"We tried to figure where to take you last night, but you kept saying, "Why-oh, why-oh, why-oh did I ever leave Ohio?"."
"That's a damn good question. Why did I leave?"
"You can tell the men from the boys by the price of their toys."
"[after hearing his daughter's answering machine saying "We're not in"]
But what does "we" mean?"
I think it's the plural form, meaning "more than one." Would you like me to conjugate that for you, Pop? Do you know what "conjugate" means, Dad?"
"Sandy, you keep leaving the soap on the shower floor, and it keeps getting gross and squishy, and then it just disappears. And this was my favorite soap-on-a-rope, and look at this...it's just rope."
"Gosh, Michael, what a gut-wrenching tragedy. Get Jerry Lewis on the phone, we'll get a tel-a-thon going."
"Putting those ships into those bottles, that's got to take a lot of patience, intelligence, skill, and talent."
The Harbor Master:
"I bought this for a buck from a nine-year-old girl."
"Wow, shrewd and thrifty, too."
"[about her surfer engagement ring] It's a good thing you're not a plumber, or I'd be wearing a toilet bowl on my hand!"
"Mom, was I adopted, and if not, can I be now?"
"I know exactly what's in there. It's been in there every single day of my life. It's peanut butter, isn't it, Mom? ISN'T IT?"
"You must represent darkness, evil, and godless communism."
"Shhh...I think I hear something."
"You mean she's making noise in her own apartment? They just go nuts in California, huh dad?"