What do the Power Rangers, Lost and a bag of meat have in common?
By Eek
August 28, 2008
Disclaimer: Due to the response to my first article, I'm going to put this out there now. This article is satire and is not intended to be taken seriously. It contains profanity and other lewd material. If you choose to continue reading, you do so at your own discretion.

At long last, I am proud to present part two of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Super Special Feature +. Right now, on your computer! (The "plus" stands for Germany.) We continue with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers retrospective, already in progress.

What made MMPR so special was that a show like this was virtually unprecedented in the North American market. The notion wasn't new, as we had seen costumed super hero teams and transforming robots in the past, courtesy of Japanese cartoons; but this was different. This was real. Real-ish. It brought all those awesome powers and abilities one step closer to being within our feeble child-grasps.

The concept for Mighty Morphin Power Rangers--as well as a great deal of footage of the Rangers in uniform, the Zord battle scenes, and Rita and her monsters--came from the Japanese T.V. series Dinosaur Squadron Zyuranger.

Now, seriously, what's with all the completely awesome names? "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers"? "Dinosaur Squadron Zyuranger"? This is how all T.V. shows should be named. Fuck "Heroes" and "Lost." They should be called "Holy Crap, Super Guys GO!" and "Oh Shit Oh Shit Where Am I," respectively.

Sawyer loves the new title.

MMPR ran for three epic seasons. During that time, several new characters and elements were introduced: Tommy Oliver (Jason David Frank), after a brief stint of freelancing for Rita as a ne'er-do-well, joined the team as the Green Ranger; primarily due to their superior benefits package (no hypnotic mind-control spells and fewer ass beatings) as well as a chance at some hot Pink Ranger action. Well I have bad news for you, Tommy. She's already got a boyfriend: Me, and we hump like goats. (That means there's a lot of nibbling and bleating.)

Then there was Lord Zedd, who was introduced in season two and proceeded to bust ass for a short while until he made the fateful mistake of marrying Rita Repulsa. But you can't really blame him; the bitch slipped a roofie into his scotch while he was sleeping. Seriously. It was in the show.

Lord Zedd: Meat Sack

It was all downhill for ol' Zedd after that. He started drinking in order to smother Rita's incessant bitching and eventually gave up all effort in defeating the Power Rangers. They'd show up at his moon base looking for a fight and he'd be like, "I can't, guys. Rita's totally on the rag and would flip if she knew I was hanging out with you." Then he'd hear Rita stirring in the distance and be like, "Shit, she's awake! GTFO for reals!"
However, despite these changes, things still remained pretty much the same throughout the entire series. In fact, any episode of MMPR can typically be broken down thusly:

- The Power Rangers (in civilian mode) are all hanging out at their local school/diner/gymnasium. Insert foreshadowing here.
- Bulk and Skull interrupt the group's activities in a desperate cry for attention, to comedic results.
- Evil occurs.
- The Rangers venture forth to save the day, but are eventually overpowered.
- They call upon the assistance of A) an ally, B) a special weapon, C) their Zords, or D) any combination of the preceding.
- Evil is vanquished.

Then they all go for ice cream with a deaf girl. (MMPR 1x05 - Different Drum, if you don't believe me or think I'm prejudiced.)

As you can see, this show can get pretty intense. But don't take my word for it. Listen to what these real people have to say:

"This article is VERY immature"
- Some chick with boobs

"This is an intro paragraph, not an article. More work next time please before posting."
- Guy who thinks he's Batman

"not very well written and I [...] have failed to find anything remotely funny in this article"
- Wes from Taciturn

"When I read this, the words 'lame' and 'pointless' come to mind for some reason..."
- Mom?

Fuck you too, Internet.

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