginity to She-Ra, the Princess of Power

Rainbow Bright

Careful what you say about me right now. I've killed people for making fun of me watching this show, My pet weasel Tiny was sniffing at me in a mocking way and I smashed him for it! Oh Tiny, you poor fool. I do miss you.

Ok so unlike She-Ra, this show's demographic was purely girls. But hey, it was still a lot of fun.
It was a good story, good voice talent, and a heroine you could get behind. She was literally a one woman Care Bear and she handled all the colors in the world without the use of crystal meth. That's talent considering Rainbow bright was only a little orphan girl. Take that Orphan Anne!

My favorite episode was when Rainbow Bright's arch nemesis, Murky and Lurky, uncovered a metal rocket powered horse named, Onyx. Unfortunately, I could not find any pictures of Onyx but that episode made it ok for us young men to watch Rainbow Bright. Just don't say that out loud at the dinner table. Men have died for less.

Honestly Rainbow Bright, and She-Ra were the only two girl cartoons I really watched. Unless you count Care Bears which I don't. Sure they may have been covered in pink and Blue fur. But I dare you walk up to a pissed off momma bear, after you snagged one of her babies in a pit trap, and tell her that bears are for girls. Trust me, Grumby Bear doesn't even begin to cover what those Care Bears could do.

My Little Pony

I never actually did watch the show. However, I did see the movie years ago. All I remember was there was this human girl named Megan, she had some hearshapped locket that did something powerful, The sea ponies had a song that was annoying but mercifully short and The villain was really ugly. Serious, that's all I remember. Also why did each pony have a design printed on their butt? It was suppose to be a clue to their name but, hell, I could never figure it out. I still say a branding is the better way to go. Branding My Little Ponies, Because you don't want your Maveric's getting stolen.

Jem

Two words sum up this show, Barbie ripoff. Back in the 80s Barbie had gone punk rocker, so basically everyone was playing dolls with Cindi Lauper. I remember this fondly as the only time Ken wasn't being emasculated. On the other hand, Ken did have quite a harem.

Anyway, Jem was someone's answer to Barbie, Jem started out as a pop/rock doll with light up earrings. I tired to give my wife, light up earrings, but the damn fireflies kept dying after you impale them on the metal ring. If anyone knows how to fix this problem, please tell me.

Unlike Barbie however, Jem had a character and a story, which was made into a cartoon show. Jem's ear rings would allow her to change the clothes and hair style of not only herself but her band members too. Very useful and saves a lot of money. However, the batteries probably wear out fast, I hear those earrings eat up triple A's like a starving child on a muttin leg.

I only saw one episode of this and honestly I didn't know what to make of it. It was entertaining enough but Jem might have been a little too pop/rock for me. Personally, I like a woman who wears lots of furs and can headlock a moutain lion. But that's neither here nor there.

Honorable mentionings

I understand there are more cartoons demographed to girls but I'm limiting this article to the 80s and the shows that I actually watched at least once. However, I feel it's nessecary to mention the females that made other cartoon shows great. These shows were not what you would call girl cartoons but these women made an impact worth mentioning.

Teela

Hot headed, over confidant, and @$$ kicking, Everything I love about a woman. Teela was the perfect compainion to He-Man. She frequently needed rescuing but was no damsel in distress. When Skeletor and his goons kidnapped her, Teela made them work for it. Plus she was the daughter of Man-At-Arms and the Sorceress, With that healthy breeding you can't go wrong. And trust me, you do not want to fool around on the daughter of a solider and a sorceress I tried it, and my butt is still smoldering.

April O'Neal

Ok so the Ninja turtles were actually from the 90's But the comic I believe started in the mid to late 80's so that counts. Besides, Are you really going to argue with the guy holding a battle axe? Didn't think so. April was the token female reporter, Resourceful, classy, and a little air headed. We didn't know it at the time but April was the whole reason we paid attention to the Ninja Turtles. Seriously, in my village, turtles are the closest thing we have to canned meat. So giving them ninja weapons was like something out of an ale induced nightmare. April O'Neal, making weird sh*t watchable.

Scarlet, and the Baroness

Need I say anymore? Give a red head a gun and what do you get? Hero the Casanova. I remember when I first saw Helga shoot a villager with a bow, It was love at first sight. So imagine watching a red head kill soilders with a machine gun? That's grounds for marriage in my village.

Scarlet was the indispensable GI Joe. Where would Duke, and Snake Eyes be without her? Lets not forget Lady J, only slightly less fetching than her red headed counterpart. GI Joe had two women on their force that were not only tough, they looked good doing it.

Who did Cobra have to combat this onslaught of hotness? Why the Baroness of course. Vindictive, seductive, and the best, glasses model I have ever seen. The Baroness made you want to root for Cobra. Scarlet and the Baroness, because women are bloodraged beserkers too.

I hope you've enjoyed this article. Now if you will excuse me, I need to finish making a digital converter box out of a turtleshell and squirrel tendons. Damn Government