Why Kids Today are Pansies

How Nintendo Made Me Into a Man
On
March 01, 2007
The reason that kids today are pansies is because modern video games are too easy. Nintendo games kicked my @$$ and made me into a man. When I have a kid they won't be able to get
Playstation 17 until they beat a prescribed number of games from each preceding system.
Here are a few examples of Nintendo games thay my son will be forced to beat instead of doing homework, and why:

Punch-Out

What it taught me: When I got picked on I knew to punch the fat bully in his big mouth mid-sentence and then when his pants fall down I punch him where the sun don't shine. Repeatedly.

Castlevania II

What it taught me: Being afraid of the dark is for pansies. Stop hidng under the covers, collect Dracula's body parts to reassemble him and bring him back to life and then kill him again. Hardcore.

Double Dragon

What it taught me: When someone punches your girlfriend it is your duty to kill everyone in a 10 mile vicinity to defend her honor.

Blades of Steel

What it taught me: Hockey is awesome. Fighting during hockey is awesomer.

WWF WrestleMania

What it taught me: When your friend is in a fight you should go piledrive the other guy's friends in case they get tagged in.

Bad Dudes

What it taught me: Never let ninjas kidnap the President. Never.

Metal Gear

What it taught me: Real men smoke cigarettes. And use them to detect laser wire.

Tecmo Bowl

What it taught me: In the rare situation when you have to run away from pursuers, the proper way to do it is by zig zagging at 45 degree angles.


Skate or Die!

What it taught me: Skate ... or Die

Tetris

What it taught me: When you really need the Russians to come through they won't. Russians are not to be trusted.

This is only a partial list of course. But the basic idea is the real men only need 2 buttons.


Stay tuned for the top WTF moments in Nintendo history.
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Comments
2 years, 8 months ago
Goddam right on Double Dragon, except I would expand to a 15 mile radius.... but that's just me
    9 years, 11 months ago
    Great read! But I would have given a thumbs up simply for your shared distrust of Russians.
      12 years, 4 months ago
      Hilarious. Good parenting idea thrown in too.(thumbs up)
        13 years, 1 month ago
        man you guys will make tough dads/moms like me im a dad and i made my kid try to beat contra without the 30 live code but many games are still hard dude like the shadow game try doing the dark mission on air fleet without the shadow riffle or shinobi (ps2 version) stays true to the origanle shinobi series by being relley hard i think it's a bit harder then 8 bit shinobi cause there 3D which makes getting back up with shadow dash hard and when you dont kill for a while i think it works that way the sowrd will drain your life bar but what im saying is games with good graphics can still be relley hard too
          13 years, 4 months ago
          Hahaha, so true.
            13 years, 6 months ago
            HAhahahaaha! This is F****** Hilarious! AND you remember Bad Dudes. That's the first time I have seen it on RetroJunk.com. Awesome bro!
              13 years, 9 months ago
              HAhaha, that is soo damn true. Kids thes day are wimps.
                13 years, 9 months ago
                This is the greatest article i've ever read. Thank you.
                  14 years ago
                  "real men only need 2 buttons" I live by this code, well that is untill i got my Super Famicom, 2, 4, they're both good numbers.
                    14 years, 1 month ago
                    Video games today are too easy?????????????????????????????

                    They are a lot more complicating thanthe old games.
                      14 years, 3 months ago
                      i freakin agree with this article. great job.

                      a 6yo girl back in 1989 after playing nintendo for 3 years of her life could definitely play out a 6 yo boy playing his simpler than life vid games today....
                      i need a time machine!!!! >D
                        14 years, 4 months ago
                        that's great! So funny!
                          14 years, 6 months ago
                          I wish ninjas WOULD kidnap the president...
                            14 years, 8 months ago
                            No memory cards then man! But try to get the kids to beat the games without even the cheat codes. I agree with the Contra dude.
                              14 years, 8 months ago
                              One of the best articles on RetroJunk! Incredibly amazing, dude!..haha, i can relate to all that, and i agree with you; kids these days don't know the value of real videogames...
                                14 years, 8 months ago
                                This article made me laugh out loud. It's also completely true. I agree with you 100%. I have two nieces and a nephew that I let play my Nintendo games. Most of them cant pass the first level of a majority of the games. They just give up because they are so used to their gamecube games being so easy. As a result they have no patience Whatsoever.
                                  14 years, 8 months ago
                                  LMFAO great article
                                    14 years, 8 months ago
                                    No matter how hard I tried beat punch-out.
                                      14 years, 8 months ago
                                      It really is amazing how many awesome, extremely long, and complex games came out for a system with only 2 buttons. I remember getting my first one. I still have one with all the games I ever wanted for it, but emultors are way better. LOL!
                                        14 years, 8 months ago
                                        Contra sholud be on your list too dude! That game was actually kinda hard if you DIDN'T use the 30 lives code. Finishing Contra should be a prerequisite for entering adult hood.
                                          14 years, 8 months ago
                                          they where more exciting thats for sure
                                          losing a life would mean dissaster
                                            14 years, 9 months ago
                                            Not bad...try to beating NES first version TMNT without giving up hope on mankind:(
                                              14 years, 9 months ago
                                              I like today's video games. I totally forgot about Skate or Die, though. Wasn't there a computer game called Ski or Die, too? I loved that stuff.
                                                14 years, 9 months ago
                                                damn streight dude...
                                                Back in the day, when we ran outta lives on the ninja turtles game, we had to start the ENTIRE game over! none of these fancy-shmancy save points... and if we were lucky, we could jot down a password that got us half way back to the place we were, without the wave beam and screw-attack we had just found.
                                                  14 years, 9 months ago
                                                  Great article. . . I agree with all you've said. I would, however, like to offer another one.

                                                  What did Metroid teach me: Things aren't always what they seem. Men can act like women, and women can act like men. And in a really cool-looking space suit, you can never really tell until you remove their mask.
                                                    14 years, 9 months ago
                                                    Yes, yes, and yes.

                                                    NES and SNES should be pre-requisites for gaming, like Pong, Asteroids, Pac-Man and Q*Bert.
                                                      14 years, 9 months ago
                                                      While rather short, this was a fun read. I particularly liked the first three bits. Heh. Nice
                                                        14 years, 9 months ago
                                                        Never let ninjas kidnap the president. Never. And I agree with this article. Kids today should be exposed to ALL systems before they go deciding which are the best.
                                                          14 years, 9 months ago
                                                          I only played E.T. a few times and that was challenging, as well as Raiders of the Lost Ark. On Intellivision it was Dungeons and Dragons. Those were way out before the Ninetendo and those games were hard. Unlike video games, we don't have cheat codes and unlimited lives. :) I just hope your kid doesn't get beat up by some other kid whos mom or dad lets them play GTA at his young age.
                                                            14 years, 9 months ago
                                                            really good article, some parts made me laugh, like skate... or die. Those games rock!
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