The Santa Clause Quotes
33423
Scott:
Where is he?
Laura:
I think he's in his room jumping on his bed and wearing a red hat and galoshes.
Scott:
I'm not talking about Neil! I'm talking about Charlie!
33422
Scott:
What about hair? Facial hair? How quick does it grow? I shave ion the morning and in the afternoon I look like this!
33012
Scott:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night, and when I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan!
32970
Charlie:
Whoa! How did you do that?! What did it feel like, Dad?
Scott:
It felt like "America's Most Wanted"!
31238
Police Chief:
Okay, everybody. This our perpetrator. Scott Calvin, age 38. Believes himself to be Santa Claus! This one won't be easy to find!
Officer:
But won't the red suit and white beard give him away?
11462
Scott:"1-800-SPANK ME?!"
11461
(the chimney spits up Scott)
Charlie: Whoa, how did you do that? What did it feel like Dad?
Scott Calvin: It felt like America's Most Wanted. Now pull me in quick..we gotta get out of here. How do you start this thing? (pulls the sleigh ropes) I guess like that.(flies off to the next house)
11460
Scott Calvin: Yeah, well, look at my hair. It's turning grey.
Dr. Pete Novos: Oh, it's middle age, buddy. It happens. And with that body, you should be thankful you have hair. Look, if it bothers you, you can dye it - and you should DIET!
11459
Dr. Pete Novos: I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse.
Scott Calvin: Yeah!(slaps and rubs his belly) Clydesdale!
Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight.
Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?(stands up and starts shaking his belly)
Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year.
Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?
Dr. Pete Novos: Well, what's your diet like?
Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies.
Dr. Pete Novos: Really?
Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk.
Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?
11458
(Comet farts by Scott)
Scott: Easy, Rudolph.
(Comet growls)
Scott: Excuse me, Comet.
Charlie: Dad! Check out Santa's sleigh.
Scott: There's no such thing as Santa's sleigh.
Charlie: Sure there is. You said you believed in Santa, right?
Scott: I did? I do.
Charlie: What about the reindeer? These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?
Scott: I hope not. These are, uh, a gift. Probably from the cable company.We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas. Now, hop out of there, please.
Charlie: I don't wanna go.
Scott: Listen, Charlie. I'm not kidding. Let's go!
(reindeer fly off the roof)
Scott: Whoa! Whoa!
Charlie: Yeah! Let's go! Whoa!
Scott: Charlie! Hold on, Charlie! Whoa!
Charlie: Giddyap, Comet! Whoa, let's go! Dad! Climb up here!
Scott:There we go!So, uh, if we go straight on this road, and we hit I94..
(on a roof)
Scot: Well, we made good time. Now what do we do?
Charlie: Get the bag of toys.
Scott: And do what?
Charlie: Go down the chimney.
Scott: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house in my underwear?
Charlie: No. You gotta put the suit on first.
Scott: You know what we're gonna do is we're gonna get outta here, because this whole thing is stupid.
Charlie: How come everything I wanna do is stupid?
Scott: I didn't say that...................Freezing my nubs off out here, and you want me to get into a Santa costume.This is great. A Santa costume.Oh, this thing. You never know where it's been. A thousand malls.
Well, I hope you're happy, Comet. Hope you're happy. But most of all, I hope the guy that lives here is a tailor! Nice coat. Well, how do I look? Nice?
Charlie: You forgot the sash.
Scott: You're right. This completes the ensemble. All right. Got my boots. Now I've got the suit on. How am I supposed to know what to leave?
Charlie: Maybe there's a list.
Scott: A list. How silly of me. Of course there's a list.
(Scott floats to the chimney unexpectadely)
Charlie: Careful, Dad!
Scott: I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay!
Charlie: Look! You're flying!
Scott: It's okay. I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(Scott goes down the square chimney and squeezes together then falls and lands on the floor inside on his behind)
11457
Scott: "This could be a really long night."

Charlie: "Do it again, Dad. Please."

Scott: "I can't. That thing's empty. There's nothin' in the bag. Even if there was, d-didn't you notice there's no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace."

Comet: (growling at Scott)

Scott: "Are you growling at me? Look, Comet, like I said, there is nothing left-- That's so weird, 'cause I know when I did-- that-- No, no, no, no, no! Hold it! There's no chimney here. Can you hear me? No chimney, all right?" (hovers over the thin pipe)

Charlie: "Lookin' good, Dad."

Scott: "You have got to be kidding! Come on! Look at the size of this thing! Mmmmm...aweawe...."
11456
Neil and Charlie:
Neil: "Charlie, he is *not* Santa!"
Charlie: "He is *too* Santa!"
-Neil and Charlie
11455
Scott Calvin:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan!"
-Scott Calvin
11454
Sarah and Scott Calvin:
Sarah: "How come your clothes are so baggy?"
Scott Calvin: "Because Santa is...watching his saturated fats."
Sarah: "How come you don't have a beard?"
Scott: "Because I shaved!"
-Sarah and Scott Calvin
11453
Charlie:
Just because you can't see something, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
-Charlie
11452
Scott Calvin:
Charlie stay away from those things. You don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.
-Scott Calvin