N64's Failures

Some of the worst games in the N64 library.
September 25, 2008
The Nintendo 64 was Nintendo's home game console that wrapped up the 90's and brought us into the new millenium. Most people consider it a retro gaming system, but I'm one who doesn't. I still have my N64, and it still works. I also have my old NES and Super NES, which don't work anymore, so I consider them retro.

There were a few games on this system that I actually truly hated, and I'm going to be sharing with you 5 games on the system that I felt were the absolute worst. Now, before I go on, let me clarify something. You guys are probably going to point out that just because I'm ranting about bad video games, that automatically makes me an Angry Video Game Nerd rip off. You'll just say I'm a rip off just because I sound like I'm quoting him. THANK YOU FOR POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS! Just because my words may sound similar to his words does not mean this article is not worthy of being posted.

Well, that's enough of that. I'm going to discuss my picks for the top 5 worst N64 games. If you disagree with my opinions, that's your problem, and if you don't like the fact that I remind you of the AVGN, deal with it!

#5 - Donald Duck Going Quackers
Donald Duck is one of my favorite Disney characters of all time. I remember seeing a commercial about this game, and I thought it looked rather interesting. It's a game about Donald Duck on a mission to save Daisy from Merlock. Sounds cliche, but I was still willing to check it out. I don't know why, but for some odd reason, I was kind of hoping this game was going to be somewhat of a remake of "Quack Shot" on the Sega Genesis; boy, was I stupid! The whole game is all about going through these levels collecting Huey, Dewey and Louie's toys and beating Gladstone's time. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, you're racing against Gladstone in this game (Donald's rival). It was nice to see a lot of characters from "Duck Tales" in this game: Gyro Gearloose, one of the Beagle Boys, and Magica DeSpelle; it was even cooler that they got the original voice actors to voice them as well. The biggest surprise ever was seeing Merlock as the final boss. Not only was this a nice breath of fresh air to see someone besides Pete at the end of a Disney game, but it's a character from "Duck Tales: The Movie", one of Disney's most underrated films! So what's there to rant about? The real problem I have with this game is it's difficulty. The levels are way too easy, and the bosses are ridiculously hard! Heck, I got this game for my birthday, and I beat it the very same day! This game's not really worth the time of anyone. It would have been a nice game to have on the NES, but not the N64.

#4 - Tigger's Honey Hunt
So what can I find wrong with this game? Well, it is based on Winnie the Pooh, but that's not what makes it bad. The whole game is about Tigger bouncing through the Hundred Acre Wood hunting for honey. Okay, why is Tigger hunting for honey in the Hundred Acre Wood? What is he trying to accomplish? Why is it even Tigger? Shouldn't this be Pooh's adventure? Besides, I thought Tiggers didn't like honey! Throughout the game, you'll be hearing Tigger's bounce noises, which get really annoying. In addition, the controls are so stiff that it feels like you have to force everything that you do. I thought this was supposed to be a kids game! Not to mention, there are also points in the game where the camera angle is just terrible. What's even sadder is that this game is still available to be played at my local McDonald's (it replaced what used to be Mariokart 64). How out of date some people can be. So, long story short, don't play this game, even if you are a big fan of Winnie the Pooh, don't bother playing it.

#3 - Mega Man 64
Is this really the sixty-fourth game in the Mega Man series? That's what went through a lot of people's heads when they first saw this game. The reason it's called "Mega Man 64" is because it was part of Nintendo's gimmick of putting "64" at the end of every N64 title. I rented this game once expecting something great since I was a hard core Mega Man fan, but man was I disappointed. This game is basically just a ballatant copy of the Playstation game, "Mega Man Legends". If I remember correctly, the day I rented this game, I played it for less than an hour, and I was so bored with it, I shut the game off and immediately returned it before I can get to any exciting parts (of which this game has none)! You know everything you love about the original Mega Man series and the Mega Man X series? Well, the Legends series has none of that! While Mario and Zelda made successful leaps into 3D, Mega Man didn't. In this game, Mega Man is not wearing his helmet for some reason, and he talks like a gay 12-year-old kid. When you start the game, you get what seems to be a 3D version of a typical Mega Man intro level, but then, you're sent to this mall, and you go outside and get yelled at by a girl hanging on a light pole trying to stay away from a dog. What the hell is this? I want to see Robot Masters, damn it! There's really nothing else to say. This game series is an absolute disgrace to the Mega Man franchise.

