Top Ten Awesomely bad movies of the 90s

The Top Ten most awesomely bad movies from the 90's
March 10, 2005
I'm Back with a brand new list of the worst in entertainment. This time we go to an age where the internet was still young and Dennis Rodman still played Basketball. Yes I'm talkin about the 90's.

The same thing happened to me when making this list as when I made my Awesomely Bad 80's movies list. I just couldn't let go of #11. I love it too much.

11 I Come In Peace aka Dark Angel

My Favorite Dolph Lundgren Movie(yes even better than Masters of the Universe, The Punisher, and Red Scorpion) This movie is about an evil criminal alien who comes to Earth in search of the Universes best Narcotic. The problem is, it's found inside the Human brain, and even then it is only there when other drugs are pumped into the human body. The evil alien doesn't speak much but he does say "I come in peace" a lot. Every now and again he would smirk as he killed someone.

Dolph Lundgren in this movie is your Dirty Harry style renegade cop who gets partnered up with a straight laced preppy Cop(Brian BenBen---from HBO's Dream On) Together they investigate the dead people with a huge hole in their foreheads and come to the obvious conclusion, This is the work of an Alien!!!

There are sub-plots about crooked cops and Dolph's girlfriend but who cares. They are lame and I only want to see Dolph kick someone in the face. Well in this movie he gets to do that very thing.

The biggest problem that I have is, what would posses the people who own the rights to this film change the name to "Dark Angel". It makes no sense what-so-ever. Dark Angel? what ever,
"I come in Peace"
"And you go in pieces asshole."
-quote from Dolph as he blows up the alien at the end of the movie

10 Abraxas: Guardian of the universe (1991)
Holy Crap.

Jesse "The Body/ The Mind" Ventura stars as Abraxas, a ten thousand year old Intergalactic Cop/bounty hunter who is looking for a criminal who wants to achieve limitless power by discovering the "Anti-Life Equation".

So with the help of an "Answer Box" Abraxas comes to earth and finds a woman named Sonia, who is made pregnant by the Evil alien(Through his palms no less) and Abraxas kinda sorta falls for her, kinda. Back to the "Answer Box" though. this is a device that annoyingly answers all of Jesse the body's intriguing and deep questions. You know like, "Do you think humans will survive?" Its a computer designed to assist Abraxas in his missions, but it's just lame. If you've ever seen this movie them you know what I mean.

Now the evil alien Secundus(above) thinks that making an Earth woman pregnant will give way to a child that can give him the "anti-life equation".The movie makes no sense what so ever so I am going to give up trying to explain it now. I mean the fight scenes have light rock/jazz music playing in the background. Really kills the mood. Jesse the body was obviously desperate for work when he agreed to make this suck fest but, alas, I must admit I enjoyed this film, when I was drunk.

9 Street Fighter (1994)
"This money isn't worth the paper it's printed on!"
"On the contrary, every Bison Dollar will be worth five British Pounds. That is the exchange rate the Bank of England will set, once I've kidnapped their queen."
-actual quote from the film

Now granted, Jean-Claude is not known for his acting. You go to his movies expecting some awesome ass-kicking and funny one-liners(Black Silk Underwear). But when the fighting is few and far between only the story and acting of the movie can be noticed you expect it to be good. Instead you get Street Fighter. No one in this movie did anywhere near a good job of acting what-so-ever. I think that the studio was more worried about making sure all the characters were in the movie(which some where not) than actually making a good film.

Dhalsim is a scientist with no arm stretching abilities, or even fighting abilities, who develops a human muscle enhancement procedure for General Bison, the project also creates Blanka in a tube with little TV's over Blanka's eyes showing him evil images to make him a killer. General Bison(Raul Julia) Controls Shadowloo or Shadowlaw or something, a country hell bent on world domination. And with the acquisition of numerous hostages Bison is inspired to make his final play for this domination. The only thing stopping him is Guile(Jean-Claude) and his fake American Flag tattoo he has on his arm.

