The Magic of Johnny Carson Part 1

Johnny Carson, host of the Tonight Show for 30 years, some of those years would fit right in here. Some of his best sketches.
April 17, 2006
How I got to know Johnny Carson was from the anniversary shows my dad taped
when I was a kid. I never watched them until recently.
This first sketch is from 1968 with Jack Webb, from Dragnet.

Basically, the whole sketch is Webb and Carson against a black background.
Webb: This is the city.

Webb: Los Angeles, California. Some people rob for pleasure. Some rob
because it's there. You never know. My name's Friday, I'm a cop. I was
working the day watch out of robbery when I got a call from the Acme School
Bell Company. There'd been a robbery.
Carson: There's been a robbery.
Webb: Yes, sir, what was it?
Carson: My clappers.
Webb: Your clappers?
Carson: You know, those things inside the bell that makes them clang.
Webb: the clangers?
Carson: Yeah, that's right, we call them clappers in the business.
Webb: A clapper caper.
Carson: What's that?
Webb: Nothing, sir. Now can I have the facts? What kind of clappers were
stolen on this caper?
Carson: They were copper clappers.
Webb: And where were they kept?
Carson: In the closet.
Webb: Uh-huh. You have any ideas who might have taken the copper clappers
from the closet?
Carson: Well, just when I fired a man, he'd swore he'd get even.
Webb: What was his name?
Carson: Claude Cooper.
Webb: You think...
Carson: That's right. I think Claude Cooper copped my copper clappers kept
in the closet.
Webb: You know where this Claude Cooper is from?
Carson: Yeah, Cleveland.
Webb: That figures.
Carson: What makes it worse: They were clean.
Webb: Clean copper clappers?
Carson: That's right.
Webb: Why would you think Cleveland's Claude Cooper would cop your clean
copper clappers kept in your closet?
Carson: Only one reason.
Webb: What's that?
Carson: He's a kleptomaniac.
Webb: Who first discovered the copper clappers were copped?
Carson: My cleaningwoman, Clara Clifford.
Webb: That figures. Now let's see if I got the facts straight here:
Cleaningwoman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers kept in a
closet were copped by Claude Cooper, the kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now is
that about it?
Carson: One other thing.
Webb: What's that?
Carson: If I ever catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland who copped
my clean copper clappers kept in the closet,
Webb: Yes?
Carson: I'll clobber 'im!
This next sketch is with Albert Brooks, who later became a key guest voice
on the first few years of "The Simpsons."

Brooks: Premiering tonight, the second ingredient in the home comedy kit,
the electronic dummy, you don't need to be able to throw your voice, would
you please welcome Buddy.
(audience claps.)

Brooks: Alright.
(slight noise of a Speak 'n' Say turning on.)
Brooks: Buddy, Say Hi to the audience.
Buddy: I.
Brooks: Happy to be here, Buddy?
Buddy: S.
Brooks: Yes, I know you are. Buddy, do you know where you are? Look around,
do you know where you are?
Buddy: TV.
Brooks: Very good, Buddy. Very good. Buddy had an ear infection Johnny,
Carson: Oh?
Brooks: He couldn't hear earlier and he almost didn't want to come on.
Buddy, is your ear better?
Buddy: A
Brooks: I said Can you hear now?
Buddy: A
Brooks: I said is your ear better?! Alright, fine. Buddy just got back from
Mexico. Did you have a good time, Buddy?
Buddy: C
Brooks: Alright.
(long laughter.)
Brooks: You like Mexico?
Buddy: C
Brooks: Uh-huh. Gonna stay there for a while?
Buddy: C
Brooks: I see. If you could say "cy" we could have a bit.
Johnny: What's your sister's name?
Brooks: Lu
Buddy: C
Brooks: Buddy has a party to go to tonight, he's very excited, he and his
girlfriend have been going together for two years, you're going to exchange
gifts, right?
Buddy: S
Brooks: You're gonna give her a car, right?
Buddy: S
Brooks: What are you gonna get her, Buddy?
Buddy: XKE
Brooks: Ooh, a Jaguar, very nice. What's she gonna give you, Buddy?
Buddy: VD.

In this last sketch from 1982, Johnny Carson does his Reagan impersonation,
and since I have no idea who is Jim Baker, we'll call Carson Reagan and
whoeverthisguyis Jim,.

Reagan (into a speakerphone): Would you send in Jim Baker please?
(Jim Baker walks in.)
Baker: 'Morning Mr. President.
Reagan: Well, good morning, Jim, just sit down.
(Baker does.)

Baker: Your press conference is scheduled to begin in an hour, so we only
have a short time for me to brief you on the kind of subjects the press may
throw at you.
Reagan: Well, now, the environment is on their minds, I'm sure they'll ask
me about my Secretary of the Interior.
Baker: Watt.
Reagan: I said, I'm sure they'll ask me about my Secretary of the Interior.
Baker: Watt.
Reagan: Jim, I just told you I think they'll ask about my Secretary of the
Baker: James Watt. You're scheduled to go swimming with him tomorrow morning
at the Y.
Reagan: Where?
Baker: Y.
Reagan: Y.
Baker: That's right. With Watt.
Reagan: With Watt, I don't even know with who, Jim.
Baker: Not Hu, Watt.
Reagan: Well, now, let's get this straight. I'm going swimming tomorrow with
Baker: Watt.
Reagan: Where?
Baker: Y.
(about 10 seconds of applause.)
Reagan: Let's go on to the Middle East now, I'll need the first name of the
head of the PLO, that Arafat guy.
Baker: Yassir.
Reagan: I said I'll need the first name of the head of the PLO.
Reagan: Let's go on to the Middle East now, I'll need the first name of the
head of the PLO.
Baker: Yassir.
Reagan: Jim, it's nice of you to be polite, but what is his name?
Baker: No, sir, Yassir.
Reagan: Well, you're giving me two different bad answers, Jim. What is his
Baker: No, sir, Yassir.
Reagan: Well, now, I asked you what is the first name of the head of the
PLO, and you tell me no, sir.
Baker: That's right.
Reagan: Then you tell me, yes, sir.
Baker: Absolutely. You got it.
Reagan: I got what?
Baker: He's the Secretary of the Interior.
Reagan: Jim, I don't understand why you're doing this to me.
(phone rings. Jim answers it.)
Baker (to person on phone): Oval office, Baker. Yes? You have the head of
the Republic of China calling for the President. Premier Chung Dung Hu. Hold
(to Reagan) Mr. President, Hu's on the phone.
Reagan: Well, now, Jim, I don't know. Who's on the phone?
Baker: That is correct.
Reagan: What's correct?
Baker: No, he's your Secretary of the Interior.
Reagan: Now Jim, let's just start all over here, very quietly. Just tell me,
Jim, who is on the phone?
Baker: Hu is on the phone.
Reagan: Who?
Baker: Yeah, sir.
Reagan: That Arafat guy is on the phone, Jim?
Baker: No, sir, Hu is.
Reagan: What?
Baker: Swimming...
(simultaneously, Reagan frustrated) Tomorrow morning at the Y.

In Part 2 (if this gets accepted), I'll tell you the story of how my Grandpa met Johnny Carson during WWII.
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