Dolly Parton: Oh, well, he was! Well, his name was Little Joe…[the cast now realizes she's relating the story of the TV show "Bonanza ] and he had more girlfriends than you could shake a stick at! Lord, the times that family had with that tiny servant of theirs…My Momma, she did, she had a big imagination, that's for sure! Hey, but she loved to tell us police stories, that was some of my favorites, too!
Dennis Miller: (surprised) She told you police stories?
Dolly Parton: Yeah.. well, she'd just talk a blue streak about these two detectives that would drive around L.A. in this blue Plymouth Valiant. One fella's name, I think, was Friday, and he did everything by the book. I mean, he was straighter than a hog's tail in a pork factory! See, my Momma had so many stories, and the funniest ones were about this silly, silly, crazy woman named Lucy! I man, she got into all kinds of crazy situations! There was this one time when her husband Ricky--he was this Cuban fella--and he had an audition in Los Angeles, and they lost their script, Lucy did, so she had to sneak into the studio, and William Holden was there, and it was just the biggest mess!
(She looks like she doesn't get it; I think he's a little suprised)
Dana Carvey: So…these were made up?
Dolly Parton: Right. Except for the ones about Friday. Momma said that they were based on some kind of truth, but that they always changed the names to protect the innocent.
Kevin Nealon: So, there were no televisions anywhere?
Dolly Parton: Well, of course not! I mean, why would we need one? Family's all you need! [thinking] Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you, there was this Halloween special, that was Momma's favorite! It was a spooky story about a witch, and she had these magical powers…and she married this advertising agent, his name was Darren. See, Darren didn't want anybody to know about his wife, so they lived out in the suburbs, and they had this real, real nosy neighbor--
Jon Lovitz: [excited] Oh! Ms. Kravitz! [quickly covers his mouth as Jan Hooks gives him a dirty look]
Dolly Parton: Wow! That's right, Jon! How'd you know that? Are you from the hills?
Jon Lovitz: Uh, no…I…I…
Jan Hooks: (Argues) Jon! Yes, of course, he's from the hills…aren't you, Jon?
Jon Lovitz: Yes…I'm from Arkansas…
Dolly Parton: Well, I never knew that! That is something! Well, you learn something new everyday! Well, listen, I hope that you enjoyed the stories, and thank you for listening…but I gotta go get ready for the next thing…
(Cast says good-bye to Dolly, and then all look at each other, as if they are taking stock of what they just heard)
Nora Dunn: That poor, poor woman…
Kevin Nealon: Yeah. Thinking that stuff was original.
Dana Carvey: Boy, can you imagine missing out on all those hours and hours of television?
Dennis Miller: Yeah, and then having to hear about it secondhand. I mean, it's so sad…
Phil Hartman: Is it really? No, I mean, think about it. While we had all that fed to us, she got to use her imagination.
Jan Hooks: Yeah…we're all kind of constrained to the limits of what we saw. But not Dolly.
Phil Hartman: Who knows what her Darren looks like? Her Hoss? Her Friday? Her Larry Tate!
Kevin Nealon: Maybe her Colonel Klink had a thick head of hair!
Jon Lovitz: Maybe her Lassie was a dachschund!
Victoria Jackson: You know what? Maybe we should all stop watching TV…
Phil Hartman: [ laughs ] That's ridiculous! It's just something that happened to Dolly.
(Everyone begins to get up to exit the main stage)
Dennis Miller: Miss out on TV, what are you talking about…
(Audience cheers and applauds)Conclusion
This has been the first installment of “Saturday Night Live Moments.” As I’ve said, I hope this is the first of many to come, but I may just make this a regular posting on the forum. I’m not sure yet—if this gets approved, then I’ll decide.
But, until then, be wary of anyone who wants to tell you “mountain stories.”Screen caps and sketch dialogue from “The Best of Saturday Night Live: 1988.” Distributed by Starmaker Entertainment, Copyright 1992. Sketch copyright 1989.