You may be a Retro-Douche if..

Top Ten Signs that you are a Retro-Douche
July 14, 2009
I do not want to offend anyone but I think I just might. The reason for this article is quite simple. This is an article dedicated to the stereotypical douchebags of the 80s and 90s. We all had em. They were in our class, at our camp, on our team, and now they are in our offices. Some of you were those douchebags. Some of you are still those douchebags. In fact you are now a Retro-Douche. Because we are all kids at heart and some kids are well....douchebags.

Top 10 Signs You are a Retro-Douche

# 10

Overly Consumed with Pokemon

Pokemon was not all that bad. I would frequently play my little brother's red version on his Gameboy Color. I even played Pokemon Snap for N-64 when my bro got it for Christmas. But both my brother and I knew Pokemon was social suicide. Nobody wanted to sit at that table where all the Pokemon kids sat and traded cards.

These were the guys that owned the red version, blue version, gold version, and the silver version. There are probably versions I have not even heard of. But these kids had all of em. You knew what these chaps were carrying in their cargo pockets; a Gameboy with some weird colored version and a case protected Pokemon card. These kids traveled in packs down the halls at school; not even looking where they were walking while trading and comparing cards. I always wanted to Spear one of this little pukes Goldberg style and watch his precious cards fly in the air and scatter all over of the hall.

I remember when I was playing U-13 Rec Soccer. This one poor sap showed up to practice wearing a blue Pokemon shirt. We haggled this poor little kid the whole practice with intelligent taglines like " Pokemon is for fags" and " Pokemon is for Pussys". I never saw that shirt again. O'Doyle Rules!

# 9

The Skater Poser

These kids were everywhere in middle school. They wore AirWalk Shoes and Birdhouse shirts to school. I will admit that the design on the shirts were pretty cool but these kids had no business wearing them. They did not skateboard and everyone knew it. Some other brands these losers wore were Spitfire and Element. Do not get me wrong I had nothing against Skaterboarders. But if you wore a sweet looking Spitfire shirt to school you had better be able to do at least an ollie.

You better back up this $17.99 piece of cloth

Oh yea and remember how skaters always passed out those stickers that said "Skateboarding is not a Crime"? Well actually it is a crime dickweed; if you are trespassing on private property.

# 8

People who mimicked Jim Carrey

Me: "Lets go play some Twisted Metal on your PlayStation."


Me:"Dude shut up. I saw Ace Ventura. I laughed this first time and now it is just annoying."


Me: "Yes Really. You are freaking annoying and I am going to call my mom to come pick me up if you don't stop."

Annoying Friend: "Your mom?! SMMMOKIN!!"

Me: "Dude I saw The Mask. YOU ARE NOT JIM CARREY SHUT UP!"

Annoying Friend: "Sorry man, lets go see if my mom will make us a snack."

Me: ( Thinking about saying "Lets put another shrimp on the barby" but instead controlling my inner douche and replying..) "Yea lets see if she will make us some bagel bites.

It was funny this first time! ENOUGH!

# 7

Kids with Laser Pointers

Laser pointers were legit. No complaints with this marvelous device whatsoever. I always fancied one but never had the means to go out and purchase one. The real problem with laser pointers is that they were owned by Surge drinking little punks. These little douchehounds thought it was such a riot to shine their laser pointers. The worst is when they would shine it right in your eye. I mean how is that funny?

I especially hated it when you started to hear snickers and laughs while you were writing a homework problem on the board for the teacher. You just knew that joker was having his way with you.

Laugh it up fanboy

# 6


So let me get this straight. In order to be different and nonconformist you dress like every other goth freak out there. What is that you are wearing? A Marilyn Manson shirt! So that means tomorrow you are going to wear your Korn shirt and then the day after that perhaps your Rob Zombie shirt. So unpredictable. How painted your fingernails! Wait.. oh my god did you paint them black! Carpe diem my friend! Way to grab life by the balls! You are truly on the edge with your pierced tongue and dyed black hair by the way. Inhale that cigarette dark one. You are different and people fear you.

