The 8 most wanted women in the Magic Kingdom
The Disney Princesses! What guy would not kill for the chance to tie the knot with one (or all!) of these eight wonders of the animated world? What guy can resist their stunning beauty, ability to communicate with animals (which helps a lot when trying to have a conversation with an actual man), and incredible singing voices? None, I say. None! However, what most guys forget (usually on purpose) as they fantasize about landing these lovely ladies is that they are already taken--each and every one of them.
Well, they should have a logo too, shouldn't they?
I refer to, of course, those unsung heroes of the animated love game, the Disney Princes. Yes, each of these men managed to step out from among the rest of their belching, beer drinking, butt scratching peers and learn their dreams really can come true.
I could have been a contender.
So, since the rest of the male population is out of luck now, I, Knites, decided to make the best of a bad situation. I headed over to Disney and sat down with each and every one of these studs. I asked them to take pen in hand and give the rest of the men of the world a little insight into how they came out on top and how the Disney Princesses stack up as spouses.
So, let the expulsion of knowledge and advice begin.
John Rolfe, Husband to Princess Pocahontas.
When Knites asked me to be part of this article, I was actually surprised. "Pocahontas, a princess? really?" I said. However, it turns out since Pocahontas is a daughter of a chief--a king of sorts. She is, therefore, technically a princess. And here I thought a woman had to have a ball gown and at least one pair of glass slippers in her closet before she got anywhere near the title. I mean, I used to be a diplomat for the English Crown. I thought I knew what it meant to be a princess. However, if Disney wants to call my wife a princess, who am I to argue? Besides, this way I get to be a Prince--of a sort.
I'd better move fast. She's the only woman on the ship.
When I first met Pocahontas, and some may find this hard to believe, I did not take a liking to her. She was much too independent, too free-spirited. She was nothing like the civilized women of England of which I was familiar. But after saving her from being mistakenly arrested as a stowaway on a ship we were aboard for England, I started to think perhaps I had been wrong about her. It is surprising what a thank-you between two people can do.
I have returned, Pocahantas. Now take me to this Rolfe so that I might shoot him
Things got complicated when her old suitor, John Smith, showed up after being declared dead. He tried to rekindle their old romance, but, in the end, she sent him packing. How did I win her? Perish the thought. The only thing I won was the ability to see beauty where it had always been. Although, my supporting her as she tried to do everything she could to save her people probably helped. A little honor goes a long way, after all.
Hmmm, how can I make Rolfe pay for touching my daughter today?
When Pocahontas and I got back to the New World, we did not marry right away. I had to prove myself to Pocahontas' father, Chief Powhatan, first. This was not easy. The man was stubborn as a mule. I had to work very hard, not something a diplomat like I was used to. Eventually, I managed to establish Varina Farms, a plantation on the James River just outside the Jamestown settlement. This finally convinced Chief Powhatan I could provide for his daughter and he gave us his blessing. As a wedding gift, Chief Powhatan gave us land. It included a small brick house. We live there together now. Home sweet home.
John, can Meeko, Flit and Percy sleep with us every night?
Pocahontas as a wife? I can honestly say she is just as dedicated to her husband as she is to her people. She is strong, yet also gentle and kind. She may not wear the glitter and frills most of the other Disney Princesses do, but, trust me, she does not need it. If asked to choose between Pocahontas and one of the "well-dressed" Disney Princesses, well, let us just say I will take deerskin anyday.
Prince Eric, Husband to Princess Ariel
An article on the Disney Princes? Wow, I can't say I saw this one coming. Well, let me start by saying I may be royalty, but when you're married to a wife as popular with the people as mine, you tend to be overlooked from time to time. This is a small price to pay. However, in situations where I have a moment of weakness and my ego does take a bit of a beating, I remember my wife sacrificed a life with all her family and friends just to be with me. Sure, she sees her father, Triton, and friends now and again when we have special events at my castle, but I know it's not the same.
Can we build a wall, Eric? Pretty Please?
