The Original Burger King Kids Club Kids Speak Out

I interviewed four of these patty pushin' pals o' mine. Let's just say time hasn't been good to them, and neither was I.
February 12, 2005

Have you ever wondered what became of the Burger King Kids after they were exiled from the Kingdom? Me neither, but there was a few of them that were fairly interesting and worth checking up on, or at least I thought. After hours of back checking the four I finally decided on were Wheels, IQ, Snap, and of course KidVid.

So I contacted the washed up has been's and they were more than willing to come on down. Some were a bit harder to coax out than others and this actually wasn't my original four. Lingo was on the list, but he was deported from the States shortly after BK fired him; and boy what a paper trail, turns out his real name is Choco Moco Riggamaro. I also wanted to see JD the dog, but sadly he was dead. Ok, let's get going with the interviews.

The first one to show was I.Q. the brains of the outfit and all around smart-ass. Upon arrival he seemed to be pretty grounded and wore a formal suit as if I were interviewing him for an executive position or something.

Me: Well come on in IQ
IQ: Please call me Melvin
Me: Ok then...Melvin...I feel a little under dressed here, what's with the silk shirt
IQ: Oh I always dress like this, normally I'd be wearing my lab coat also, but it's at the cleaners.
Me: I see... Wow, this is sure cool having you guys come down here like this, I mean what are the odds that all four of you would agree to make it.
IQ: Exactly 245 to 1
Me: Oh yeah? hmm... so what have you done with yourself since BK gave you guys the boot?
IQ: Oh I never left BK; they kept me on in favor of my superior intellect.
Me: So what do you do for them? invent new burgers and such?
IQ: No nothing as simple and fruitless as that, we have marketing specialists for such tasks. No I rather work to eliminate competition, using my own tactics I formulize ways to further BK to the head of the market.
Me: Can you give me an example?
IQ: Very well, remember that whole E. coli incident at Jack in the Box?
Me: Oh yeah of course I do... wait... what are you saying
IQ: Feces occurs...
Me: Holy crap, I need a drink... what's your poison?
IQ: Oh nothing for me thanks, I don't drink it kills brain tissue
Me: You’re kidding me? you'll drink a BK milkshake, and you’re worried about alcohol killing your brain?
IQ: I would never ingest BK food, even when I was younger I would merely chew for the camera and then reverse the process I previously undertook
Me: So what you're saying is you spit it out?
IQ: Precisely, not even D.J. would eat that stuff and he was a canine
Me: Alrighty then... I think that just about wraps things up here, thanks a lot for your time Melvin, have a safe trip home and stay away from any food I might eat.
IQ: Indeed, the pleasure was indeed yours.

Man, what a jackass he thinks he's the hottest thing since flame-broiled patties! I'm glad that one is finally over.

Next one to arrive was Snaps... always a favorite among the fellows. Snaps was always the quiet and withdrawn one, kind of like that ultra friendly girl who you're always afraid to pick up on because you can't tell if she really likes you or not since she treats everybody the same. Anyways...

Me: Ah, come in come in Snaps, you're looking extravagant today.
Snaps: Ahhh, thank you... thank you so much. You are very kind
Me: Ok then, let's get it on, er I mean let's get on with it!
Snaps: (giggles)
Me: So, the first thing I really gotta know is this... how does it feel knowing that you gave Ninja Monkey his second wet dream?
Snaps: Oh, how flattering (rolls her eyes and makes a face) how pathetic is that? Seriously that guy needs to get a girlfriend.
Me: ... Wow I'm stunned; you're usually so nice and pleasant...
Snaps: I'll tell you something that Ninja Monkey is one sad Sam; did you know he took his sister's life size Barbie to prom?
Me: Actually no... he never mentioned that...
Snaps: And he also wrote love letters to Princess Zelda after Toadstool failed to write back!
Me: Ha ha ha, no way? that's freakin' hilarious! This is the best interview ever!
Snaps: Really, ahhh how sweet of you to say.
Me: ... yeah it's been pretty great...
Snaps: ...

I'm not going to go into the aftermath of this one, since you guys probably just wouldn't understand. Who would have thought you could find common ground just by talking about a guy who stains his nighties after watching Saturday morning cartoons. (Hey Ninja Monkey, this is all tongue in cheek bud, you are awesome)

Wheels rolled on in next and he was by far the funniest interview I had. His wheelchair was pretty tight looking too; he had Nos tanks, an underbody kit, and all sorts of cool stuff like that.

