Stealing Harvard
Release: September 13, 2002
Release: September 13, 2002

John (Jason Lee) is a hard-working guy who only wants to marry his longtime girlfriend Elaine (Leslie Mann). Elaine and John have vowed to marry once they save $30,000 for their dream house. Things are fine until John's sister calls to remind him of his promise to pay his niece's tuition, which costs $29,829 and is due in two weeks! John turns to his friend Duff (Tom Green) to help him make $30,000 quickly. Duff convinces John to make a short-term commitment to petty crime.

Mr. Warner: "This guy is a lump."
Added By: Clint_Olson
David Loach: "Why is anybody talking?"
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Duff: "We're going skiing."
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Duff: "Ok just so we're all on the same page, I'm flying right now! Angel Dust! So lets keep it real, boys, keep it real and no bodys getting hurt."
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John: "Duff? Don't you think you're taking a little bit too much off the top?"
Duff: "John, I know what i'm doing okay. I've got to taper it so the sunlight reaches the lower leaves during the growing season!"
John: "what about that string there?"
Duff: "...the string is a guide John. It's just a guide!"
Added By: Clint_Olson
Detective Charles: "I turned 40 last week. Do you know what I did? I got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer. Do you know what he told me? He said "Detective Charles, you have one of the cleanest rectums I've ever seen." and do you know why? During my quiet time here at work I use a toothbrush that I have here in my desk to get to the really hard to find spots... just for a really good scrubbin'... you guys think you're so smart don't you?"
Duff: "No"
Detective Charles: "The way you made those survilence tapes just... disapear? You just... got rid of 'em some how..."
John: "What tapes?"
Detective Charles: "Will you do me a personal favor son?"
John: "Sure."
Detective Charles: "Don't ever play ME... like a flute... OK? Because see, you two idiots got real lucky, I don't have enough to keep you here. But mark my words gentlemen... I mean... you're goin' down. I mean... you're either goin' down... or by God i'm gonna' take you down. But either way... once you're down? [picks up a paper weight and slams it on his desk three times] YOU'LL STAY DOWN! YOU'LL STAY DOWN! YOU... WILL... STAY DOWN! [Throws paper weight] Now get up and get out! Get up! get out! get up! get out! g"
Added By: Clint_Olson
Duff: "The branch! Swing from the branch Rickey!"
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Mr. Warner: "I'm gonna give you a few seconds of immunity here. Now, if you have slept with her, you tell me here, you tell me now, and we'll let it go... have you slept with my daughter?"
John: "Mr. Warner... I have never slept with Elaine"
Mr. Warner: "Good! Goddammit that's good! Because if you had John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let 'em rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzee cup. Have a good one!"
Added By: Clint_Olson
Mr. Warner: "Have you slept with my daughter?"
John: "Mr. Warner, I have never slept with Elaine."
Mr. Warner: "Good! Godammit, that's good! Because if you had, John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let them rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzee cup. Have a good one!"
Added By: Clint_Olson
Duff: "All right American beef cattle, just stay calm, and you'll all get to go home to your precious TV dinners!"
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Duff: "I'm not liquid... I'm not... liquid."
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Duff: "I'm not goin' in."
John: "What?"
Duff: "Someone has to watch in case he comes home."
John: "I thought you said he was going to be out all night."
Duff: "He *will* be out all night."
John: "Then why do we need a look-out?"
Duff: "We don't. Just go in."
John: "You go in."
Duff: "Look, I'm not the one that needs the money. Why should I assume the risk?"
John: "What risk?"
Duff: "There is no risk. [John shows his mad face and shakes his head] Just go!"
Added By: Clint_Olson
Duff: "I wanted to scope the place out. I was hungry so I decided to heat up a brick of cheese. I need my cheese."
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Detective Charles: "I urge you to drop it."
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John: "[coming out of his house] Why didn't you just ring the door bell?"
Duff: "[whispering] I didn't wanna wake Elaine."
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John: "We've been banging together like a pair of cymbals in an overworked marching band."
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John: "Nothing could hold a candle to the fetish crime I just endured."
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John: "Dave! John Plummer. Remember? You used to call me "asshole"?"
David Loach: "I call everybody "asshole.""
John: "Yes, but I believe I was the first. We were five, maybe six at the time?"
David Loach: "Congratulations, asshole. Now get to the point."
Added By: Clint_Olson
Duff: "Elaine... I like her. I like her a lot, John. But she's a bitch! She's a dirty, dumb bitch."
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Elaine: "[whispers] He's an asshole."
Duff: "Mmm... casserole."
Elaine: "I said asshole."
Duff: "I heard casserole!"
Added By: Clint_Olson
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