Don't Stop Believin' = Epic

Let me just start off by saying that "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey is one of the most awesome songs ever written. It is AWESOME. The power of this song cannot be overstated. I have seen this song single handedly turn mildly talented sports teams into champions, and stoic wedding receptions into full on rock concerts.

Not even the shitty Sopranos ending can taint the awesomeness of this song, and that's saying a lot when you consider that I want to punch James Gandolfini in his fat face just for reading the script and not saying something like:

"Uh hey my last page is missing..... what's that? Black screen? Does it even fade out of the shot.... oh.... just instant black screen..... I already got paid for this right? Well, I'm just asking because I think I'm gonna need to go into hiding after all the fans see what we're gonna do to them."

Name 1 thing you've seen him in since that fucking black screen, I dare you. Oh yeah, that's right bitches he hasn't been seen on screen or in public for years since.

Anyways, back to how awesome Journey is - I fucking love Journey. Here's a short list of why Journey is awesome:

1) They're on the soundtrack for Caddyshack. (That's pretty close to the only reason you need to be awesome)

2) In the "Separate Ways" video the drummer looks like Gallagher's cousin,wears a purple and white reversible Intramurals Foosball jersey, and plays on an impromptu drum set made out of empty barrels and hupcaps.

Note: If you can do that and still be considered a rock star then you must have a cock that's at least 2.5 feet long.

3) "Steeeeeeeve PERRY!" is the second best name taunt ever. (Right behind shouting "NOONAN!")

4) They had their own video game on the Atari 2600.

5) This one time I went to a sorority dance and told the DJ to rock some Journey and then got drunk and puked in the bushes on their back porch, and then still made out with a chick later. "Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin" indeed.

With a resume like that, its no wonder that Journey is so awesome, but they are still best loved for their magnum opus "Don't Stop Believin".

DSB is the slow clap of the music world. It starts slowly and just keeps building and building until it unleashes an explosion of rock & roll right in your face. Also, at the end of DSB approximately 87% of all men have semi's, and 93% of all women have WPS, more commonly known as "Wet Panties Syndrome." Scientists cannot explain this phenomenon except to say "That's fucking AWESOME."

Here is a real time breakdown of what happens when I experience the awesomeness of DSB:

0:01 - Sweet piano hook catches your ear from the beginning. 4 notes on repeat never sounded so good. (I am mildly humming and tapping my foot to the timing of the piano keys)

0:17 - Enter the Perry. "Just a small town girl..." (I immediately connect to the story of these people despite not being a city boy born and raised in South Detroit, nor have I ever taken a midnight train to "anywhere." I am still tapping my foot and now nodding my head to the beat)

0:54 - First twitterings of a slow building guitar solo begin as if to say "I know you think this song is a slow ballad now, but just hold on cuz in 10 seconds we are gonna start bringing in the rock." (I am fucking ready for the rock to be brought.)

1:04 - Wailing guitar note is followed up by a nice double-thump combo from the bass drum and cymbals. Indeed the rock has been brought in. (I break from my rhythm in order to give 2 proper head bangs to the drum beats. I can feel the tension starting to rise and slide to the edge of my seat)

1:18 - More drums and guitars as we move into the chorus, Steve really starts to open up the pipes "It goes on and on and on and oooooonnnn. Strangahs, waitin, walkin down the bouleeevaaaaarrrrd" (I become possessed by the spirit of the Perry and start singing even louder)

1:48 - "In the Niiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhtttttt!!!!!" The rock has not only been brought in, now it has taken over. The piano has given way to nothing but drums and guitars hitting "riff-riff-chord-riff" (I am now standing and air guitaring to the awesomeness and head banging everytime I hit that power chord. The rock is beginning to swirl around me and I can feel its magic.)

2:02 - Second bridge starts, "Working hard to get my fill. Everybody wants a thriiiillll. Payin anything to rollll the dice, just one more tiiiiiiiime." Steve Perry is no longer just singing about 2 people on a train, he is singing the story of my life. (I am on my feet and rocking out and can feel the crowd starting to clap louder and louder. True fans were slowly singing with me from the beginning, but now that I'm really showing off my vocal chops, the entire arena can be heard when I draw out the end of every lyric.)

2:32 - A distinct "thump-thump-thump-thump-thump" from the bass drum/cymbals leads into the second chorus, Steve is really letting his voice shine, and everyone is super pumped because they know that the best part of the entire song is right around the corner. (If you aren't singing by the second chorus then I am 89% convinced that you are a Commie and need to be punched in the face)

3:00-3:04 - "NIIIIIIIGGHHHHHHTTTTTT!!!!!!!" (I am screaming this at the top of my lungs.)

3:05-3:20 - Second guitar solo and its really starting to wail in an awesome way. The power of the notes course through your veins and the music takes over your brain. You are now standing on your feet and pumping your fist in the air and taking deep breaths to get ready to finish this epic the way it was intended. Epically. (I am standing on my feet and pumping my fist in the air and taking deep breaths to get ready to finish this epic the way it was intended. Epically)

3:21-4:09 - The words you've been waiting your whole life for: "DOOOON'T STOP! BELIEVIN!!! HOLD ON TO THAT FEEEL-AAAAYY-IAAAIIINN!!! STREEEEET LIGHTS!! PE-POOOO-OOWOOAH-OOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!" (I am rocking so fucking hard that I actually become Steve Perry.)

4:10 - All good things must come to an end, no matter how much you want them to keep going. Let's face it, if Steve and the boys just kept repeating the last 48 seconds of this song for 20 more minutes then you would still be pumping your fist and screaming at the top of your lungs. Hell, if they came out and just did 20 minutes of that as their encore it would be the greatest performance in the history of mankind.

4:11 - I realize that I have my headphones on and just serenaded the entire DMV waiting line with an impromptu karaoke jam session that no one else can hear except for me. Consequently, they let me to the front of the line, either because of my blazingly awesome rock skills, or because they're conviced that I'm insane and will kill someone within the next 30 seconds. Either way, they're right.

Let's face it, if you haven't been fist pumping and rocking through the last part of DSB then I just feel sorry for you because obviously you are a Commie, and also possibly a Hippie. So put down the doobie and wash off the patchoulie Komrade, and learn to accept the power of rock into your heart.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a semi and need to go find a girl with WPS.