#2 - Conker's Bad Fur Day
I can hear the fan boys screaming right now! If you like this game, I respect that, but keep in mind that these are all my opinions. As far as I know, this game got mixed reviews. If you're a gamer as I am, then this game will either be a hit or miss with you. You either love it, or you hate it. I obviously hate it. This game is famous and infamous for it's mature content. Rare was the company that published this game. After playing the "Donkey Kong" and "Banjo Kazooie" games and getting some enjoyment out of them, I thought this game would be fun too, but I was truly surprised to discover that this game was HORRIBLE! From what I understand, Rare was originally planning to make a game called "Conker's Quest", but the developers (or whoever was in charge) decided that the game was too cutesy, which is something Rare has been known to do for their games, so they decided to surprise their audience by juicing up the maturity, and boy did they! I don't mind a little scatological humor in a game every now and then, but this game went way, WAY too far! This is the Queen Mother of all dirty games, and the game still haunts me to this very day. The scatological humor in this game is so intense that not even the creators of "South Park" would approve of it! Believe it or not, this game exists, but I'm sure as heck glad it's not based on anything in reality; there is no way I'd be able to survive in the lair of the Great Mighty Poo! This game came out when the Nintendo 64 was just about ready for retirement, and normally, not all games that come out on a system during its final days are all that good. I am so glad this game isn't coming out on the Wii's Virtual Console! If you don't like toilet humor, then stay away from this game at all costs! If you see it on display anywhere, don't even touch it, let alone look at it! If you love toilet humor, then by all means, check it out, but I'm warning you...you'll wish you didn't.

Alright, so what game do I believe is the absolute worst N64 game of all time?

#1 - Superman 64
Oh, yeah! You knew this was coming! While the game itself is really just called "Superman", most people refer to it as "Superman 64", mainly because it was an N64 title. Many people believe that this game, aside from "E.T." on Atari, is the absolute worst video game ever made. I often wondered what made the game so bad, and now that I've seen the Angry Video Game Nerd's review of it, I'm convinced. Speaking of which, before I go on, let me remind you that everyone who plays this game will run into the same flaws, so accussing me of being an AVGN rip-off is unnecessary at this time. Since the game is about Superman, you would expect it to be a game where you play as Superman flying around saving the world and stuff, but no. It's all about flying through rings! This is the actual game, not the training mode, and I am not making this up! The whole game is all about Superman flying through a series of rings, he can't miss a single one, and there's a time limit, which gives you just barely enough time to finish! On top of that, the controls in this game are the worst controls in video game history! I can't believe how horrendous this game is! It doesn't even qualify as a game! According to what the Nerd says, it's more like an insanity test! I'm going to have to agree with the whole world on this one: this game never should have been made!

Well, this concludes my article. Many of you may not agree with my opinions, and that's fine, but the least I want is some respect towards my opinions. Now, again, let me reiterate that I don't want to hear anymore, "Oh, you're just a stupid Angry Video Game Nerd rip off!" Apparantley, what you're trying to tell me is that the Nerd is the only person allowed to rant about bad video games. Oh no! God forbid we have another video game critic! This is why a lot of people on YouTube are making videos ranting about the Irate Gamer. That's something I like to call "stupid logic".

Remember the commercials that said, "Get N or get out"? Well, those five games I listed are worthy of being told to "get out"! I really don't know what else to say. Surely, there must have been some other bad N64 games that I didn't mention. Are there any that you hated? If so, tell me about them; that way, I'll know what I should avoid. Alright, this concludes my rants. I know, it may not be something that a lot of you guys like to read about, but it's just something I felt like doing as sort of a filler article. It's a tradition of mine to attempt a better article if I make one that fails, so to all you mourning in dissappointment, I promise you a better article in the future. Okay, I'll see you guys later.
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