I've noticed that there has been a huge boom in the Pokemon Revival at my school. Everyone's playing the games again (including me) and making references to the anime. And you know, as much as I love people celebrating their childhood memories, I must say that Pokemon has some moments where it's too goddam confusing to understand. Here are some examples...

FIRST EXAMPLE

Remember when it first started out? You know, back when it was just Red, Blue, and Yellow? And the anime was just starting out? Well, I distinctly remember them saying that there are only, I repeat, ONLY 150 Pokemon. Simple as that. 150. But then, what happened? Let's go on with what happened in the anime and the movies...

From what I remember, the first movie introduced three new Pokemon: Mew, Marrill, and Donphan. Remember, this was still during the R/B/Y era, so it was said that there was ONLY 150 Pokemon. But then, three newbies came in. 150 + 3 = 153. So there were really 153 and nobody told us? Let's also consider this: Marrill is an already-evolved Pokemon (Azurill ---> Marrill) and Marrill evolves into Azumarill. So already there are two more Pokemon. We're up to 155. Now we have Pikachu, which evolved from Pichu (revealed in Gold, Silver, and Crystal), and would evolve into Raichu with a Thunderstone. Now, Raichu was there from the start, but Pichu was later. So with Pichu in tow, it's 156. And weirder than that, I believe there were a few episodes of Pokemon that showed a BABY Pikachu and not a Pichu. Is something wrong here? What, were they lazy and not notice a Pichu until later? And now, let's go back to Donphan. Donphan is the evolved form of Phanpy, so with that in tow, that brings up to 157. And then Clefairy. Clefairy evolved from Cleffa (revealed in G/S/C), so that's 158. And then there was the 100+ Pokemon added every game and every new season, so the whole "150 Pokemon in existence" theory is bullshit. Couldn't they have just said that there were more Pokemon in the world, but there were only 150 Pokemon found in the region the first couple of games and the first season of the anime took place in? What, did they dig up a cave and found that there were 100+ Pokemon there?

So I have some bad news for anybody that wants to be the very best, the best there ever was. You are NEVER gonna be a Pokemon master. EVER. New games come out, 100 more Pokemon, eight new gym badges. It was easy in R/B/Y when it was only 150 (151 if you had a Gameshark or lived in Japan). We accepted the challenge of another 100 in G/S/C. But it was when we played R/S/E that we threw our Game Boys to the wall and said "Fuck this, I quit. I'm gonna play Halo." I literally threw my Game Boy Advance several times at the wall with the failed attempts at catching Entei, Raikou, Suicune, Latias, and Latios.

SECOND EXAMPLE

Gold, Silver, and Crystal introduced the whole gender thing. Before that, we always called Pokemon "he". He's Pikachu. He's Jigglypuff. He's Rapidash. The only girls in the game were Nidoran (Female), Nidorina, and Nidoqueen. But then we still refferred to them as "he". So then Gold, Silver, and Crystal came in and introduced the whole gender thing, so we differentiated all of the Pokemon using gender. I guess they did this in order to introduce breeding. Now I understand breeding. Mostly. Two of the same Pokemon of two different genders will create an egg. But the weird thing is that everytime you entered the Day Care where you can breed, the Old Man will say "We don't know how it happened, but an Egg appeared". One question: ARE YOU GODDAMNED SHITTING ME?! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS?!

The average six-year old already knows the basics of pre-birth. The mother and father love each other very much so SOMEHOW, they are able to get the mother pregnant. So couldn't Nintendo found some censored way of squeezing that one through? I mean, I knew better than "an Egg appeared out of thin air".

Plus, here's something weird: can someone explain that mixing any Pokemon of any gender with a Ditto produces an egg?

THIRD EXAMPLE

The original legendaries. I'm talking of course about Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres, Mew, Mewtwo, Entei, Raikou, Suicune, Lugia, Ho-oh, and Celebi. Regice, Registeel, Regirock, Kyogre, Groudon, Rayquaza, Jirachi, Dialga, Palkia, Girantina, Regigigas, and the three legendaries found on the lakes in Pearl/Diamond/Platinum I don't really care for. I'm talkin' about the original ones. So let's break them down, starting with...

Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres, and Lugia

I'm going to take you back to the year 2000. Pokemon was all the rage. And Nintendo and Game Freak were able to pony up the money to create another Pokemon movie. This one was, at the time, my favorite of the films. But that was eight years ago. I used to understand the whole goddamn thing. But that was eight years ago. I used to be able to watch the film with a greater sense of Pokemon knowledge everytime I saw it. But that was EIGHT FREAKIN' YEARS AGO.