In fact, now that I think about it, sacrifice is a common theme in my wife's life. After risking her father's wrath and saving me from a storm-wrecked ship on my birthday, she offered her voice and potentially her very soul to the sea-witch, Ursula, just for a chance to meet me again. Later, after our daughter Melody was born, we had some trouble with Ursula's sister Morgana. So, to protect Melody from Morgana, Ariel returned a gift to Melody from Triton and ordered a wall built between my castle and the sea. In other words, she sacrificed her connection with the sea and her people almost completely to keep our daughter safe. Now, some might say these actions are extreme, bordering on insanity. I agreed somewhat at the time, and Ariel agrees now looking back on it, but how far would you go to protect your child from a monster? Forgive me for saying so, but I think you would go a little crazy too.
Give me some sugar, baby!
What did I do to win Ariel's heart? Well, (I'm blushing as I write this) I've heard many women in the kingdom consider me easy on the eyes and perhaps that helped. Moreover, I'll be the first to say any guy who wants a good woman should give more than a care to his appearance. But, to be honest, I really felt I didn't do anything more than be myself. I know it sounds cliche. However, it's the advice my father gave me as I was growing up. And, well, you don't have to look any futher than my wife to see the advice paid off. If it helps, I will say I worked pretty hard to become myself. No one becomes a great guy automatically. You have to work at it. I still am.
Okay, Ariel, you win. I'm the greatest.
What's my former little mermaid like as a wife? Well, besides gracing me everyday with her beauty and song (she always sings in the bath or when I can't sleep), I couldn't ask for a better partner or mother to my daughter. It's a load off a future king's mind to know his heir is in the hands of a woman who would do anything to keep his daughter safe. Oh, and I've had to give up eating seafood. There's just too much of a chance we could end up eating some fish she knows. However, I don't mind. Ironically, I never cared much for fish anyway.
The Prince, Husband to Princess Snow White.
Hello, readers. Yes, that is correct. My name is Prince. Disney never thought to call me anything else. But, as the bard wrote, What is in a name? Especially when you land a woman like I did.
No, I am not changing my name to that!
Despite my short appearance in "the film" there is actually much more to me than just one song and kiss. Did you know I rejected a jealousy-motivated marriage proposal from the Wicked Queen? She threw me in her dungeon immediately afterward. Then, she filled my cell with water in an attempt to drown me, but I managed to escape. Unfortunately, this all happened off screen because of the limited animation techniques of the day. But now you know.
Now, to the task at hand: How did I win Snow White's love? Frankly, I have no idea. It is a well know fact I scared her off the first time we met. But, without a doubt, I was captivated by her beauty. It was she who won me. I never had a chance.
People always ask me where my other hand was.
It was not until later, after we were married, I learned Snow White's death-sleep could only be awakened by true love's kiss. At first, and for many years after, I assumed she awoke from the spell that day because, through some cosmic element, I was her "true love" But, as our relationship matured, I realized when she decided to ride off into the sunset with me I was practically a stranger to her. Heaven, I did not even save her from a dragon or anything. To be honest, I am surprised she did not just thank me for breaking the spell and then tell me to move on. This thought process led me to understand what "true love" truly is. It is not two people who are cosmically meant to be together. It is when one person loves another strongly and purely as I loved Snow White, despite barely knowing her. When I talked to her about this one day, she agreed. It was the strength and purity of my love which broke the spell, not because our love was meant to be. "Then why did you ride off into the sunset with me?" I asked.
She smiled. "Oh, my Prince, any woman who turns down love true enough to break a magic spell does not deserve to be in love at all. Your love won my freedom. I owed you a chance to win my heart as well." Then she kissed me. "And you did."
Uh, Honey? This is fun an all, but you're getting kind of heavy.
What is Snow White like as a wife? I think you can tell from the snippet of our conversation above. She is a very practical woman. Now you may think, how can a woman who used to sing about a prince coming to her one day be considered practical? Well, is it impractical to want love in your life? I think not. Besides, it is not like Snow White could go out looking for love on her own. The Wicked Queen had her too busy wearing rags and working as a Scullery Maid. But now, thankfully, that is all in the past and we are together. Now, everyday I am blessed, not only with her beauty, but also her wisdom. Yes, I have met the other Disney Princesses and they are very nice, but, in truth, my wife will always be the fairest of them all to me.
