The Rocklords

The only thing about the Gobots line that I was disappointed in.
December 14, 2006
Gobots Battle of the Rocklords made its way into theatres in 1986. Even though it was based loosely on the Gobots it was about the only thing that was a humongous disappointment to me. Let me tell you that this movie wasn't one that I was too interested in. Why was this movie done in the first place? Was it because Tonka was running a little bit low on ideas for new products or because they needed a new product and didn't quite know how to advertise it? In this article I hope to explore some of this and more.

The Plot.

And what a rediculous plot we have in this movie. We have a mad Rocklord named Magmar who is busy conquering the dessolate planet of Quartex one sector at a time. Once Magmar had conquered an area of Quartex he killed the leader of each area by putting them in a device called the tumbler and attaching their magic septres in a device that makes the tumbler spin around making for a horrible and agonizing death for the leaders of each area. You may ask yourself over and over again what the hell kind of thing is that to put forth to a child? Wait there's more idiocy to come. Each of the magic septres when combined make a sort of doom's day weapon. In the first to second scene in the movie we see that Magmar has conquered another area of Quartex and killed that area's leader by way of the tumbler. The only septres that Magmar doesn't have are those septres that belong to Solitaire, the leader of the Jewellords, and Boulder, the leader of the Rocklords. Magmar knows that without Solitaire and Boulder's septres he cannot activate the doom's day weapon. Boulder knows that they have to act to stop Magmar from conquering the whole of Quartex before he finds the rest of the freedom fighters and wipes them out.

The septres of all of Quartex's leaders are thrown together into a powerful weapon. Sticks and Stones are rock handling Solitaire to keep her from foiling Magmar's plans.

Solitaire finally leaves Quartex to find help and finds her way to Gobotron where the Guardians are busy rebuilding their city. Scooter, Zeemon, and Heatseaker pick up Solitaire's space craft on their scanners and Scooter reports it as a "meteor that seems to have its own jet propulsion system." Solitaire's craft makes it to the middle of the city and the city shake very violently and some of the Guardian's city begins to fall apart.

Afterwhich Solitaire explains that the purpose of her visit to Gobotron was to find someone who could help her and her friends protect her home world of Quartex from litterally being annihilated by a mad Rocklord named Magmar. Each of the leaders of each sector of Quartex has a septre and with that septre Magmar aims to release a doom's day weapon with the power to wipe out any and all remaining Rocklords.

When Cy-Kill gets word of Magmar's plot he captures Solitaire and and Small Foot and brings Solitaire and her healing septre back to Magmar and almost certain death by the tumbler. But Leader-1 and the Guardians vow to help the Rocklord Freedom Fighters defeat Magmar and make sure that he doesn't come back.

The Rocklord Freedom Fighters

Disappointment #1: Now here's the kicker. The heros and the villians are named for the rocks and gems that they're named after. Of course you don't have to use your imagination to know why the Rocklords are named for a specific stone or gem. Some of the Rocklords have their names spelled hypenated or incorrectly.

Boulder (Voiced by Michael Nouri)

Boulder is the leader of the Rocklord freedom fighters. He gathered up the other sectors of Cordax that have not been conquered to fight against Magmar and the Rocklord Rebelion. He is the only thing that stands between Magmar and the conquest of Qyartex His septre grows weaker as Magmar's power grows stronger. His septre acts as a stun gun.

Solitaire (Voiced by Margot Kidder)

Solitaire is the leader of the Jewellords. Her septre is one of the second to last septres that Magmar has captured and has the ability to heal. She's a spacy lady who spends over half of the movie explaining how her home planet of Quartex is being conquered and her people slaughtered by a mad Rocklord named Magmar.

Nuggit (Voiced by Roddy McDowell)

Nuggit is a robot and the smallest of the Rocklord freedom fighters but what he lacks in size he more than makes up for in determination. His septre has three barrels, the first barrel parylizes his enemies, the second barrel hypnotizes the enemy, and then he can reel in and interrorgate his victims with the third barrel.

Marbles (Voiced by Daryl Hickman)

Marbles is a medium, physic, who senses that Solitare is on board the Renegade ship that's shooting at the freedom fighters. Marbles is left embarrassed when Boulder explains to Leader-1 why he wouldn't use his septre.

Granite (Voiced by Michael Bell)

Granite is a gentle giant but in the thick of the fight he can be a fearsome opponent. His T-Gun shoots bullets that send the enemy running for cover.

Pulver-Eyes (PUL-VER-IZE) (Voiced by Frank Welker)

As his name implies Pulver-Eyes is resourceful and strong but has a repuation for snacking on rocks.. He has a quick temper but easily forgives and forgets. His septre acts as a pair of handcuffs to reel the enemy in.

Crackpot (Voiced by Phillip L Clarke)

Crackpot is a joker and loves to laugh. The other freedom fighters give him a hard time about his crazy notions. His septre acts as a magnetic pulse ray which magnetizes enemies turning them into magnetic heaps.

Narliephant (Voiced by Frank Welker)

In the movie Narliephant is a cross between an elephant and a rock. Through out the movie he is seen eating some of Pulver-Eyes's leftovers. He seems to have developed a special relationship with Scooter.

The Rocklord Rebels.

The Rocklord baddies see another leader of a sector of Quartex killed in the tumbler.

The rebels are aiding Magmar in his quest for the conquest of Quartex.

