Now continuing on with my previous article. Well, let's just face it there are some live-action flicks that never should have made it past the brain storming sessions. Here's a list of some of the one trick pony movies that bombed at the box office and spawned horrible straight to video sequals.
Masters of the Universe
Dolph Lundgren plays He-Man in the 1987 live-action flick Masters of the Universe.
Where do I even start with this movie? I was only 11 when I saw it and not only did Dolph Lundgren not look like He-Man he wasn't even an actor but an Engineering student. This low budget and limitless arrays of people who didn't have any kind of acting experience what so ever was probably one of the worst TV to movie adaptations I've ever seen in my short life. You'd think that the producers of this movie could find someone who actually looks like the cartoon character and can act like the cartoon character? But NOOOOOOOO! They had to hire someone who didn't have any acting experience to play He-Man the most powerful man in the universe. This was just career suicide for everyone who was involved with this horrible attrocity of a live-action flick.
How they even considered Dolph Lundgren for a role as important as He-Man is I'll never know but hiring an engineering student to play him wasn't the best way to go. Stick to engineering there Dolph because as an actor you stink.
He-Man and Skeletor's forces outside Castle Greyskull.
I can safely say that this movie wasn't very well thought out. It takes a master of boobery to make a live-action flick that's this bad. The way that this movie was presented just begs the question: just what the hell were the writers thinking even making this movie in the first place? The special effects in this movie are horrible and the plot? Well, there wasn't even a plot to speak of.
Dungeons and Dragons.
Oh yes how can we forget this attrocious mess of a movie that starred Marlon Wayans as the magician? This is an instance where I'll say that the cartoons are better.
Another Hollywood floppola that makes me wonder what they were thinking? An awsomely bad plot. Sure the kids want to get home to the real world just like in the cartoon but then that's where the similarities end.
Where in the hell did they get Marlon Wayans to even be in this movie anyways? That was the worst instance of career suicide I've ever seen because Marlon Wayans appears to have dropped off of the radar as well as some of the other actors who had parts in this movie.
This is the only instance where I'll say you're better off trying to find the original cartoons on DVD rather than watch this attrocious mess.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Yes they even made 3 horrible TMNT movies one after another that starred some second rate actors that I'm sure nobody has ever heard of at the time. Just Robbie Rist but that's about it.
I quite honestly can't say what kids ever saw in this movie but I can say this my brother, who was 12 at the time, and his friend would have sat through anything. Just a case of boys will be boys.
It tells the tale of how the TMNT came to be but the plot was horrible, and the acting was even worse. What the hell were they thinking making the TMNT movie, and its equally bad sequals The Secret of the Ooze and Turtles In Time, without really brain storming ideas on how the movie should have been thought out. Not that it was ever that well thought out in the first place.
The sequal spawned a threequal called Turtles in Time. I can't imagine why any kid would find this movie entertaining because really it isn't. It's just silly and poorly co-ordinated Power Rangersesque fighting skills with absolutely no thought put into it what so ever.
The Bat-Man Series
The Bat-Man series of movies became horrible after Michael Keaton left. As a new Bat-Man came to wear the cowl the more horrible the movies became.
Let's start with Bat-Man Returns.
Starring Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne, Danny DiVito as the Penguin, and Michelle Pfiffer as the Catwoman. I think that this movie is just begging for two questions to be asked.
1. Where the hell did they get Michelle Pfiffer to play Catwoman in the first place?
2. What the hell was Tim Burton thinking keeping this movie franchise going when this particular movie tanked at the box-office?
You've got the usual superhero vs supervillians senario, that started out well, but it ended on a rather boorish note. Tim Burton should have fought to keep Michael Keaton as Batman. At least then the acting in this movie would have been consistant with the acting in the previous two movies.
This attrocity of a Batman movie starred Val Kilmer as Batman, Chris O'Donnell as Robin, Tommy Lee Jones as Two Face, Jim Carrey as the Riddler, poor Frank Gorshin is probably rolling over in his grave right now, and Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl.
Yvonne Craig on the left and Alicia Silverstone on the right. Who's the prettier Bat Girl?
Hello? What were the writers smoking when they thought of this? To cast Val Kilmer in such an important role as Bruce Wayne and his alter-ego Batman. Not to mention Jim Carrey as the Riddler? Riddle me this and riddle me that. What were the writers thinking when they thought of that?
Batman and Robin
Now if you're a Batman purist you just may be thinking the very same thing as I am........ Think that this movie franchise can't get any worse? Well, think again. Now George Clooney wears the Batman Cowel as he goes out after Poison Ivy, played by Uma Thurman, and Mr Freeze, played by Arnold Schwartzenegger, and the plots, or lack there of, keep getting worse and worse.
And the worst of all the Batman movies and probably one of the sorriest excuses for a movie that I've ever come across is Batman Begins. This ungodly mess stars Christan Bale as Bruce Wayne as a young man whose parents are killed in a botched robbery.
And now there's the rest.
You'd thiink that Halle Berry being the talented african american actress that she is would be able to find a role that's as worthy of her talents as the X-Men movie was. Yes you'd think so wouldn't you?
Let me give you a brief synopsis of this movie so I can move on.
Halle Berry's character gets scratched by a cat and she becomes the Catwoman. Prowling in the middle of the night and acting like a cat in a very revealing dominatrix costume and a cat mask. She chases after the bad guys and helps the police to put them in jail. End of story.
In the cartoon Dr Bruce Banner gets belted by gamma rays and turns into the Hulk whenever he gets angry but in the movie there's a new twist. There's no actor to play the Hulk. The Hulk in the movie exists only through CGI or computer graphics imaging. What? No Lou Ferigno to play the Hulk? No actor saying "Please don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry."?
Oh well like I say: "you'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator."
Super Man The Return.
When you think of Superman you usually think of actors like Dean Cain and Tom Welling but in the movie they cease to use any sort of intellectual thinking when brainstorming ideas for this movie. Well, let's just face it the costume looks like someone walking around in boxer shorts that have had way too much laundry starch put on them through the rinse cycle.
This horrible mistake stars Brandon Routh as Clarke Kent a mild-mannered reporter that becomes a superhero crime fighter durring the night. The same ol' same ol'. Since last year I haven't seen a Superman that was more stiff.
This movie starred Matthew Brodrick as Inspector Gadget and a whole list of other actors that I've never heard of. This movie tanked at the box office and inspired a straight to video sequal. Inspector Gadget was a cartoon that was practically created for my generation of kids or younger and what the hell happened here? Disney took a perfectly good character as Inspector Gadget and turned it into a horrible box office bomb. Don't get me wrong. I like Matthew Brodrick just not as Inspector Gadget.
If I can say but one thing about this movie it's this. Don't waste your money on the movie DVDs and take your time to find the cartoon DVD box set. It will be worth your while to save your money for that one thing.
Ladies and gents there will probably be more live action flicks based on animation and TV shows of the past but these are some of the worst.