Sure to Impress

If you want a woman, you need the right wheels.
July 31, 2006
I watched Spider-Man starring Toby MacGuire the other day and I was inspired by the scene where Peter decides he needs to buy a car to impress Mary Jane. Man, that's just so much like real life! Nothing turns a womanl on more than when her boyfriend is able to drive her around in a hot set of wheels. But it just can't be any set of wheels. It needs to be a classic. So, I have put together a guide that will help you select the right retro-vehicle that will bring your woman back for more.

K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider

Dick: K.I.T.T., take us to Jane's favorite restaurant.

K.I.T.T.: Right away, Michael.

Dick (trying to pull out his own hair): For the one-millionth time, I'm not Michael! I'm Dick!

Jane: You tell him, David.

Dick: Aw Jeez...

Narrator: Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a Dick who does not exist.

This trans-am comes with everything a date needs. A convertible mode for sex-appeal. Artificial intelligence far superior to your own to provide witty conversation. Turbo Boost so you can impress your woman by jumping over the other cars at the drive in. A bullet proof coating in case her father shows up. And finally, a passenger side ejection seat in case, well, it's a blind date your on and she's just not what you hoped.

The Mystery Machine

Dick: The name on the side says it all, ladies. Come take a ride.

Jane (now inside the Mystery Machine with her girlfriends): Dick, what are we all gonna do in this van filled with matresses and blankets to keep us entertained?

Dick (smiling knowingly): Sounds like we've got a mystery to solve.

Who says lime green with sky blue is out? This LSD trip on wheels is great for driving around your girl and several of her friends anywhere they want to go. It seats four people and one great dane comfortably or it seats up to twenty-five people and a great dane uncomfortably. There's even a cooler full of rootbeer and Scooby-snacks in case you get the munchies. There are several DVDs of Hannah-Barbera cartoons to get her in the mood as well. By the way, the Scooby-snacks are also great for a sudden blast of courage when you have to tell your one-night-stands that the relationship is over. The only thing you need to remember before taking this puppy out on the road is to hose it out first to get rid of the dog smell and any meddling kids.


Jane: Where do you want to park, Dick?

Dick: I'm thinking on top of the BMW.

In this world size matters and it doesn't get much bigger than this. Traffic jams and long drive-thru lines become a thing of the past as you roll right over the offending cars in your path. Women don't admit it, but many of them are seriously attracted to men who can do extensive property damage (Why do you think so many super-villaiins have so many hot chicks?). Bigfoot is your one way ticket to maximum love for maximum carnage. And if you're far less than "monster" when it comes to your other equipment, pulling Bigfoot into your lady's parents' driveway will more than make up for it.

The Time Machine from Back to the Future

Jane (smiles): Dick, you were wonderful.

Dick: I know, Jane. I know. Wanna go back in time and watch?

Great Scott! Here is the best fun you and your lady can have at 88 miles per hour. It even leaves fiery tire tracks behind--a symbol of you're flaming passion. Make a big mistake during your big date? Use the wrong pick-up line? Forget to bring protection? Worry no more. Just go back in time and help out your past-self. The time paradoxes you create might destroy the universe, but, hey, this is your love life we're talking about here. A single moment can be all that stands between you and disaster.

The G-6155 from Spyhunter

Jane: Dick, I think my ex-boyfriend is catching up to us!

Dick (pressing oil-slick switch): No problem.

Ex-Boyfriend: What the f... Whooooooa! Arrrrgh!

Ex-Boyfriend's Car: Crash! KRAKABOOOOOOM!!!!

Dick: Sweet.

The G-6155 is everything you need to take care of any unwanted tailgaters or road hogs you encounter while driving your lady to your destination. This mean machine handles like a dream and includes oil-slick, smoke-screen, machine-guns, and missile launcher. It also transforms into a speedboat in case you want to take your lady on an evening cruise Spyhunter style. Yep, it's the car, not the spy's good-looks that helps him get the girl every time.

Thunderhawk from M.A.S.K.

Jane: So, where are we going?

Dick: I thought we'd go to my friend's party tonight.

Jane: Okay, where is it?

Dick (smiling as he pops Thunderhawk's wings open): Bermuda.

Who doesn't like a red Chevy Camaro G3, especially one that turns into a fighter-jet? Is the girl of your dreams on a plane and about to leave your life forever? Just put Thunderhawk in "high"-gear and go after her. The laser cannons on the wings will allow you to--ahem--create enough turbulance to force the plane to land. And while the authorities are looking for the "jet" responsible, you can put Thunderhawk back in car mode and, after picking her up from the evacuation slide, you and your lady can drive off into the sunset. Remember: illusion is the ultimate matchmaker.

Arcee from The Transformers

Arcee: Go faster, Dick! Go Faster!
Dick (breathing heavily as he puts pressure on the accelerator): You got it, baby!