This is how I remember the plot: some dill-munch named Lawrence III decided to capture the three legendary birds (Art, Molt, and Zap) because he was inspired by an ancient Mew Pokemon Trading Card. Now stop right there. The card is shown at the end of the movie. It's not made of stone or anything. It's made of FREAKING PAPER. It's not ancient. In fact, I'd say it's about, say, two weeks old. So calling it ancient is either bullshit or just some reason to cause global corruption in the world because you goddamn can.

Now if I can get back to it, Lawrence III also wants to capture Lugia. Not A Lugia, but THE Lugia. Only one of a kind. Last of its species. Now, from what I remember, he wants to capture THE Lugia, THE Art, THE Zap, and THE Molt. There ain't another one of each. Just ONE. And these are extremely ultramega special because Art is the Spirit of Ice, Molt is the Spirit of Fire, Zap is the Spirit of Thunder, and Lugia is the Spirit of the Sea. Lawrence III fails because he's teh n00biezt gui in existance evar and that he can't beat three ten-year-olds.

So here's the problem I hae with Lugia. First of all, both the Japanese and English voice actors are guys. I can't remember the Japanese voice actor, but the English voice actor is Dan Green, who would later play Knuckles in Sonic X. So by this, we can assume that Lugia is indeed a guy. But this is later contradicted during a much later episode of Pokemon (Gold/Silver/Crystal era), there's a baby Lugia.

Now, I stopped watching the anime after the third movie. I couldn't take it anymore. Too much Poke and Mon and......*head spins*

But anyway, it's now 2009 and I'm slowly catching up at what I missed. So I come across this pic and it blows my mind. I thought Lugia was a guy?

But no! Apparently this one was a female Lugia! Not the one we saw in Pokemon 2000! So does that mean that Lugia is a transvestite?

Let's also consider this: there HAS to be a male Lugia in this. But where else is another Lugia? In 2000, it was revealed that there was only ONE Lugia. ONE. The end. Rare fuckin' shit. Now with this episode, this takes a massive dump on the movie and creates a major plothole. So what, there is more than one Lugia? What the Hell? So we were duped the entire time?!

And weirder than that is this: in the games, most notably in Gold, Silver, and (ESPECIALLY) Crystal, there is only ONE Ho-oh and Lugia. Ever. The only times you can capture Lugia and Ho-Oh in other games is if you cheat or glitches. Other than that, it's one of each. ONE.

So let's go to the G/S/C era. More notably, Pokemon Crystal because this one went absolutely apecrazy over the legendaries. Here's the story...


There were once two great towers in Johto's Ecruteak City: the western Brass Tower which put Pokemon to sleep and the eastern Tin Tower which awakened Pokemon. Much time passes. Then, about 150 years before the events of G/S/C, there was either a great storm (occurs in the game) or great war (occurs in the anime) that struck the Brass Tower. Three Pokemon inside died along within it (Entei, Raikou, and Suicune), but were revived from the Tin Tower's chief resident, Ho-oh. The Brass Tower's chief resident flew away to the sea never to be seen again while the tower itself burned to the ground. The three revived Pokemon went back inside the tower's basements to take an eternal slumber.

So we are left to believe that there is only one Lugia in the show and the games. One. So we can easily assume that the Brass Tower Lugia is the one that appears in the second Pokemon film. But then here comes that one faithful episode where we find a baby Lugia. So this puts a whole new spin on the "only one Lugia" theory.

So for the hell of it, let's ACCEPT that there is in fact more than one Lugia. Let's take a huge shit on the second movie and the Ecruteak Towers. But here raises the question: how rare is Lugia? Could there have only been two in existence? One male and one female? Maybe the male was the one from Pokemon 2000? And who was the other female? Could I be wrong? Maybe the Lugia in 2000 was the father and the one that escaped the Brass Tower was the female. BUT Lawrence III mentioned that there was already one Lugia, so it's impossible that there are two Lugias. But we have to scrap that theory and leave it to others to decide.

Now, we MUST assume that there is more then one Lugia. Hell, there might even be way more. It's just that they are hardly seen. So once again, we have this baby Lugia which answers the question of there being more than one Lugia. That's it, problem solved. And on an unrelated note, why do they decide to free this Lugia back out in the wild anyway? I remember that at the end of the episode, Ash and Oliver (the n00b character in this episode) returns the baby Lugia into the wild because they feel that it deserves to be put back in the wild back where it belongs. And they say this after taking a bunch of Pokemon from the wild and making them fight to the death for their own amusement. OH THE IRONY.

And you want to know the funny thing about this? I've already spent this much time just talking about FREAKING LUGIA. And it was all because of that freakin' baby! See, it's times like these I am glad I'm pro-choice. Let's face it, if we didn't have this baby Lugia, then I would NOT have to take all of this time talking about it. I'm so glad they didn't find a baby Ho-oh, that would've been extremely confusing. Ho-oh sticks its head in about a few seconds every 100 episodes. And that's the way it should be.