Don’t forget about Zangeif who apparently was Bison's bodyguard and was stupid and I just never realized it before. Chun-Li is actually a reporter and Balrog and E. Honda are her camera crew. E. Honda is also not a Japanese Sumo wrestler like those people at Capcom would have you believe but actually just a fat Samoan guy who loves his Hawaiian shirts. God, oh and Sagat is actually a native American in a jail with Vega who is apparently gay. Ryu and Ken are also criminals, who knew?!!?!?

I understand that movies can never ever be true to the original medium it takes it's story from but this movie is just a joke to anyone who even slightly enjoyed the games. What’s even worse is that this is a movie adaption of a video game that later had a video game adaption of it, featuring real motion video of the actors in the movie.

Oh I almost forgot, Bison's suit has the ability to resuscitate him. Yeah Guile actually kills him near the end of the movie but the outfit gave him C.P.R. and gave him an in jection of some kind. And Bison can fly, cause his boots can float or something. This move is truly awesomely bad and I could go on and on about how this is true but I have more movies to talk about so lets move on.

8 Tromeo and Juliet (1996 and 1997- because it was released twice)

Ok now I would say that this is an adaption of Romeo and Juliet but this movie is from our friends at Troma so it's just a little twisted. Gruesome deaths and a people turning into cows?!??!?!? This movie is very different. Tromeo has a Bronx accent, hangs out at the local piercing salon, and enjoys "Loving Himself" to a CD-ROM featuring a buxom blond who yells "I love you!" over and over. Julie has nightmares about monster phalluses, makes love to her lesbian house cook (who sports fake S&M tattoos and piercings), and frequently wakes in bed with her drunken father leaning over her wearing only y-fronts.

The story is a tale of star-crossed lovers just not your normal one in fact what really shows that this movie has no taste what so ever is that it turns out that Tromeo and Juliet are brother and sister. Oh and Juliet’s dad locks her up in a plexiglass cage. And everyone has the mouth of a drunken sailor. Yeah other than that it's just like Shakespeare himself directed this movie. Did I mention the whole mutating into a cow part?

7 Robot Jox (1990)

In the future, after the ravages of WWIII, Valuable natural resources are scarcer than ever. Resources are so limited that a planetary gambling system has been created. Countries/Republics put a giant robot Mech into battle with another mech from a different republic. I mean it makes total sense, were low on gas so lets waste a bunch on giant robots to fight meaninglessly. you know instead of trying to make renewable sources of energy.

The story follows our Hero Achilles, a fighter about to enter his tenth and final fight. he meets and instantly wants to get with a genetically engineered woman "Jock"- Athena, who will soon replace him. Achilles' battle is with a Russian named Alexander. The whole movie when Alexander enters a room or appears on a TV screen he usually yells, "Achilles" and it makes me laugh every time. Even to this day the scene when Achilles is drunk at the Bar and the door opens with Alexander on the other side and he yells, "Achilles" will make me roll with laughter. Such bad acting.

Now in this battle Achilles gets hit with a fist projectile causing him to fall backwards in his giant robot onto a crowd of spectators. The fight is called a draw but Achilles is traumatized by this and he doesn't want to fight any more. Until Athena is chosen to fight Alexander, Then he'll do it. The movie has a bad plot but is cleaver in spots. I guess this is an 80's flick that got released too late. Some places and people say it was released in 1989 but I saw this movie in theaters in 1990, and at the drive-in too.

yes that is Jeffery Combs(the Re-Animator), and yes this movie sucks.

6 Double Dragon (1993)

This might be the worse movie adaptation of a video game ever. I didn't know Scott Wolf had any Martial Arts skills at all(you know...Bow Staff skills, Nunchaku skills, skills. GOSH, IDIOTS)

the story begins a long time ago in Ancient China, where a warlord possesses a mystical medallion that is so powerful he has to split it in two. He gives one half, with power over the body, to one son, and the other half, with power over the soul, to his second son.

The story then flash forwards to the year 2007, in "New Angeles," formerly Los Angeles, after a big earthquake, where the police rule only by day, and punk gangs take over after the 6:00PM curfew. This makes sense that the police would not patrol during the night, or that the national guard wouldn't be called in to help. No it's more than likely that the US government would just let gangs rule the streets.