Hot Topic appreciates your business

# 5

Chain Wallets

This item screamed street credit. Only the most hardened and stone cold individuals sported these babies. Along with the skinny, bowl cutted, JNCO- wearing, white kid. It is awfully dangerous walking around the mall at 3:00 in the afternoon. I have heard it gets pretty rough over there by Sbarro Pizza. You also can never be too careful over there by Regal Cinema. Those tweens standing around outside only want one thing. YOUR WALLET! How else are they going to pay for that $45 dollar Abrecrombie t-shirt?

No thug or thief on Earth would dare attempt steal a wallet attached to a chain. It is an impossible feat and no man has ever successfully stolen a chain wallet. Well maybe if the guy had a gun or a knife or was just bigger than you.

# 4

]Rat Tail

Nobody liked this kid. I mean nobody. His only friend was his rat tail. Together they destroyed sand castles and hocked loogies on the slide. It seems like that kid with the rat tail was always in trouble or starting fights. He would often take things that were not his like he was entitled because of his rat tail. I also have a vague memory of these kids having an earring in one ear. As if they were not already an outcast.

The biggest fight of elementary school was in 3rd grade between a kid named Corey and Johnny. Corey had this long, black rat tail that he wore with pride. In Art class he sat with me, Johnny, and two other kids. One day while we were cutting and pasting some crap for class Johnny picked up the scissors and snipped off Corey's rat tail while his back was turned. Corey immediately saw what had happened and burst out into tears and threw a pair of scissors at Johnny. Well that was the only part that the teacher saw so she flipped out and grabbed Corey by the arm and walked him to the office.

Good Guys-1 Rat Tail-0

# 3

Frosted tips/ bleached hair

For those of you that do not know what frosted tips are it is when a guy bleaches the tips of his bangs blonde. This became popular in the late 90's during the emergence of boy bands. Many guys started to dye their hair and use hair gel to coincide with the hairstyles of Justin Timberlake and other boy band members. I was not necessarily against frosted tips as much as I was against boy bands. There was a wide feeling of angst towards these bands in the male community. I can not quite describe it or put my finger on it but I know I could not stand these guys. So anyone that tried to look like them was immediately placed in the pool of wanna-be toolbags.

NSUCK is more like it

# 2

Sagging Pants/Showing Boxers

This fad still plagues some segments of our society today. I am actually seeing this trend go in reverse towards skin tight jeans worn by the emo kids. In some ways this is worse but I digress. The guys that sagged their pants low were making a fashion statement. From the bagginess of their jeans to the brand of their boxers. Joe Boxer reigned supreme for a while with this trend. This trend transcended race. You would see just as many white kids sagging their pants ridiculously low as black kids. This trend was largely scoffed by teachers and the elderly. I was fortunate enough to have parents that would not allow such behavior. I always sagged my pants a little bit for extra breathing room but nothing rash.


# 1

White guys wearing FUBU

White Guy wearing FUBU < Aids

White Guy wearing FUBU < Plucking nose hairs

White Guy wearing FUBU < 1993 Purple Nissan Sentra

White Guy wearing FUBU < Making out with your grandma while she is eating cottage cheese

White Guy Wearing FUBU< Paper cut on your eyelid

White Guy Wearing FUBU< Sitting down on the toilet seat at a 711 gas station

White Guy Wearing FUBU< Any of the sequels to the Land Before Time

White Guy Wearing FUBU< Kids Incorporated Reunion Tour

White Guy Wearing FUBU < 1994 MLB strike

White Guy Wearing FUBU> School not getting canceled for snow

White Guy Wearing FUBU< Losing shotgun by playing paper, rock, scissors

White Guy Wearing FUBU=Rude comments in response to a Retro Junk article

What else do I need to say? If you wore FUBU and you are not African American take a hike. Eat my shorts. Take your pick. You exemplify everything that is a douche. With your FUBU jersey and sideways FUBU hat. Then you top that off with some yellow rimmed shades and some FUBU sneakers. Can I ask you a question? Why do you wear sweat bands? Are you running a douche marathon or something.

Well that concludes this chapter of you might be a Retro-Douche if... Feel free to comment on whatever is on your mind. I would like to see some White Guy Wearing FUBU >_________ action. Lets see what you can come up with. I will not tolerate however You're Article < __________________. Don't be a douche. Seriously.
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