Now I FINALLY get to talk about the other three legendary birds: Articuno, Zapdos, and Moltres. Unfortunately, all three of them appear in the second Pokemon film!

*sigh*

Well, I've gotta do this, so let's get on with this.

First of all, Articuno does not appear in any real episode of Pokemon before the second movie. Ever. However, Moltres appears as a flame on top of Indigo Plateau during the first season's Pokemon League arc. Zapdos appears as a giant version of itself on an island, but it's later proven that all of the Pokemon there are artificial machines used for an amusement park. I guess this episode was supposed to parody the Jurassic Park films or something. So that's great that there aren't any plot holes...yet.

Now there's the second movie. Now, Moltres appears. So you know what that means: a PLOT HOLE. Now I can perfectly understand Art and Zap being there. They weren't in the first season at all, so it went fine. But then Molt comes up. So I'm eight years old at the time and thinking "This is gonna be cool!" Eight years later, I'm sixteen. I'm watching it now and thinking "This is gonna be confusing!"

So now I have to understand that there are TWO MOLTRESES. Now this would be more acceptable to believe, except for the fact that there is a huge "Spirit of Fire" and "this Moltres is only one of a kind" thing behind it.

And then there's Articuno appearing later in the anime. After Ash gets his fourth badge, there's a huge "hunt for Articuno" arc. Was this the same Articuno from the second movie? It's never revealed.

So you know what I say about all this?

FUCK THE SECOND MOVIE! Just fuck it. It's non-canon. At least the first Pokemom movie had an excuse. Mewtwo gave everyone amnesia and left before they could remember anything that happened in the movie. But Lugia does not give ANYONE amnesia, so the characters are left to remember all of this. But it most likely NEVER happened because the events of the second movie are never talked about in the show. Nobody kisses up to Ash because he saved the world. In fact, nobody even KNOWS what happened. And even more ironic is that the news reporters in the movie recorded all of the events that occured. So why can't they remember? I could go on about it, but I've talked about it too much. It hurts my head.

I can finally move on...

Entei, Suicune, and Raikou

If I can remember the THIRD movie correctly....yes, the THIRD movie....as if the second one wasn't confusing enough.....it had a daughter (Molly) of a famous professor having some Home Alone situation where both her parents are gone (her dad left to go on a trip and her mom's dead (not like Home Alone; Alex's parents just left without him for vacation, but that's something else)). So she gets homesick and a bunch of Unown somehow get into her house and create some weird illusion in which Entei appears in her house. Creepier than that, she thinks Entei's her dad. So either this bitch is high on some strong drugs or she's a furry with a strong fetish. And even creepier than THAT is that Entei decides to pick up a "lady friend" for himself and as a mother replacement for Molly. The lady friend is...Ash's mom. Who knew that Entei was such a player? So it's beasically a matter of time that Ash and co. find out about all of this and end the whole Entei thing before it got out of hand.

And then, much later, there is an episode called "Entei At Your Own Risk" (which is the OMG BEST PUN EVAR!!!11!1111!11!!1!!!) where Entei makes his first appearance. Now I would complain about this, but since the Entei in the third movie was merely an illusion, then the Entei in this episode is in fact the real deal.

And now there's Suicune.

Once again, it's the same bullshit we had to put up with Lugia. "One of a Kind". Bullshit. There are three Suicune in the Pokemon universe: one in the games, and two in the anime/fourth movie. So really, there are two types. And the obvious difference between the two is one is short and the other ain't. I mean, just look at the picture. He's like a goddamned draft horse. What, I'd assume he's about 36hh! And in case you didn't know, a hh (hand) is about 4 inches. So 36hh would be a draft horse that's about the size of two draft horses. It's not even possible. So 36hh X 4in = 144in. Now divide it into feet. 144/12 = 12 Feet big. Ash (and pretty much every playable character in Pokemon EVER) is only 4 feet. So Suicune is about three times as big. Problem is is that Suicune in the anime AND the games is 6 foot 7. So we've reduced Suicune now from a huge-ass percheron to a thoroughbred. So there's a huge difference now.

Also one major difference: once again...once a GODDAMNED AGAIN... the ones in the game and the anime just roam around the land just because and DO NOT TALK AT ALL. And here comes the one in the fourth movie and its talks. Goddam it, are we going to have to divide this like Lugia in the second movie? Is there a failed Suicune abortion? Thank holy Moses, there isn't. We just have the Suicune in the fourth movie and that's it. Yes, a Suicune of the same height does appear in the anime. In fact, he appears in the full flesh in episode so "cleverly" titled Drifloon in the Wind.

Now: Raikou.