Jane (wide-eyed as Dick speeds by without picking her up): Hey!!!

Guess what? This lovely set of wheels is the date! Everyone is using machines for everything else these days, why should dating be any exception? A man often refers to his car as "her" anyway and Arcee won't mind that at all. Arcee comes completely reprogrammed with no memory of Springer or any other Autobot for that matter. The only thing on her mind will be you. Who says real men can't drive pink? She also comes equipped with paired pulse cannons to deal with any Decepticons that try to cramp your style.

The Battle-Ram from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Dick: Who's got the power of Grayskull now, baby?

Jane: You do, Dick! You do! (swoon).

Do women find you unattractive because you are unintelligent? Is your head better suited for opening jammed doors and slamming into robot armies than thinking? Are you not the he-man you want to be? Worry no more. As you can see in the above pictures, even the dimmest of men can drive away with a babe if he's behind the wheel of a Battle-Ram. This true-blue machine is able to take any terrain and the front-end detaches to become an air-sled in case you want to show your lady the view far above Castle Grayskull. And don't worry if your low I.Q. prevents you from operating heavy machinery. Just press the red button and the autopilot will take care of the rest.

The Car from Automan

Dick: Cursor, Car.

Cursor (Forms the car right before Dick and Jane's eyes)

Jane (Gets in car with Automan and drives off. Cursor takes postion in her charming neckline): Yeah!

Dick (standing alone on curb): Okay, not what I planned.

Take even the tightest of turns with this right-angle wonder. It's incredible digital-blue trim will make you the king of the night-drivers. We highly recommend seeing a showing of TRON or some other great CG movie when taking this four-wheeled wonder out on the town. This car comes free with cursor who can create a multitude of other date-handy items at command (e.g. Cursor, pick-up line dictionary; Cursor, VIP Entrance pass; Cursor charming personality). The list goes on and on.

Viper Defender

Johnson (Dick's Rival): Hey, Jane, my car can go from 0-60 in 4.6 seconds and has a maximum speed of 264 kph.

Dick (Presses button on his Viper Defender and fires a tunneller missile)

Johnson's Car: FRABOOOOOOM!!!

Dick: What car, Johnson? I don't see any car.

Have a blast with this sleek car as you take your girl out on the town and fight a little crime on the side. The Viper Defender comes loaded with all kinds of weaponry to impress even the most frigid date. Remember: show her the Viper before you show her the dragon.

The Batmobile

Dick: Well, Jane, how was I?

Jane: Fantastic, Dick. But, just one question.

Dick (turns on the Batmobile radio): Yeah?

Jane (smiling): Where do you get those wonderful toys?

Become every woman's Dark Knight in this impressive piece of machinery. Its dark exterior and erotic shape will instantly label you a man of mystery. Comes complete with bat-costume for those of you into that kind of thing. Stuck in traffic? The Batmobile's fantastic grappling hook allows you to make incredibly sharp turns, even drive up walls if there's a need. There's even a box of all-purpose pills in the visor to take care of that headache she says she has. Don't wait for some kind of signal in the sky. Get your Batmobile today.

The Amazing Turbo Teen

Jane (freaked out but unable to turn away): Eeeeek! Is that really happening?!

Dick: Don't worry, I gave him a burrito at lunch so he's got more than enough gas in him.

Jane: Eeewwwww!

Here we have the ultimate combination: a chauffeur and car all in one. This wonderful personal servant comes with water pistols for cold and hot water. Shoot him with hot water and he becomes an awesome computerized sportscar. Shoot him with cold and it reverts back to a man. This is particularly handy when your date doesn't work out and your looking for a buddy to spend the rest of the night with. The human form is trained in Atari 2600, Dungeons and Dragons, Playstation 2, professional wrestling watching, plastic light-sabre dueling, and other heart-break-healing activites. Yes, a loser in love can still be a winner in life, with The Amazing Turbo Teen.

The Technodrome

Jane (standing with her friends): Here comes my boyfriend now!


Did you promise your girl the world but have consistently failed to deliver? Did you win a contest to see a movie with 5000 of your closest friends, but you have no idea how you're going to get them all to the theatre? Are you all brain and no brawn (Sorry, Krang)? Well, you can solve all your problems right now, with the latest import from Dimension-X. The Technodrome comes fully loaded for all your theatre-going or world-conquering needs. Whether your going to bring an entire continent to its knees or just run over some mutant turtles, the Technodrome is the one for you.

And there you have it, real-man wannabes. Just like Peter Parker, we all know the true way to a woman's heart is through the vehicle we drive. So, gentlemen, get behind the wheel of one of these mean machines and start your engines. Soon, you'll have more women wanting to go out with you than you'll know what to do with. However, given time, I'm sure you'll think of something. Vrooom!!! Vrooom!!!

Peace Out.

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