My 80's Crushes

The women that set my heart a flutter and caused strange happenings in my nether regions
January 29, 2008
There are many memorable firsts in a young man's life. These are the moments that you remember with such clarity you would think your life has been recorded on not just DVD, but rather on some freakish ultra-clear HD-DVD, Blu Ray hybrid.

For some men it's the first time your parents give you a wallet with your first weekly allowance. I remember mine had Velcro fasteners with Megatron and Optimous Prime locked in mortal combat on the front. Others remember the first time their Dad let them drive the car or the first time they felt truly embarrassed in class. However, what every man recalls with the utmost clarity due to the thrilling/terrifying nature of the event is the first time their reproductive glands spring to life and say, "Hey I'm down here, I'm not going away for a looooooonnnnggggg time and I WILL NOT be ignored."

For me this first moment of awakening came when I was watching the 1980 Miss America pageant. Why a seven year old was watching this event that's usually reserved for much older perverts and house wives across America escapes me, but I do remember running to my Dad in terror wanting to know what was going on.

From there it was all downhill, or uphill if we look at the situation literally. Regardless, I knew that there would be many women I would admire from afar for years to come. Here are some of my top choices. What about the rest of you?


While most boys in my class lusted after Tiffany's bubble gum counterpart Debbie Gibson, I knew I was beginning a long and tumultuous fascination with red heads after seeing Ms. T's first video "I think we're alone now." At the time I had no idea this song was a remake, so not only was I extremely attracted to this acid wash wonder, but I also thought her music genius was bar none (hey it was pre Google cut me some slack).

The first time I saw Tiffany in person was at the Jones Beach Coliseum in New York. For weeks prior to this epic event, I lived with my ear to the radio waiting to be the 100th caller to Z100 out of New York. Every time they played her ode to teenage angst "What could have been" they opened up the phone lines to give away tickets. Finally one week before the event I got through to the DJ, and gushed in my pre-pubescent voice why it meant so much for me to see my denim goddess.

I got the tickets and coerced one of my older neighbors to make the long trek from Princeton up the NJ turnpike to the L.I.E. I had my ride, I had my tickets and I also had the unique pleasure of being introduced to a new group that was her opening act - New Kids on the Block! In retrospect I could have lived without te opening act, but at least I saw "history" in the making.
Madeline: The Forgotten Hottie of The Wonder Years

The Wonder Years was probably my favorite show growing up. Even though it took place in a decade prior to my birth, the fact that Kevin Arnold and I were the same exact chronological age during the show run and its top notch writing kept me tuning in each week. It was a show that spoke to me unlike any other. Every thought that was narrated by Daniel Stern was also running through my teenage cerebellum.

Like most fans of the show, I did have an interest in Winnie Cooper (albeit a passing one) and of course the unattainable older sister Karen, but it wasn't until later in the show's run where I met the girl that would take my breath away - Madeline!

Madeline was a transfer student that appeared in Kevin's French class one day. From her gorgeous hair that seemed to defy gravity to her cat like eyes, I thought at last Kevin can forsake the stick-girl that had put him through so much emotional turmoil. In their initial interchange Kevin slips into a dream sequence in which she speaks flawless words of love in French, and he responds by asking her repeatedly if "she would like some butter." I was in the throws of my own troubles with French class at the time and had similar issues remembering anything beyond "where's the bathroom" and "shut up Robert."

Unfortunately Madeline was not long for this world. Despite having the sexual drive of a woman twice her age, Kevin staved her advances because his heart truly belonged to Winnie. To this day I still shake my head in disbelief and dismay.

Erin Gray, Got MILF?

I had a double love affair with Ms. Gray. I first fell for her as Commander Wilma Deering in the space epic Buck Rogers. From her glittering quasi-futuristic space mini skirts to her, well OK that was pretty much all I needed. I wasn't quite sure what I was looking at, but I knew liked it.

When some time had passed and my tastes had the ability to mature, I was once again treated to Ms. Gray as the aucy secretary to Edward Stratton III on Silver Spoons. Even though her outfits were a bit less revealing and topped with shoulder pads that made Mean Joe Green envious, there was still something about this model turned actress that sent my heart racing at a mile a minute.

So seriously, who were some of your crushes? I have more, but I want to hear back from you first.
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