I AM SO FUCKING GLAD THAT HE'S NOT IN A MOVIE. Finally, I can safely say that there is only one in the anime. And it has the same history in the anime as it does in G/S/C. FINALLY. But you know for a fact that there's gonna be a movie with Raikou in it so this is going to mess things up big time.

So I've already taken up nearly half of my rant just talking about the four legendaries in the Brass Tower. THE BRASS TOWER ALONE.

MOVING ON.

Mew and Mewtwo

I can finally talk about something that I've been talking about for a long time now. LONG TIME. The two that started the whole legendary Pokemon craze. The two Pokemon long considered the best Pokemon ever. The two Pokemon that reinvented the whole Pokemon craze and made it even more popular.

Weirdly enough, the movie that made the Pokemon industry sky rocket to the top is now considered one of the worst animated movies ever made. Just look at the first Pokemon movie's rating at imdb.com.

ANYWHO, you probably want to get my opinion about this. Well here's the deal: it all starts out with Mew.

You never find out about Mew's origin. EVER. He just exists for some reason. He's also said to be the mother of all Pokemon. So he's...a she. Weird. But also, if Mew IS the mother of all Pokemon, then why is Mewtwo the only mentioned offspring?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulac3cC9Hw8

The first minute or so show the diaries in the Pokemon Mansion in Pokemon R/B/Y and their remakes Fire Red and Leaf Green. As you can see, they show that Mew gave birth to Mewtwo and Mewtwo was too crazy and insane with power to be controlled. So he burned the whole lab down and ran away to Cerulean Cavern. Here's a question: HOW THE HELL DID THIS GO UNNOTICED? Christ, there's about ten people living on Cinnabar in the game, two of which are OUTSIDE THE ENTIRE DAMN TIME. And seeing the technology inside the lab and how anyone who needs to challenge Blaine at the Cinnabar Gym just HAS to get a key from inside the mansion, the buring down was pretty recent and due to the few who have entered the mansion, they may have ACTUALLY NOTICED IT.

BUT HERE'S WHERE THE CONTRADICTION STEPS IN!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkxIUJEtC6g

So he was created in a lab?

Now, I know there's a HUUUUUUUGGGEE difference between the games and the anime but this caused confusion to MANY PEOPLE. Was he created in a lab or was he born by Mew? I guess this part is based on what YOU think happened.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! In an episode of Pokemon (Orange Island arc), there is a "who's that Pokemon" segment where it shows Mewtwo. When they reveal that it IS Mewtwo, he doesn't reply back with speaking regularly like he does in the movie. Instead, he only says his name, which gives the indication that he WAS IN FACE BORN LIKE ANY ORDINARY POKEMON. So the whole lab thing was bullshit? WTF?

Conclusion

I finally got it! The end of the whole contradictions!

Here's the deal with the movies...



THEY ARE ALL NON-CANON.


They have absolutely no continuity. Period. None of the characters in the anime recognize or make references to ANY of the events that happen in the movies. So they're history. The end. You've wasted a couple of hours trying to connect the movies to the show. If not, then you wasted about 23+ dollars on the movies as well as a couple of hours trying to see that BS.

Here's the deal with the games VS the anime. FOLLOW ONE OR THE OTHER. They are both similar to each other, but INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT.

And I know that some will be wondering about the manga. Guess what: never read it. I've maybe only one issue of the Pokemon comic book in which Ash is about to enter the Pokemon League, but I can't remember much of it. All I remember was that there was a panel in which Ash was lying the roof of a building. And then the next panel had Gary laughing weirdly for some reason. I can't remember.

THE END OF POKEMON

I've actually predicted the end of Pokemon. Oh yes. Start pulling out the Cleenex.

Almost every single region the Pokemon games take place in is based on a portion of Japan. And as you can see, Japan is almost half-way gone. They are almost all out of regions of Japan to copy off of. Thing about it: Pokemon has been around since 1995. It's now 2009. 2009 minus 1995 equals 14. And the Pokemon games have 5 main regions based off of Japan. So divide 14 by 5. So they have made exactly 2.8 regions every 5 years. Also, consider this: R/B/Y was made in 1995 and released in 1996. Pokemon G/S/C was made in 1999 and released in 2000. Already, they have made two continents in about five years. And by then, they were considering the ideas for Ruby, Sapphire, and Emerald. So that right there takes care of the other eight tenths. So if the case continues, Pokemon will finally end in the year 2026. Every region of Japan has been used to create a region of the Pokemon world. There will be about 800+ Pokemon in existence. And unless Nintendo decides to create their own Pokemon world that ISN'T based on a region of Japan, it will all end in the year 2026.

END OF THIS RANT

That's it. I'm finally done with this rant. I hope you all enjoyed reading my random acts of anger and frustration. See ya.