Prince Charming, Husband to Princess Cinderella
Good day all! No one knows my real name or has ever said it aloud. So, just address me as Prince Charming. Everyone does. Although, to be honest, I feel my nickname is misleading. I mean, after all, my father, the King, had to have the Duke arrange a ball just so I could meet some women.
To be honest, I did not expect to fall in love the night of the ball. I actually found the whole thing rather dull. You see, I had met all the ladies of the royal court through my day to day duties and there was not one flower there to my liking. This was mostly because they cared more about my title, my wealth, and being Queen than anything else.
Hey, how you doin'?
Cinderella caught my eye because I had never seen her before. We ended up dancing and talking the evening away. When we talked, it was like we had known each other forever. However, during our talks, she was vague as to her origins, a fact I found a bit frustrating. And when she suddenly ran off at midnight, leaving naught but a glass slipper for me to remember her by, I was devastated. But as you well know, that did not stop me from tracking her down. This is what I believe is the key to my success with Cinderella. I tracked her down. Often in this world, men meet amazing women, but through some error, usually on their part, they let the woman get away. If you want to succeed in the love game and find your own princess, you must do everything in your power, even something as absurd as a glass-slipper-fitting hunt to get her back. Then, once you find her, if she loves you, bless you both. If she still wishes to run, you must let her. For that love is not meant to be.
With this slipper, I thee wed!
Cinderella as a wife? Well, she is the complete opposite of the ladies in the court, which makes her all the more appealing. She has to wear a lot of beautiful cumbersome dresses as a result of her royal position. However, truth be told, she would be much happier in something simpler. I cannot tell you how many times I have observed her dressed in her old house servant clothes helping and chatting with the servants in the castle. I remember one evening she dragged me down to the castle kitchen to make potato soup, just the two of us. At first I thought it was silly. I was wrong. It was a wonderful night. We worked and talked until the sun came up. We ate our concoction, and, if I may be so bold, even tried to cook up a royal heir while we were at it.
What, I wasn't cleaning. Honest!
She also has bouts of under-confidence which I really appreciate, because, well, I have them too. People who believe their Kings and Queens to be perfect and expect absolute perfection from them are fools. Royal blood does not exempt us from being human. Cinderella and I support each other in these moments and make decisions together. They only make us stronger as a couple. I am so happy I did not let her get away!
General Li Shang, Husband to Princess Mulan
My wife Mulan and I are honored Disney would bestow the title of Princess and Prince upon us even though neither her nor I have a drop of royal blood within us. Moreover, my wife has done things none of the other Disney's princesses have: She stole her father's armor, ran away from home, impersonated a soldier, deceived her commanding officer, dishonored the Chinese Army, and destroyed the Emperor's palace, and, of course, saved all of China.
Cupid, eat your heart out!
As I was raised with traditional values, I did not find the majority of these acts, despite my wife's motives for doing them, honorable. I thought, a woman should know her place and, certainly, it is not on the battlefield. In fact, it was only because she saved my life from an avalanche I did not have her executed as soon as I discovered she was a woman masquerading as a soldier.
Alright, soldier, I will hold your hand, but only because there is an avalanche coming.
So, why are Mulan and I now one mind, one heart, one soul? Truly, after reading the above you must think either her or I undeserving of the other. Well, I think it would be fair to say our union is a true example of "love conquers all" Sure, people think love is strong when a prince rescues his princess from dragons or enchnatments. However, I argue an even stronger love is one which makes a man question his very culture and move forward with his heart in the face of centuries of tradition, as my love for Mulan and a little talk from the Emperor himself made me do.
I said I would vacuum, but take care of the children too?
