This is my version of a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book. I used to love these as a kid. I have thought about why as well. As children, we don't have a lot control over our own lives. We are told what to do, where to go, what to eat and so on. Study this, don't do that, say your prayers, tell her you're sorry, don't do that to the cat. It goes on. So what choices do kids really have? What to play, who to hang out with are choices. But what about when you're forced to read? I personally didn't care for it much as a child. Choose Your Own Adventure books solved this problem. Not only were they great action stories in themselves, but they also gave you the power. Maybe I'll use a sword to defeat the dragon, or maybe I want to use poison, it's up to me. Now as adults it seems like we're on the opposite side of the problem. Too many choices. Do I go out with the guys, or pay my electric bill? If I eat another box of cookies I won't be able to eat popcorn for dinner, what should I do? I have taken the liberty to put you into a few scenarios, with choices, but not too many. Go back to being a kid when you were only given a few choices, but happy with that. I really tried to cram as much retro into this as well, so keep an eye out. I had a lot of fun writing this and coming up with ideas. So if you have a chance, go through every option. I purposely mixed up the paragraphs to give the article a page flipping feel. You'll be pleasantly surprised as well. I tried to come up with all sorts of endings. Happy, sad, nostalgic, funny, maybe even a few that will keep you thinking. I really hope you enjoy.Without further ado:
The Saturday Morning Adventure
You awake to the phone ringing. It's 8:30 Saturday morning. You're going to ream a new one for whoever is on the other side of the line because you don't have to work today and you wanted to sleep in. Went out with the guys last night so your Sports Illustrated football phone has rung four times before you get to it. Looking through bloodshot eyes you lift the receiver to your ear and croak, "This better be good a**....." but are luckily cut off hearing "This is your boss, Captain Dickhead. Turns out there was a problem with the schedule, we need you to come in today." You........
Go to work- go to picture of the Gas Station
Stay home- go to picture of the Car Bed
The next several hours go by in a dream-like blur. You remember talking to Captain America on how to get nasty blood stains out of tights and how to lower your score in disc golf. Then you are locked in a water tower with some weirdos, but it's not all bad since one of them is cute. After you escape you realize you're starving and get into a lasagna eating competition but lose to a cat. You feel a little queasy now but a nice man wearing a crazy mask offers to give you a ride home. His car turns into a jet though and he takes you far far away. You're not even sure if you're on Earth anymore when the guy drops you off. It was bogus that he didn't take you home but at least he left you a motorcycle before he takes off. You ride for a while and meet up with a gang of biker mice. They say they know a place with mega hot chicks, but they all smoke cigars. At the bar you see the woman from this morning, but now she has three boobs! She takes you home and after lashing your power bands together, has her way with you. Groggy, you wake up on the roof of Toys R Us with a killer headache. You are wearing a Goku outfit clutching a Superman #1 comic book. On it is written, "I had a wonderful night" signed, Jake The Snake.
Always being a fan of shooting and blowing things up, Contra is a natural pick. It's an amazing feeling! Running without ever getting tired, the gun is weightless, and there's constant cool background music. Knowing the game by heart you make it to the second level and use every gun and feel ultimate power in your hands before you are finally killed. You awake in your game chair feeling really dizzy and spacey. Wondering what could have caused this you look and see that both the cereal and soda you had have expired over six months ago and may be toxic. What really happened?
She says thank you for the generic compliment and walks out the door. 'Whatever" you think to yourself. But you are bummed and sulk home with your head sunk down. Not all is lost though. It is because you were walking looking down that you spot something in the snow. It's green, paper, holy crap it's a twenty! The girl now completely forgotten, you grab the money out of the snow and think of how you're going to spend it. You.......
Go to the arcade- go to picture of Arcade Game
Buy an all syrup squishee- go to picture of Squishee Machine
You go to an old box and break out your old 8-bit Nintendo. You figure since you're dusting off old relics you might as well go all out and bust out the Game Genie. It's pretty dusty so you blow in it and start to wipe it off. On the third wipe it gets really hot and starts shooting electricity! You drop it and it poofs into smoke and appears an 8-bit looking man wearing a turban and smoke for legs. "I am the Game Genie" he roars. "I will let you enter any Nintendo game, but once you die in it, you shall return to normal life." This is an amazing opportunity! Better decide on a good game to go in to. After you much thought you decide to enter........
Kirby- go to picture of Kirby
Contra- go to picture of Contra
Once seated you realize this may be the luckiest day of your life since there are still some children's menus and crayons on your table. Your date giggles at you coloring but decides to join in the fun. You're about to make your move when she notices her ex-boyfriend walking towards your table. "Strawberry?" he says. Now knowing her name is Strawberry you want her even more. They look at each other in a lovers gaze and she starts to smile. Her eyes drift down to the growing bulge in his pants and her smile widens. "Yeah honey, I still got yer Big Boy." he states. Apologizing she gets up from the table and leaves hand in hand with that douche. You look down at your once awesome coloring job and tear it up. As you do you can't help but think, "I wasn't even supposed to be there today."
After a quick shower of deodorant and axe spray, you find your work shirt and head out the door. Walking to work you can't help but think, "I'm not even supposed to work today" but are trying to focus on the extra cash. You get to work at 9 and are told you'll need to be there until 1. Not that bad of a shift really. The morning goes by pretty uneventful. Ten minutes until your shift ends a beautiful woman walks in. She is wearing tight jeans and you can see part of a Care Bears shirt under her winter jacket. As she walks by her scent wafts into your nose, Vanilla Fields. Absolutely divine. After picking up some Bottle Caps and Nerds candy, she approaches the counter and gives you a small smile. You........