Magmar (Voiced by Telly Savalas)

Magmar is the fearsome leader of the Rocklord Rebels. Magmar has only one goal: power and the complete and total annihilation of the Rocklords of Planet Cordax He does this by conquering Cordax a sector at a time. Once the area Magmar is in has been conquered he takes the septre of the leader of those areas that he has conquered and throws that leader into the tumbler. The tumbler is activated when the conquered leader's septre is inserted into the doom's day weapon.

Sticks N Stones (Voiced by Frank Welker and Peter Cullen)

Two heads are way worse than one and Sticks N Stones are living proof of that. They constantly fight with each other. Their septres are a club and a mace.

Tombstone (Voiced by Peter Cullen)

Tombstone lives for one thing and that's to fight along with Magmar in the Rocklord Rebelion. He wants to destroy any and all good Rocklords and wants to destroy them. His scythe will plough through the good Rocklords that he hates.

Slimestone (Voiced by Michael Bell)
Slimestone likes to bathe in hot oil and his slime cannon shoots a gooey substance that is nearly impossible to get off.

Fossil Lord (Voiced by Foster Brooks)

In the movie the Fossil Lord warns Magmar that Cy-Kill is untrustworthy. But Magmar is haviing none of it.

Stoneheart (Voiced by Foster Brooks)

Stoneheart is the biggest and the cruelest of the Rock Lord Rebels who lives only for the thrill of the fight.

The Gobots

Well, the movie just wouldn't be called "Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords" without the Gobots now would it? This is probably the only part of the movie that didn't disapoint me.

The Guardians

Leader-1 (Voiced by Lou Richards)

The valiant leader of the Guardian forces Leader-1 and his troops vow to help the Rock Lord Freedom Fighters stop Magmar's conquest of Cordax.

Turbo (Voiced by Arthur Burghardt)

Turbo is a rough and tumble old bot and one of Leader-1's most trusted soliders. He never backs down from a battle even when the going gets tough.

Small Foot (Voiced by B.J. Ward)

A rowdy tom boy with a heart of gold. Small Foot is willing to do whatever the boys are doing even if the end result is trouble.

Scooter (Voiced by Frank Welker)

Scooter is another one of Leader-1's most trusted soliders. He can often times be nervous and neurotic but he gets the job done.

Heat Seeker (Voiced by Kirby Ward)

Heat Seeker is one of the first Gobots to come into contact with Solitaire.

Zeemon (Voiced by Frank Welker)

One of thhe Guardian elders Zeemon issues a high threat alert when Solitaire's space craft is in Gobotron air space.

The Renegades

Cy-Kill (Voiced by Bernard Erdhart)

The twisted leader of the Renegade forces Cy-Kill has never abandoned his goal of galatic conquest but when he hears Solitaire explaining Magmar's plans to conquer all of Quartex he captures Solitaire, Nick, A.J., and Small Foot and brings them back to Quartex and certain doom.

Crasher (Voiced by Marilyn Lightstone)

Crasher has a wicked cackle and a temper to match. There is nothing that she likes more than to destroy the Guardians in battle.

Cop-Tur (Voiced by Arthur Burghardt)

Cop-Tur is another one of the Renegade forces that's a tough match to beat especially since he can use his top roater as a katana blade to reflect enemy attacks.

Fitor (Voiced by Kelly Ward)

Fitor was one of Cy-Kill's most trusted friends. Even when Cy-Kill switched sides he and Fitor always remained close.

The "DUH DUH DUH" Moments of This Movie.

Now you might be wondering why this movie was so disappointing to me so these are the top three "DUH DUH DUH!" Moments of Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords. Oooh lawdy does this movie ever have some DUH DUH DUH Moments in it. Bad, poorly timed, or otherwise lame @$$ lines only add to my disapointment.

DUH Moment #3.

When Cy-Kill steals Magmar's shiny new weapon and tries to use it on Leader-1. Finding that the Guardian leader won't stay down leads up to this line. "That Gobot has more lives than a cat." Well this just begs the questions: what the hell made Cy-Kill think that such a weapon would even work on Leader-1 in the first place and secondly why did Magmar even allow Cy-Kill to take that Rock Lord weapon in the first place? How stupid do you have to be before you start to realize that a Rock Lord weapon won't work on a Gobot? Cy-Kill's idea that this weapon would work on Leader-1 just personafies the word "idiocy" people.

DUH Moment #2

When the Fossil Lord warns Magmar that teaming up with Cy-Kill and the Renegades will spell trouble Magmar says "Quiet old man or Sticks and Stones will break your bones." Funny thing. I'm not sure if Rock Lords even have bones.

And the #1 DUH Moment of Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords is.....

When Boulder finally uses his septre. Leader-1 is impressed by Boulder's septre's power and it makes him wonder why he hadn't used it until that point where his fellow freedom fighters were in trouble. "Because as Magmar's power grows stronger my septre's power grows weaker. I was waiting for the right moment to use it. I couldn't let my friends perrish." Aaah a schmaltzy moment that ruins an otherwise mindless fight. Where are the characters anyways? The planet Quartex or the planet Cornball?

Well, the disapointment level for this movie is very high. I wasn't sure if I was going to get through all of the greivances that made this movie so bad. But you have to remember that this is a CHILDREN'S MOVIE and as such they have to aim for a level that little kids can understand. In spite of all the idiocy and disapointments it's still that. A disapointment. At least to me it's a huge disapointment. I just don't know if I would have responded a lot better to a Gobots origin movie or not but Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords was just a bad movie.

Thank you.
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