One man, Koga Shou(Robert Patrick) is the leader of one such gang and wants to rule the city. In order to do so he must have both halves of the infamous and deadly medallion, but he only has one, and he will stop at nothing to retrieve the other one. With the help of the medallion and some cheesy special effects he will rule. That is, Unless Mark Dacascos and Scott Wolf can stop him!!!

Billy and Jimmy are orphans raised in the way of Martial Arts by a man named Satori. They survive the ravages of New Angles by keeping their wits about them and kicking some ass. They posses the other half of the medallion and will defend it to the death!!! This movie is incredibly cheesy and predictable. Not to mention how absolutely silly Robert Patrick looks in this movie. And how did Alyssa Milano get dragged into this?

5 Night Hunter(1996)

Gotta give it up for my main man, Don "The Dragon" Wilson. The legend behind such films as Future Kick, Out For Blood, Lion Strike, Blood Fist I - VIII, Virtual Combat, and Cyber Tracker 2 comes at you with Night Hunter.
Now I'm sure you know all the rules when it comes to vampires like, sunlight kills you, stake in the heart, sleeping in coffins, etc etc etc. Well Don "The Dragon" Wilson takes those rules and drop kicks them in the face in Night Hunter. All The Dragon has to do is break the necks of these vampires and its all over for them.

Cutter(Wilson) was orphaned as a young child when his father betrayed the vampire hunter's code. Cutter grows up to become a Vampire Hunter. He takes it upon himself to kill all the vampires. Years later he thinks the task is almost finished, after breaking up a dinner party and snapping the necks of every undead present all the names in his book are crossed off. Somehow the person who entered the names in the book forgot to include the king vamp though so he is not sure.

In the end it's a race against time as the night hunter attempts to save his girlfriend and kill the remaining vampires, all of which have shacked up in an abandoned building apparently. So don't forget, if you ever encounter a vampire, call Don "The Dragon" Wilson, not the cops.

4 Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)

Now Highlander was a great film with a cool villain and a great story, and who can beat Queen's soundtrack to the film. Awesomely 80s. But the 80s passed and the 90s came giving us Highlander II: The Quickening. This movie tried to explain not only what happens to Connor MacCleoud after winning "The Prize", but also tries to explain where the immortals came from.

Turns out the immortals come from a planet named Zeist, which has some kind of civil war going on. Ramirez(Sean Connery) and MacCleoud(Lambert) are partners in the rebellion on Zeist. Captured, they are sent to Earth by General Katana(Michael Ironside) to compete in the game of immortals. There can be only one and the winner can return to Zeist or stay on Earth.

Funny how no one even remembers the planet Zeist in the first movie and they forget about it in all the following films, so why would they want to return to a desert planet they don't even remember? Oh I almost forgot that MacCleoud's wife dies in 1999 from skin cancer or something so Connor creates an artificial O-Zone layer that looks like a laser light show you would watch at your local planetarium.

So with no more sunlight anymore, MacCleoud grows old and lonely, and increasingly despised by people in the eternal night of life.

For some reason on Ziest Katana sends two stupid looking bird men to kill MacCleoud, but after he kills one of them he becomes young and immortal again. And he yells real loud and Sean Connery comes back to Earth!!!! That's it, he yells real loud and He appears on Earth. Well there is a sub-plot with Virginia Madsen involving the O-Zone healing itself and there no longer being a need for the shield around the Earth, blah blah blah. Michael Ironside comes to Earth, goes nuts in a subway train and an impending battle takes place between Connor and Katana.

Bottom line is that this is the most forced sequel in history. The fact that they made a sequel to a movie about the last of the immortals is baffling. Why they decided to make them aliens in beyond me, and it's obvious they didn't care about making sense because of how Ramirez comes back to Earth. This movie is a joke on all accounts. Michael Ironside plays a poor clone of the bad guy from the first movie. Seriously it's like they are the exact same character only Katana was given the "Ironside Twist". Bad Movie.....I LOVE IT

3 Return to Frogtown (1992)

A movie that is bad even for "USA Up All Night" standards(Rhonda from Up All Night has a role in this movie as F.U.Z.Z.Y., the computer), Return to Frogtown is the sequel to the Roddy Piper 1987 Masterpiece "Hell Comes to Frogtown". Roddy passed on making the Sequel so they enlisted the acclaimed thespian Robert Z'Dar. You may not know this guy's name but I'm sure his face(chin) looks familiar.