Compliment her hair- go to picture of A Side Ponytail
Tell her if she comes to your house she can pick between Uncle Buck and The Great Outdoors- go to picture of John Candy
She claps as you say, "How about Chuck E Cheese?" and she races you there. Things get better as you find out that you both like plain cheese pizza. You go together to the soda dispenser and make your own suicide drinks. You personally think she put too much grape in hers to ruin it, but hey, to each their own. Enjoying your soda and eating your pizza you two chat and find out you have a lot in common. You go tit for tat with Simpsons quotes and have a serious discussion on who the coolest X-Man is. There is still the movie and chance to get her to your place so you're ready to go. But she wants to do something fun before you leave. You tell her we could.....
Play Turtles in Time- go to picture of Turtles
Play in the ball pit- to to picture of Ball Pit
At the arcade you take a lap and are disappointed to find out not a single game is cheaper than a dollar. You circle around one more time and are surprised to find an unlit hallway. You walk down to the end and see a lone game. The game is simple, you are the pilot of a spaceship and must destroy all the other ships. Best news, it's only a quarter! After $19.75 you've gotten pretty good at the game and are sure you can beat it. With your last quarter, intuition, and a stroke of luck you beat the game! But then it starts to go all crazy. It flashes and starts rocking on its own. Smoke starts pouring out and you can smell wires frying. For an instant the game goes completely still, then explodes! You crouch and cover just in time and feel a searing quarter whiz by your head. You slowly stand and now see a lone figure hovering in the smoke where the game used to be. The smoke clears. An alien approaches you. He walks closer, slowly raises one arm, then one finger. "You" he says. "You." "Me?" you reply in startled amazement. "You" he says, "just wasted my twenty dollars I lost on this stupid video game. Jerk."
Summoning a tremendous cough and with a little help from your hangover you sound deathly ill into the phone. Your boss sympathizes and hopes you feel better by Monday. Feeling like you've now earned this Saturday you decide to get up and enjoy the day. What to eat? You decide on a bowl of Lucky Charms. You're out of milk but no worries, there's some left over Code Red Mountain Dew that'll do just fine. Finishing breakfast you decide it's time to relax. You........
Play Sega- go to picture of Sega
Play Nintendo- go to picture of Nintendo
It's nearly closing time so there are no kids in the ball pit. You wrestle around with her and are delighted to find out that she knows quite a few wrestling moves. The two of you sink deeper into the pit and out of sight. You start to kiss each other gently. As you massage her back her hand glides down your chest and finds your way to your crotch. "I sure do like balls" she moans into your ear. Then gently guides yours into her pit.
It's been a couple of years and the rollerblades are a bit unsteady, but you're having fun. All of a sudden the dj starts blasting "Fight For Your Right" and you can't help but go full speed. Legs churning, wind blowing by your face, you weave in and out of small kids. You are momentarily transported back to the time when you were a kid and used to do this same thing. You come back to the present with a smile on your face from the flood of memories. One memory comes to you hard and fast . You remember the fact that you never properly learned how to stop, right before you smash into the wall.
Turns out she's a huge John Candy fan and accepts your offer, unbelievable! Your replacement has already come in and gives you a high five as you walk out the door with the hottest chick on the planet. You're making small talk and discussing how good parenting just isn't seen today like in Uncle Buck when both of your tummies start rumbling. You're about to ask her if she'd like some tube steak, but think better of it thank God. "You hungry?" you ask her. Giving another seductive smile she turns to you and purrs, "I could eat". At the crosswalk you see two restaurants you decide to take her to........
Chuck E Cheese- go to picture Chuck E Cheese
Big Boy's- go to picture of Big Boy's
Even though you are now thirty and have no kids, you set out to make the most awesomest fort ever. The snow is perfect for packing and after an hour of wall building, your are fortified in all directions. You have a massive cache of snowballs to hurl at demons and dragons that lurch by. Their phony human and car illusions won't fool you. A good friend must have telepathically sensed that you were having fun and stops by. As he gets out of his car you nail him in the ear with a slush ball. Cursing but smiling, he gives you the finger and then dives behind a tree for cover. As you duck down to miss the barrage of snowballs, you can't help but be thankful of the wonderful life you live.
Kirbyland is really exciting. You live on a cloud and can float and fly wherever you please. Then you meet Kirby. You're not sure if Kirby is a boy or a girl but it can suck like there's no tomorrow! You never die and enjoy eternity with the soft, sucking cloud.
Realizing that 16-bits are better than 8, you opt for the Sega. After playing the coolest game ever, Alteredbeast, you give the Sega a rest. This Saturday isn't all about staying indoors after all. The mega sugar breakfast has wired you up and it's time to burn off some energy. You decide to........
Go to a roller rink- go to picture of Roller Blades
Build a snow fort- go to picture of a Snow Fort
Being the gentleman you are, the lady gets first pick. Thankfully she chose Donatello and not Leo, might have been problems if she choose Leo. After a couple of bucks you two really start getting into the game. At a boss level you are both smashing the buttons at warp speed when she lets out a terrible yelp! "My thumb!" she cries out. In her excitement her thumb found it's way under her palm and got smashed, possibly sprained. You try to play it down and tell her she can ice it at your place. But the mood is gone. She says thanks for the lovely time but will go home now. Heartbroken, you walk home in a terrible mood. The only consolation is that you didn't hurt your thumbs. You're going to need your hands now.