Mulan as a wife? Well, I, unlike the majority of my fellow men here in my country, have the dubious pleasure of being married to a true equal. There is very little I can do Mulan cannot. Although, I cannot say the opposite is always true. And yes, though it shames me to say it, there are still times where I question my decision to embrace a woman who, according to my culture, does not know her place. However, on those days, I remind myself the Emperor and the spirit of the Great Golden Dragon of Unity support my decision. With such blessings, can a man be wrong?
Prince Adam, Husband to Princess Belle
I'm sure most of you know me as "The Beast". However, since Belle's love has broken the spell upon me, I am, once again, Prince Adam.
So, what does a former monster know about love?. This makes me chuckle as I am hardly worthy to dispense advice for matters of the heart. I'm afraid all I can give is what I have learned about love and people who read this will have to take it from there; a man must be willing to change parts of himself and a woman must being willing to accept the parts a man cannot change.
Oh, man, I can see right down her dress!
When I was enchanted, I was just as much a beast on the inside as I was on the outside. To win love, I had to learn to control my anger and to have patience. I had to open my heart to my fellow man, whether he be friendly like Belle's father, fearful like the townspeople, or vile like Gaston. Change is not easy. It takes time. However, it is well worth the effort when the right woman comes along. Although, when the right woman does arrive in your life, avoid making her a prisoner first like I did. It just makes the whole process more difficult or downright impossible.
Come over here, everyone! We're eating birds!
Belle, and this is what makes her so special, grew to love me even though she did not know the nature of the spell I was under. And she patiently helped me to change, while at the same time making compromises with or simply accepting the fact I was different. I mean, let's face it. There's always going to be a bit of a beast in every man.
Don't worry, Belle. I'll still be a beast in bed.
Now that I'm human again, I couldn't ask for a better wife in Belle. When we are not doing things to help improve the provinces, we read to each other by the fire and hold parties at the castle. It has been a bit of a challenge taking on royal duties again after so long, but it is a challenge I welcome, especially when I have such an amazing Queen at my side. And amazing is what Belle truly is. Oh, and her father is back in the tower. No, I haven't locked him in there again. We simply agreed it was the best place for him to set up his workshop. You see, his inventions still have a tendency to explode from time to time.
Aladdin, husband to Princess Jasmine.
Hey all, Aladdin here. The former "diamond in the roughE I'm sure many of you are already familiar with my story, but I'm going to revisit it a bit to make a point. So, bear with me.
Hands off my woman!
Jasmine and I met for the first time in Agrabah's marketplace when Jasmine snuck out of the palace to escape the pressures of royal life. It was there I saved her from an angry shopkeeper, won her trust and then was promptly arrested. Isn't it funny how life works sometimes? That would have been the end of us, except for the fact that big-bad Jafar, the Sultan's Grand Vizier at the time sent my monkey pal, Apu, and I into the Cave of Wonders. As a result, I came to know two new friends: Genie and Carpet. With their and Apu's combined help, I won my princess.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Aladdin, you've got Jasmine, you're a prince, you live in the palace and you're within spitting distance of being Sultan. What are you going to do now?
That's easy. I'm going to--thank my friends.
You gotta have friends!
Yeah, okay, I won Jasmine's trust in the marketplace that day thanks to my own charm and wit. However, without Genie turning me into a prince, without Carpet's ability to fly, and without Apu's always being there when I needed a friend, I never would have got near Jasmine a second time. "A Whole New World" would have become "A Whole New Guy" because I would have been lava-baked street rat in the belly of the Cave of Wonders.
Well, actually, I find Agrabah citizens taste great, but less filling.
So, there it is in short and sweet terms. You want to have luck in love, know when to ask your friends for help and support. Sure, in the end, you have to go it alone, but that doesn't mean your friends can't help you get there. They can help you to be your best or let you know when your doing something really stupid (like lying like a sidewalk to the woman you love about being a real prince). You would be foolish not to turn to them, even if they don't have phenomenal cosmic power and an itty-bitty living space.
If you think I look amazing now, Aladdin, wait until our wedding night.