Mr. Z'Dar plays the role of Sam Hell, our hero. and the plot kinda goes something like this: Zar Frogmeister(Evil Frog Lord) puts his plan for world domination into effect by ordering the capture of a Texas Rocket Ranger(seriously they have rocket rangers in Texas).

A commando force of frogpeople takes over a Texas Rocket Ranger armory and then steals an attack vehicle which they call the "frog tank", complete with cannon and heavy machine gun. They then intercept Ranger Jones(Lou Ferrigno) and shoot him down with the .50 cal machine gun.

Sam and Spangle(his woman sorta) are assigned to scout out Frogtown, rescue Jones if he still lives, and discover what the mutants are planning. For some reason Sam and Spangle appear to be total strangers and he hates her for sexist reasons unknown.

You see in the first movie Sam Hell is one of the last fertile men on the planet and with a bomb planted firmly on his man parts, he is required to do what his master tells him to. Women rule the world in this post apocalyptic America and Sam is the slave of a woman named Spangle. They have a wacky adventure and save the day.

Now in this sequel, neither of the actors selected look anything like the original people from the first film but that’s ok, also the plot for this movie has the main characters being Texas Rocket Rangers. In even after the apocalypse and the frog people have taken over at least Texas will still have the Rocket Rangers This movie is bad. This movie is so bad it will make you laugh. I mean come on, Lou Ferrigno turns green and starts bustin people up. Classic

2 Cool as Ice (1991)

Ok so Vanilla Ice made a movie in the height of his fame. You know you've seen this movie. You may have even liked it the first time you saw it in the early 90s. My friends and I watched in in the mid 90s, I'm not saying we liked it but we did see it.

I have to admit before I go any further that from time to time I rent this movie to make myself feel better. If I have a truly bad day, I rent this piece of crap and it makes me laugh. Vanilla Ice is such a tool that I realize that things could always be worse, I could be Vanilla Ice.

You see simply put this movie is foot loose fro the 90s. Johnny Van Owen(Vanilla Ice) comes to a small town on his super cool Yellow crotch rocket and turns their world upside down. Michael Gross plays the concerned father who's daughter is the love interest of Vanilla Ice. He wows her by jumping a fence, landing in front of her riding horse back. Her horse bucks her off and she falls in love.

Ice tries to act so tough in this movie, I felt embarrassed for him. He is always saying, "Yep Yep, down by law". His stupid hat he wears with chrome on it, his jacket with stuff written on it like; "Down by Law" and "Word to ya Motha". His stupid hair style with the over sized flop and lines zigzagging every which way. Lines in his eyebrow(I did this in grade school, I thought it was cool, but I was also eleven). His pants, my god his pants are so stupid. Every single pair of his pants are wildly stupid.

I am not going to try to explain the plot in anymore detail. Needless to say it consists of biker gangs, if you can call them biker gangs, and smooth pick-up lines from Vanilla Ice. He will just show up any place this girl is at and say the lamest stuff ever. I mean any girl would just laugh at Vanilla Ice in this movie, so how do they expect the audience to buy the fact that women find him irresistible? Even Vanilla Ice is embarrassed of this movie. The plot doesn’t matter this is a movie simply to make you feel better about yourself by showing you someone who is worse off than you are. "Yep Yep, Down by Law."

Set back white rappers like ten years you piece of crap

1 The Stupids (1996)
so horrible.....

Directed by John Landis
If you have seen this entire movie in one sitting then I have to give you props. If you like this movie then I have to make fun of you. I have never sat through the whole movie all at once, it takes me a couple of different sittings to finish the movie.

