Uncle Si's Wife:
"(to Uncle Si with the television program running) A temperance lecture, that's what you need."
After the credits:
"If you enjoyed "Mr. Mike's Mondo Video" you'll love "Mr. Mike's Gandhi" soon to be a major motion picture directed by Richard Attenborough and starring Ben Kingsley."
"I wouldn't kick Ralph Nader outta bed"
"I'm proud to say I'm an actual genetic mutant."
Cat Swimming School Instuctor:
"Boots here couldn't swim a stroke when she first came, but look at her now."
"Women -- put a bag over their hearts and they're all the same."
"When I reach down and feel a firm colostomy bag, I know I'm with a real man."
"I think it's cute when guys miss the toilet."
"I go the limit for a guy with bad breath. And if he has plaque on his teeth? Wigga! Wigga!"
"When my date blows his nose in his handkerchief and then looks at it, I can't say no."
"If you want to get to first base with me, honey, spit when you talk."
"Blackheads drive me wild."
"Good evening. I'm Mr. Mike, inviting you to come with me into a world where the bizarre is commonplace and the commonplace bizarre. It is an odyssey of agressive wierdness. Whatever raw, savage acts man's hellish brain can concieve, our cameras are these, scouring the globe, seeking out the cheap thrills, the pointless perversities, the shabby secrets, the grotesque, the pathetic...."
"Aberdeen, Scotland. Breeding ground for deviants. One is reminded of an old Scottish proverb: the only difference between a woman and a sheep is you can't make a sweater out of a woman."
"What you are about to see is not for the weak. It is not even for the strong."