Congratulations! You have made the crucial life decision to engage in villainous activity. Along with devoting your life to the dark side come many rights and responsibilities. Many new villains tend to focus on the rights of evil leaders: the right to murder/destroy your own people, turn on your fellow evil-doers, and, in general, attain power and money without the pesky distraction of a conscious. However, there are a few responsibilities to consider when taking the role of the bad guy. The responsibility we are going to discuss today is one simple (and proven) rule: You just can't mess with Christmas.Christmas: It's the Law!
Christmas, with its overwhelmingly noble leaders Santa Claus and Jesus, is just too good a force for us villains to get involved with. Although the risk of basic failure is quite high, Christmas brings about an even greater and more terrible threat - the frighteningly high risk of a change-of-heart. (see graph below)
In fact, Christmas is the number one reason for a change-of-heart in any villain, worldwide. Next, we shall examine a few case studies of former villains who unwisely chose to mess with Christmas, and what became of them.
We will start with the oldest of the villains to have clearly messed with Christmas: Ebenezer Scrooge.
He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge. But what does that really mean? Well, what if you were an 80-year-old man who had never married and owned and operated a "counting house" and your business partner had just recently died? Yes, it is the tried and true formula for a nasty old codger. It could have happened to anyone, but it was no help that this guy had been a dick most of his life anyway. But did he have to curse Christmas directly? I mean, was all the "Bah, Humbug!" pish-posh really necessary? No. And if he hadn't done that, he perhaps could have been bitter and cruel for the rest of his days, just as we strive to be. But this was one change-of-heart scenario where Christmas LITERALLY scared Scrooge straight. "I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me I may sponge away the writing on this stone!" -Ebenezer Scrooge (while kneeling over a future illusion of his own gravestone)]
This scene is pretty much always depicted the same way, no matter which version you watch:
This one took the analogy a little too realisticly:
Yeah. Not typically Christmas's style, but effective nonetheless.
Next in our lineup of Christmas do-bader's is The Abominable Snow Monster of the North
(sometimes called the abominable snowman or "bumble"). Naturally, as most of us do, he hated Christmas and all its goodness and cheer. However, he took it a step too far when he threatened Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and his family. Rudolph's friends came along (you'll notice that around Christmas time there always seem to be "friends" showing up at inopportune moments) and knocked him out, and did some sort of antediluvian tooth protraction procedure that was certainly not certified by a licensed professional. And what does "Bumble" do after that? Just where do you next see the Abominable Snow Monster?
Why, he is putting the star atop a Christmas tree! I don't know about you, but if I had every tooth in my mouth unceremoniously yanked from each individual socket while I was unconscious, I'd be waking up with some pretty horrendous oral pain, and would certainly not be thinking about how I should suddenly have a change-of-heart for Christmas. But, again, that's just how powerful a force Christmas is.
Another person who likes to mess with Christmas is Vince Vaughn. Hey man, stop making shitty Christmas movies!!! I mean, you went from Swingers and Dodgeball to this?
The consequence of messing with Christmas in this case is a quickly dwindling fan base. I got some advice for you Vince: Crash Weddings, not Christmas!
Some may argue that the 'Wet Bandits' Harry and Marv did not fail in their mission due to messing with Christmas, but because they were bested by an 8-year-old. But the fact cannot be argued that these two DID mess with Christmas. Big time. Robbing presents from right under the tree? Picking on a kid who's all alone on Christmas Eve? Please. Still, as villains we can respect these two for not falling prey to any sort of goodness or happiness associated with a Christmas-induced change of heart. They not only broke out of jail, but insisted on once again messing with Christmas once they were free (this time, in the Big Apple)! Of course, they got caught again. They were actually planning to rob the sweetest old man in the city who happened to own a TOY store. And, as the cherry on top, he was going to be giving the proceeds directly to CHARITY!!!!!!
Sayonara, morons. The only lesson greater than "Don't Mess with Christmas" is, if you happen to get away with messing with Christmas once, you sure as hell better not mess with it again.
Finally, we come to the most well-known villain to have ever messed with Christmas - the one and only Grinch.
Often called a mean one, a rotter, and even a nasty-wasty skunk, the Grinch hated Christmas possibly more than anyone alive. It was because of this hatred that the Grinch did the unthinkable: he actually impersonated Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, and instead of delivering presents, took them away!
Now that's ballsy. What he didn't count on was running into the cutest, most innocent looking thingy probably on earth, Cindy Lou Who.
He soon realizes "What Christmas is All About", an ambiguous term that Christmas supporters have long touted as part of a complicated change-of-heart tactic. Anyways, just look at what became of the Grinch:
DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! DON'T MESS WITH CHRISTMAS!!!