Scott:
"Everybody loves Denny's! It's an American institution!"
Scott:
"Where is he?"
Laura:
"I think he's in his room jumping on his bed and wearing a red hat and galoshes."
Scott:
"I'm not talking about Neil! I'm talking about Charlie!"
Scott:
"What about hair? Facial hair? How quick does it grow? I shave in the morning and in the afternoon I look like this!"
Scott:
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night, and when I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan!"
Charlie:
"Whoa! How did you do that?! What did it feel like, Dad?"
Scott:
"It felt like "America's Most Wanted"!"
Police Chief:
"Okay, everybody. This our perpetrator. Scott Calvin, age 38. Believes himself to be Santa Claus! This one won't be easy to find!"
Officer:
"But won't the red suit and white beard give him away?"
Scott:
"1-800-SPANK ME?!"
Charlie:
"(the chimney spits up Scott)
Whoa, how did you do that? What did it feel like Dad?"
Scott Calvin:
"It felt like America's Most Wanted. Now pull me in quick..we gotta get out of here. How do you start this thing? (pulls the sleigh ropes) I guess like that.(flies off to the next house)"
Scott Calvin:
"Yeah, well, look at my hair. It's turning grey."
Dr. Pete Novos:
"Oh. It's middle age, buddy. It happens and with that body, you should be thankful you have hair.
Look… If it bothers you, you can dye it,
and you should diet!"
Dr. Pete Novos:
"I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse."
Scott Calvin:
"Yeah! [He slaps & rubs his belly] Clydesdale!"
Dr. Novos:
"So, what? You put on a little weight."
Scott:
"'weight'? Does this look like a little 'weight' to you? [He stands up and starts shaking his belly]"
Novos:
"Weight can fluctuate from year to year."
Scott:
"'fluctuate'? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45lbs in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?"
Pete:
"Well… What's your diet like?"
Scott:
"Milk and cookies."
Novos:
"Really?"
Scott:
"But, I don't finish all the milk."
Pete:
"Well then. There is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets. Okay?"
Scott:
"This could be a really long night."
Charlie:
"Do it again, Dad. Please."
Scott:
"I can't. That thing's empty. There's nothin' in the bag. Even if there was, d-didn't you notice there's no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace."
Comet:
"(growling at Scott)"
Scott:
"Are you growling at me? Look, Comet, like I said, there is nothing left-- That's so weird, 'cause I know when I did-- that-- No, no, no, no, no! Hold it! There's no chimney here. Can you hear me? No chimney, all right?" (hovers over the thin pipe)"
Charlie:
"Lookin' good, Dad."
Scott:
"You have got to be kidding! Come on! Look at the size of this thing! Mmmmm...aweawe...."
Neil and Charlie:
"Neil: "Charlie, he is *not* Santa!"
Charlie: "He is *too* Santa!"
-Neil and Charlie"
Scott Calvin:
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
When I get home, I'm getting a cat scan!"
Sarah and Scott Calvin:
"Sarah: "How come your clothes are so baggy?"
Scott Calvin: "Because Santa is...watching his saturated fats."
Sarah: "How come you don't have a beard?"
Scott: "Because I shaved!"
-Sarah and Scott Calvin"
Charlie:
"Just because you can't see something, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
-Charlie"
Scott Calvin:
"Charlie, stay away from those things. You don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease."
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