Janitor:
"[to Lou Landers] Okay, I come back."
Aunt Lucille Adams:
"Everybody, take your seat. [sighs then Lucille stabs Lou's hand with a pitchfork from grabbing dinner rolls] Uh-ah-ah! Not till we say grace."
Lou Landers:
"[feeling painfully] Jesus!"
All (Rick, Aunt Lucille, Jill, and Lance):
"Amen."
Lou Landers:
"Strom, do you have my test results?"
Dr. Strom:
"Yes, sir. Whatever you're doing to your... victims rejuvenates you, but only for 24 hours."
Lou Landers:
"Hmm. What if I killed 28 people in one session? Would that give me a month to live?"
Dr. Strom:
"If it were February, yes, but only if your cells could absorb that much energy at once, and they can't. I'm afraid you have to kill each day to live each day."
Jill's Mother:
"You're a whore just like your mother."
Rick Riker:
"Who was that?"
Jill Johnson:
"My mother."
Tom Cruise:
"[extended, deleted Tom Cruise scene] Y'know, uh, this "hero", this, uh, this "Dragonfly"... he's not the answer, okay? I'm the answer. I got, uh, I'm just... whew. Y'know, and, uh... heh. I'm... I'm the way to, to happiness. Okay? I'm the way to, I'm the way to peace. I can, I can, uh, I can unite cultures. I can eat... planets. I mean, I can just, um, [snaps fingers; laughs] Dragonfly's not a superhero, okay? [laughs] I am. [laughs; claps] Guy can't even fly, you kiddin'? [laughs; abruptly stop"
Off-screen Interviewer:
"I just wanted to ask you-"
Tom Cruise:
"Stop. Just shut up. Shut up. Hey!"
Off-screen Interviewer:
"There's a rumor about-"
Tom Cruise:
"Hey-"
Off-screen Interviewer:
"That you wanted to-"
Tom Cruise:
"Stop."
Off-screen Interviewer:
"You did claim, however-"
Tom Cruise:
"Stop."
Off-screen Interviewer:
"Okay, but you did say, you agreed to be here, and you said that you would talk about this-"
Tom Cruise:
"Shut. Up. [facing backwards] What is this place? Seriously... why are there no clocks in here? [suddenly asleep]"
Off-screen Interviewer:
"Tom? Tom?"
Tom Cruise:
"[suddenly awake] There was a farm who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-O! YEAH! [laughs] I'm, uh, I'm okay."
Lou Landers:
"[Rick, Aunt Lucille, Jill, Lou and Lance are sitting down for their Thanksgiving dinner; Lou looks at Rick's arm and sees a cut on it] What happened to your arm?"
Rick Riker:
"Uh... A bike messenger knocked me down. I see your wrist is bandaged."
Lou Landers:
"Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee. And you have a cut on your lip."
Rick Riker:
"Uh... My crack pipe broke. You have a scratch on your neck."
Lou Landers:
"Yes, I met a girl on Craig's List. And you have a bruise on your neck."
Rick Riker:
"I met a guy on Craig's List."
Lou Landers:
"I'm sorry Lance, but we have to go."
Lance Landers:
"Why?"
Lou Landers:
"I... shot my pants. [Everyone looks at Lou in total shock]"
Lance Landers:
"I'll drive."
Lou Landers:
"I've never been married."
Jill Johnson:
"[hold up fruitcake] Fruitcake?"
Lou Landers:
"No. Just haven't met the right woman."
Jill's Mother:
"[shouting from a window] You're a whore, just like your mother! [Jill's mother goes back inside]"
Rick Riker:
"Who was that?"
Jill Johnson:
"My mother."
Lance Landers:
"[to Rick] Watch where you're going in slo-mo, dipshit."
Tom Cruise:
"[clapping with each syllable to emphasize his point] Old MacDonald had a farm and Bingo was his name - o."
Lou Landers:
"[Lou Landers plots to steal cerillium from Hawkings' lab] I could just walk right in."
Dr. Strom:
"You're going to steal cerillium?"
Lou Landers:
"No, not me. But perhaps there's someone inside me. Someone who will at any cost... survive! [evil laugh, Lou picks up an hourglass and breaks it] Ow, ow! Glass in my eye! Glass in my eye!"
Uncle Albert:
"And maybe your father shouldn't have given you this afterall, look at the words your ancestors incribed in that ring: honor, valor, sacrifice, duty, commitment, bravery, justice, integerity, brotherhood, self-esteem, low prices, affordable housing, loose fitting pants, cheap internet porn, the rest is in Latin."
Lunatic Editor:
"[Gently carried away] I know the Mayor of Venus! Hamburgers can see the Future!"
Dr. Strom:
"Unless you add some serelium! Then you could create a device powerful enough to draw the lifeforce out of thousands of people and enhance your own cellular capacity!"
Lou Landers:
"Strom, you're a genius!"
Dr. Strom:
"[being modest] Wikipedia."
Rick Riker:
"[to Jill] See, you're not even in my top five!"
King of Sweden:
"Ladies and gentlemen, our first award is for the medical breakthrough of the year. For his company's pioneering work in the field of feminine hygiene, I award Lou Landers douche bag of the year."
Priest:
"We are gathered today to say goodbye to Lucille Adams."
Mourners:
"Goodbye!"
Hourglass (Lou Landers):
"[last words before death] Oh fuck."
Uncle Albert:
"God, Lucille! How could you take her away from me! I can't live without her! Lucille! Snookie lumps!"
Undertaker:
"I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. This is your wife."
Uncle Albert:
"[sees Lucille in other casket] Ah!"
Undertaker:
"She is this man's wife."
Uncle Albert:
"Give me five minutes."
Rick Riker:
"[during a prolonged conversation with Jill while plummeting from a rooftop] This is a really tall building."
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