Jasmine as a spouse? Well, she's a knockout no matter what she wears (or doesn't wear--heh), spunky, hardly ever a damsel in distress, and almost always speaks her mind. And, most important of all, she's my best friend in the whole world. Yep, for this former street rat turned prince, Jasmine is definitely a wish come true.
Prince Phillip, Husband to Princess Aurora
Once upon a dream, I thought my love life was going to go pretty easy. I was betrothed to Princess Aurora (a.k.a. Briar Rose) the day she was born. So, the whole dating game and thrill of the chase were completely bypassed for me. All I had to worry about was whether or not Princess Aurora grew up into a lady I would dread spending my life with--or so I thought.
You better be hot when you grow up.
I remember it clearly. I was sixteen, with the date of my marriage moving steadily towards me and I had yet to see my bride to be. You see, Aurora and I were from two different kingdoms and, because of some traditional foolishness, I had not seen her since the day she was born. One day, I decided to ride into Princess Aurora's kingdom to see the land I would someday rule as king. I got to know some of the people, saw some of the natural wonders the kingdom contained, but nothing could compare to the vision of beauty I happened upon as I neared the end of my journey.
Dear squirrel, must we always talk about nuts?
She looked as if she had been out picking berries. She was singing. Her voice was beautiful like none I had heard in my short life. She was dancing with a doppelganger of a prince played by, I kid you not, forest animals. I would have thought the latter absurd had the grip of her beauty not gripped me so intently. I made my move and imposed my self upon her fun--I swiftly took the doppleganger's palce in her dance. When she saw me, she was timid at first. However, she soon dismissed my rudeness and we fell in love that day.
And then she ran away.
And those are the one-hundred reasons why we should sleep together right now.
She promised to meet me again as she ran off, but it never happened. I did not even know her name. I asked for it, but she would not give it to me. So there I was, betrothed to a woman I had never met and in love with another woman whose name I did not know. Not my best moment. I searched for the girl from the forest, but to no avail. Eventually, I ran out of time and was forced to ride home.
If you hate the rope and gag, wait until you see where I put the staff and candle.
Time went on, but I never forgot the young woman I met in the forest. Some time later I learned Princess Aurora's entire kingdom had fallen asleep as a result of some kind of curse. I went to see what I could do to lift it and a Dark Fairy named Maleficent captured me. She kept me prisoner in her dungeon for I do not know how long. I nearly thought all was lost when some good fairies came and rescued me. Then to save Aurora and her kingdom, I was forced to battle Maleficent. The Dark Fairy brought all her hellish powers to bear on me. Thankfully, with the good fairies help, I slew her. Afterwards, I found Princess Aurora in her castle asleep. To my surprise, she was the woman from the forest. I awoke her with a kiss and the rest, as they say, is history.
Always use protection!
So, through all this, what have I learned about love? Well, besides the fact that I believe fate has a strong hand in a marriage coming to be, I have learned one must never assume love will be easy. It is not a simple thing, no matter what anyone says. There will always be challenges. It was just unfortunate, in my case, one of these challenges was one angry Dark Fairy. However, with virtue and truth, these challenges can be overcome.
And we lived happily ever after.
As you might or might not have guessed, Aurora does not sleep much now. She never seems to really need it. Likely, it is an after-effect of Maleficent's curse. Instead, she likes to spend her nights out and about with the people of the kingdom. Oh, do not let her proper exterior fool you. She is quite the party girl She is often up into the wee hours hosting magnificent balls or small intimate parties. And when it comes to fun in our bedchamber, well, let's just say "I'm too tired" is an excuse I never hear.
Knites, always trying something different.
So there you have it, Retrojunkers. The Disney Princes have spoken. Whether you read this article to learn a little about love or just to find out a bit more about these often forgotten men, one thing stands true: They may be hot, they may be sweet, they may be the stuff of dreams, but behind each Disney Princess there is a Prince, Without the strength of character, luck, determination, and kisses of these men, Pocahontas, Ariel, Snow White, Cinderella, Mulan, Belle, Jasmine. and Aurora would never have gotten their Happily Ever Afters. Keep this in mind the next time you see fit to honor the Disney Princesses with some time in your imagination.