Me: Hey there Wheels have a seat.
Wheels: Smart-ass.
Me: Just playing with ya bud, but I do like your chair what kind of mileage do you get on that thing?
Wheels: Knock it the hell off!
Me: Sorry, I was being sincere though I do like your chair.
Wheels: Oh... well thanks...
Me: So pal, what have you been up to since BK wheeled you to the curb.
Wheels: Are you done?
Me: Yes...
Wheels: Ok then... so what I've been up to, I'm a mechanic.
Me: Pretty good career is it?
Wheels: Oh yeah, especially if you're good at it like I am.
Me: Sweet, so anything else going on with you?
Wheels: Actually yes, I've been getting into stand-up comedy.
Me: Oh I get it! Stand up! Ha ha ha ha, good one bud.
Wheels: ... that was no joke...
Me: Oh... look bud I'm really not as much of an ass as I sound like right now. Please do tell me a joke though.
Wheels: Well... ok I do have a one I can tell you. What did the BK associate say when he handed the customer a milkshake?
Me: Have a nice day?
Wheels: No... he said "Drink up before it gets cold"...
Me: Hey that's pretty good; I think you just may have a future in this.
Wheels: Well thank you, I appreciate your saying so.
Me: Not a problem bud, hey I appreciate you coming down here, have a safe trip home
Wheels: Thanks, take it easy

Nobody get the wrong idea, I have no problem with people being disabled, and rather I have a lot of respect for them and the way they are able to do things that everybody else does despite their setbacks. God bless them.

Ok so despite the fact that I thought his name was Wizkid for the longest time, KidVid was by far my favorite BK kid’s club member, that is until he betrayed my trust and did the most horrific thing imaginable.

Me: ...
KidVid: ...So, are you gonna sit there staring at me or are we gonna do this interview
Me: Why, why'd you do it?
KidVid: What do you mean, do what?
Me: Cut the crap, we all saw it; we all watched and know what you've done
KidVid: ...
Me: I remember it all like it was 13 years ago, I was 6 years old and Burger King was having a TMNT promotion, you were boasting the sweet gear and those cartoon videos that you guys were pawning off...
KidVid: Ok yeah, I remember that...
Me: And then just as the commercial was ending you did the inconceivable, you said "Get them before they're extinct" and then you zapped them into nothing with your stupid little remote!
KidVid: Chill man, it was just a commercial, all was well.
Me: Oh no, nothing was well; you know what that does to a 7 year old kid?
KidVid: No... what?
Me: Absolutely nothing, but this interview will seem more interesting if I play it off.
KidVid: Ah, I see
Me: So thanks for absolutely nothing you creep, I'll bet behind that hat and sunglasses you look like a chick
KidVid: Alright, I don't need this abuse... I'm out
Me: That's right! Run away you little @%&$!

Wow I'm glad I got that off my chest. Well folks this was just about the greatest thing to happen to me, and by the greatest I mean the worst. But that's ok; at least I got to meet four of the original BK kids.

Create your own BK crown in about 30 minutes, step by step instructions from yours truly.

Ok, so I'm sure many of you have seen those new burger King crowns they've been sporting these days with the little monsters on them, and I'm sure that even more of you have no idea what I'm talking about and don't care. Well today I'm going to show you how to take a gay BK crown and turn it into a less gay BK crown.

Ok, so first off you need to grab a BK crown on a visit to BK after your girlfriend tells you she wants one, then let it sit in your room for a month after she decides she doesn't want it after all, follow me so far?

Next you'll need a can of gold spray paint, or any other color you may prefer, also helps to have a dust mask so you don't breath in any toxic fumes or lead.

Next lay out your crown on a newspaper or old Dairy Queen banner, preferably outside so the fumes will not be confined. Spray the crown with the paint and allow it to dry for at least 5 minutes.

Once the crown has dried and you've scrubbed the paint from underneath your fingernails, it's time to go on a scavenger hunt, Hooray!! Find whatever you want to stick on your crown, I recommend those little glass beads that they stick in flower vases and fish bowls, but you can use pretty much anything. Since I have more bling bling than the entire Chinese Empire I opted to use some gold coins... ok so they're just Boondocks tokens.

Next pull your dusty old glue gun out of the bottom drawer and plug that puppy in, allow it to warm up for about three minutes. During these three minutes you can reflect on how idiotic this project is or work on finding your emblem. What emblem you ask? Every crown has a defining crest that shows who the owner is, this could be a picture you draw or design or something that you snag off the internet. Let your imagination flooooowwwwwww....

Assemble all your little trinkets and commence the gluing phase, be as abstract or as uniform as you want, you can check out mine below just to see how weak this thing can look when you’re finished.

Always wanting to be original and unique I used the old Burger King logo for my emblem, nobody can top that and I dare you to try. My crown is cock of the block.

Now that you have the crown composed you might as well sport it, wear it down to BK and see if they give you a free water. Not completely satisfied with your crown covered with amusement tokens and teddy grahams? at least it only took about a half an hour from your life.

Peace out my Lords and Ladies
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