This family I think is caught in a fashion time-warp, because they dress like its 1955 or something. And as far as I can tell the plot surrounding the family with the name "Stupids" involves their trash going missing every week and a person named "Sender"(Return to Sender) who's name appeared on pieces of mail from time to time when Stanley Stupid(Tom Arnold) was working at the post office. Stanley believes "Sender" is stealing their trash every week so he goes on a quest to find the truth.

In his quest he is chased by the army and aliens from outer space. He goes undercover as a tree. He accidentally uncovers a government plot. God I have to stop because the next sentence is " and he saves the world". Now I like the wacky idiot saves the world movie but this one isn't even funny. This movie is painful to watch. His kids look dumb, His Wife isn't funny, and I kept hoping he would get blown up by some Army guy. Worst movie of the 90s by far.

Honorable Mentions:
Time Runner(1992) Mark Hamill travels through time to keep an Alien from becoming president of the world
Arena(1991) A sport, like boxing, has the first human contender in a long time
Six String Samurai(1998) Post apocalyptic future has a guy named Buddy who is a rock n roll musician and a samurai
The Guyver(1991) a kid gets a bio-suit that lets him fight monsters, Mark hamill acts tough through the whole movie
Bleeders (1996) incest and mutant creatures. Rutger Hauer too!!!!
Cemetary Man (1993) a guy lives in a cemetary infested with zombies.
Wing Commander(1999) I cant explain, Matthew lillard and Freddie prinze jr made a terrible movie here
Cyborg 2(1993) Jack Palance randomly gets poetic and philosophical, until he has to kick some ass. Angelina Jolie!!!!
Sleep Stalker(1995) The Sandman will kill you, By boring you to death through this movie.
Day of the Warrior(1996) One of many in the line of Andy Sidaris films. This one is the worst. The main bad guy is a white guy who dresses like a Native American Chief
Oblivion(1994)a weird future wild west movie with aliens and cowboys
Rock n Roll Frankenstein(1998) title explains it all
Ticks(1993)Ami Dolenz!!! and radioactive ticks killing people, like Clint Howard

Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD(1996) a troma movie that has it's hero killing people with chop-sticks
Crash and Burn(1990)post apocalyptic world complete with cyborg who like to kill
Uncle Sam(1996)a vet returns from the dead to kill.
Jack Frost(1996)a killer gets infused with a snow man, and frosty kills a lot of people. Funny Movie
Dick Tracy(1990) I hate Warren Beatty, and I hated this movie worse
The Never Ending Story III(1994) This truly is a never-ending story, maybe it should end now
Puppet Master III(1991) These things are a foot tall just grab them and throw them. Burn them in a fireplace do something!!!! So stupid
TC 2000- yet another post apocalyptic wasteland movie complete with cyborg. But this one has Billy Blanks(Tae-Bo) and Bolo Yeung

By Dr Science
[email protected]

Yo, VIP, Let's kick it!

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

Dance, Bum rush the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly, when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it, You better gain way
You better hit bull's eye, The kid don't play
If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in, the Vegas are pumpin'
Quick to the point, to the point no faking
I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon
Burning them if they're not quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi hat with a souped up tempo
I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo
Rollin' in my 5.0
With my ragtop down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby, Waving just to say Hi
Did you stop? No -- I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block
That block was dead

Yo -- so I continued to A1A Beachfront Ave.
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous 'cause I'm out geting mine
Shay with a gauge and Vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they're so full of "Eight Ball"
Gunshots ranged out like a bell
I grabbed my nine -- All I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car, slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed
I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene, You know what I mean
They passed me up, confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem, You, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it
My town, that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
'Cause my style's like a chemical spill
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed, This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade, slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast, Other DJs say, "damn"
If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it's time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem, Yo -- I'll solve it!
Check out the hook while Deshay revolves it.

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Yo man -- Let's get out of here! Word to your mother!

Ice Ice Baby Too cold, Ice Ice Baby Too cold Too cold
Ice Ice Baby Too cold Too cold, Ice Ice Baby Too cold Too cold it out, I love this site

to own or rent any of these films go to

but again, try Netflix anyway. It's so awesome, they have everything. from Petey Wheatstraw: The Devils son-in-Law to to Sixteen Candles. Check it out.
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