Abadox - NES

Abadox! Plotless gruesomeness that will keep you glued to the screen.
By eep
March 11, 2005
Prepare yourselves for the worst game ever

Abadox - nintendo entertainment system

Warning: Before you even start to read my review of Nintendo’s Abadox, I just want to let you all know that this game is one of the worst games ever made (besides) a nightmare on elm street. Just imagine a company whose prime source of entertainment is family board games and for some reason just out of the blue compiled a “hip” video game...what would you get? Abadox! This game doesn’t carry much of a plot but the gruesome scenes kept my attention and tons of kids glued to the screen back in the 80’s (kind of like horror movies). So I plan on creating a new storyline for future generations to enjoy while I’m writing this review. I hope you’ll enjoy my rants that somewhat revolve around Milton Bradley’s Abadox.

Dennis Franz (better known as the fat guy from NYPD Blue) had been shot into space, programmed by a nuclear terrorist to suck our entire universe though his obese mustache wearing mouth. Who could save us from total eradication you ask? Who will be our hero?! Only one man can stop him…and that man is Screech. Training fifteen years for a mission of this description, Screech is more than prepared to go deep inside an overweight man’s intestines. What he wasn’t prepared for was a disturbing call from the nuclear terrorist.

: Hello?
: Hello?
: HELLO?! Stupid cell phone! I only have one connection bar!
: You must have the wrong number.
: I’m sorry.

After checking the number again the nuclear terrorist redialed to give Screech fully detailed information of his threatening measures.

: Hello?
: Hello?
: Hello! I’m your local nuclear terrorist and I wanted to inform you that I’m taking over the universe.
: That’s nice, but I’m in the middle of watching my favorite episode of Saved by the Bell, it’s the episode where Screech (cough), played by yours truly, finally kisses Lisa Turtle…
: Funny you should mention that.
: Oh? Why, did you enjoy my wonderful performances as a sophisticated teenager?
: Yeah sure buddy. We have Lisa Turtle hostage inside Dennis Franz’s reproductive organ.
: (Sarcastic laugh)
: What do you want from me? Why didn’t you call Zack or Slater?
: We did, but their careers are still alive. Zack portrays a fat cop and Slater plays with domestic animals on Animal Planet.
: (Sarcastic laugh) Eh, don’t worry about it. We’ll give you complete directions, three lives and two continues. But, don’t ever wait for the screen that says “press start” and accidentally press A, A, UP, B, B, DOWN, A, B, B, START…that would be cheating!!!
: Sounds good, but what’s the catch?
: Catch? (Sarcastic laugh)
: What do you keep laughing at?!
: (Sarcastic laugh)

Screech must enter through Dennis Franz's mouth.

What the nuclear terrorist neglected to tell Screech was that he must enter through Dennis Franz’s huge mouth. Screech must travel through Dennis Franz’s innards, exterminating all his working organs in order to save the universe, but more importantly, Lisa Turtle.

Dennis Franz's evil intestine.

Approaching monsters such as the above might prevent Screech from rescuing Lisa Turtle, but this is his high school sweet heart. Nothing could stand in the way of a forty-five year old virgin…especially if he knows that he is going to make sweet love to something rather than his VCR.

The ugly eagle provides Screech with weapons.

Battling through gauntlets of strange mutated intestines, Screech is assisted by an ugly eagle that transforms into weapons of mass destruction. Whether it is missile launchers, speed pills or little orbs that mimic everything Screech does, the ugly eagle can provide them. We love you ugly eagle. Remember, beauty is skin deep!

Finally, confronting Dennis Franz’s evil unborn fetus, huge lobster claws emerge cutting into Screech’s patented astronaut suit (equipped with the most high tech pocket protectors, easy to reach calculator and A.V. club card soldered directly onto the chest of the suit).

: AHHHHH! Now it’s WAR!!

Firing missiles directly into the mouth of the evil unborn fetus, Screech began to think of all the times Zack and Slater schemed against him, the beating he received for his homework and the girls they had stolen from him.


Dennis Franz’s begins to weaken. His fetus deteriorates as Lisa Turtle appears. Screech grabs hold of her and packs her tightly in a pinball as he releases a bomb shell from his backpack. Setting the timer for twenty seconds, Screech’s only escape is through Dennis Franz’s asshole. Avoiding feces and other forms of excrement, Screech and Lisa Turtle successfully escape, watching Dennis Franz’s ugly head explode.

One of the worst video game endings ever!

: We’re safe now Lisa. Now we can live happily ever after together.
: As if! Bug breath, I’m pregnant. i'm not sure if it’s Zack’s or Slater’s, but I definitely know it’s not Mr. Belding’s, he wore a condom.

All right, so my story is crappy, but it’s a lot better than Abadox’s storyline. So, overall Abadox is one of the worst games ever made and I strongly advise all who read this to avoid the game at all costs. I’m so tired of talking about this game, I can’t wait to be done with this review and get on with my life. Though this review is a piece of crap and makes absolutely no sense I am proud that I finally reviewed something that I truly hate. Instead of writing something that interested me, making it a whole lot easier to write about, I wanted to review a crappy Nintendo game. Roy had mentioned Abadox a week and a half ago, asking me if I had ever played it. I explained to him that Abadox was on my list of crappy NES video games and that I wanted to review that and many other mind numbingly boring games. I’m going to hold back from crappy video game reviews for a while and begin working on things that are more enjoyable, like Atari and Sega CD! Abadox receives a huge zero out of a possible four!


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