M*A*S*H Quotes
Frank: "Men detest me, don't they?"
Radar: "Oh, no, sir."
Frank: "Come on, you can be honest. They hate me, don't they?"
Radar: "Just your guts, sir."
Frank: "Well, this is for their own good. They don't have to like me."
Radar: "I'm sure they'll be happy to hear that, Major."
Frank: "Don't stand here talking to me. Go to sleep!"
Radar: "I can do both at the same time."
Frank (angered): "Good night, Corporal."
Radar (scurrying off): "Good night, uh, sir."
Frank: "Major Houlihan! This really cuts me to the quick!"
Hawkeye (drunk): "Oh, that's quite alright. His quick could use some cutting."
Hawkeye: "You take eleven stringbeans, an onion, half a radish, and four banamas."

Trapper: "You mix it all up and you let it soak for fourteen weeks."

Hawkeye: "Days."

Trapper: "Days."

Margaret: "Maybe you should write this down."

Hawkeye: "Then you look around and you find the tallest tree. Then you hang the stuff in an emena bag. And you leave it there for seven weeks."

Trapper: "Days."

Hawkeye: "Right."
Hawkeye: "You've got 'Field & Stream' mixed in with my 'Joys of Nudity.'"

Trapper: "Big deal."

Hawkeye: "I'd rather see a naked girl than a canoe built in a dentist's garage."

Trapper: "Always a shot, always a needle. Mr. Glib. Never at a loss for words."

Hawkeye: "Run up an alley and holler a fish."

Trapper: "Clever. Very clever." (cuts himself shaving)

Hawkeye: "'Field & Stream?' How do you read this stuff?"

Trapper: "Hey, I'm so bored over here, I'm re-reading my draft notices."

Hawkeye: "'How to Wrap a Grizzly Bear for Mailing.'" (throws it on the ground) "'Popular Mechanics?'"

Trapper: "Save that. I'm learning how to make a lamp out of a lawnmower."
Trapper: "You know somethin'? You're a slob. A slob. A real slob!"

Hawkeye: "I'm a slob?"

Trapper: "Yeah."

Hawkeye: "Whose toenails are always under my bed with nobody in 'em?"

Trapper: "They jump when I cut 'em."

Hawkeye: "Point your feet out the door."
Frank: "Have you ever given a lecture about temperance, Father? About the evils of drink?"

Father Mulcahy: "Uh, no. On the troop ship, I was once asked to do one about the sex thing."

Frank: "Oh, good."

Father Mulcahy: "Being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They brought in a Protestant. He had a film about two sailors. One was from Cleveland ostensibly, the other a small rural area. The city boy stayed on the ship and wrote his high-school sweetheart. A lovely young girl with a megaphone on her chest."

Frank: "Father, this is a bit different."

Father Mulcahy: "The country boy lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and a man with a whip."

Frank: "Father?"

Father Mulcahy: "Broke his wristwatch and everything."
Margaret: "Frank, what a turnout."

Frank: "Lemmings must be directed to the sea."

Margaret: "You're magical with a phrase."

Frank: "Winston Churchill once said, 'Men could move mountains with words.'"

Margaret: "His mother was American, you know."

Frank: "So was mine."
(to Hawkeye): "You stop talking about her..."
(to Margaret): "you stop hating her..."
(to Father Mulcahy): "and you stop DATING her!!!!"
- Colonel Potter
"Go mail a bear."
- Hawkeye
"Please don't rise."
- Father Mulcahy
PA System: "Attention! Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today."
Hawkeye: "I will not carry a gun... I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will NOT carry a gun!"
Margaret: "That is so beneath me!"
Hawkeye: "I was hoping for that position myself."
Frank: "I'm here to relieve you."
Hawkeye: "You do resemble an enema."
Father Mulcahy: "When the doctors cut into a patient, and it's cold, you know...the way it is now, today,... steam rises from the body... and the doctor will... (hesitates) ...will warm himself over the open wound. Could anyone look on that and not feel changed?"
BJ: "I did three amputations before I had my first breakfast here."
Interviewer: "Do you see anything good coming out of this?"
Potter: "Not a damn thing."
Interviewer: "Is there anything from home that you brought over with you to set up for yourself? Creature comforts?"
Hawkeye: "I brought a book over."
Interviewer: "What book?"
Hawkeye: "The dictionary. I figure it's got all the other books in it. I like to read the dictionary."
Hawkeye: (presenting new nurses with a care package) ..and shampoo.
BJ: (interrupting) Because we couldn't find any real poo.
Winchester: I'm so conservative I make you look like a "New Dealer".

(Speaking to the investigator alleging Houlihan's communist ties)