I'm also kinda weirded out by the kid in the ad. Smug bastard. Still, it's hard to be too
critical of him, when you consider what he's in for--
- "Junior, can you come into the den for a minute?"
- "Sure dad, what's up?"
- "What the hell are these stickers you've been putting up all over my house?"
- "Oh, those. I just thought I could maybe help you quit smoking..."
- "Oh, you just thought? You just
thought? Did you ever just think who pays for these walls that you're putting all these goddamn stickers onto?! Who pays for your food and your little Trans-Bots?!"
- "Well... mom, I guess... she has the job at Sears, and you-"
- BACKHANDED SLAP.
From Marvel Team-Up #147 (Nov 1984)
Here's one from the WTF?! Department. Who the hell would want a t-shirt bearing the logo of the Stuntmen's Association of America? And why is the logo on the back of the t-shirt? Oh God, I hope the logo is on the back of the t-shirt, because if it's not then that means someone actually drew anatomy that screwed up.
From The Defenders #120 (Jun 1983)
Why is "Made In Vermont" a selling point?! You have 25 words to sell as many of these hideous things as possible, and you're talking about its manufacturing location?!
Furthermore, I can't imagine anyone other than die-hard Thor or Philly Flyers fans buying one of these. (And I'm one of 'em-- can you guess which?!)
From Marvel Team-Up #150 (Feb 1985)
I'm going to go out on a limb here (get it?!) and suggest that Return of the Jedi
and the subsequent Ewoks telemovies and cartoon series probably led to a direct rise in the number of kids who wanted tree houses. Hell, I didn't even give a crap about the outdoors until I saw The Battle For Endor
. To this day the smell of pine needles makes me think about Wilford Brimley.
Gotta love the art in this ad, which depicts the tree fort perched precariously about twenty feet up, with no visible method of ascension.
Okay, I'll admit it- some of the ads up to this point haven't been that
weird or funny. But believe me when I tell you, folks, that I've saved the best till last. Behold: the T-Rex T-Shirt!
From ROM: Spaceknight #22 (Sept 1985)
I don't know what I like most about this ad; the fact that these people (Creative Mass Media) seem absolutely convinced that they have come up with the greatest product ever, or that they haven't even bothered to spell Tyranno
You have to love the conversational tone: "Maybe you've built the model...", but even with that seemingly surefire method of acting all buddy-buddy with the consumer, I can't imagine that they would've sold too many of these. Creative Mass Media was simply ahead of its time. If they'd just come out with this eight years later, they surely would've made billions riding the wave of Jurassic Park
fever. Back in 1985, though, I can only conclude that the visionaries behind Creative Mass Media gambled everything on T-Rex, and just like the dinosaurs themselves, lost big time.
Well, that about does it for this article. I'll be doing more of these as I come across amusing ads (and hey, this is a very small selection from a very limited time period. You should see some of the insane ads in 60s comics!), so that's good news if you enjoyed the article. And if you didn't? That hurts, man. That hurts.