bigdawg8412's Avatar
bigdawg8412
734 Posts
17 years, 5 months ago
I found this on another forum. If you think you'll be too disgusted, then don't read any further.


HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the

WALK OF SHAME.

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
THIS WOULD BE B. WOLF (i see it happen)

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) (cubby ..3 go5s)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop
in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.



    eep
    735 Posts
    17 years, 5 months ago
    i work as a bartender, so i use the vip bathroom. hah. souper clean in there.
      System
      79987 Posts
      17 years, 5 months ago
      eep
      i work as a bartender, so i use the vip bathroom. hah. souper clean in there.


      Nah, I'll pay your bar a visit and then you'll be sorry. Chimichangas FTW!
        eep
        735 Posts
        17 years, 5 months ago
        :D i wanna get drunk and poo like a coke fountain. hahah
          System
          79987 Posts
          17 years, 5 months ago
          eep
          :D i wanna get drunk and poo like a coke fountain. hahah


          Just got to get a plane ticket. :wink:
            Ciara_Aislinn
            380 Posts
            17 years, 5 months ago
            eeeww boys are gross :wink:
              System
              79987 Posts
              17 years, 5 months ago
              Ciara_Aislinn
              eeeww boys are gross :wink:


              Yup, Eep! Should be ashamed of himself. (Wags finger)
                eep
                735 Posts
                17 years, 5 months ago
                Reaper
                Ciara_Aislinn
                eeeww boys are gross :wink:


                Yup, Eep! Should be ashamed of himself. (Wags finger)


                =( its natural...i swear!
                  Ciara_Aislinn
                  380 Posts
                  17 years, 5 months ago
                  Not for girls! We always look fabulous and smell like roses 8)
                    System
                    79987 Posts
                    17 years, 5 months ago
                    Ciara_Aislinn
                    Not for girls! We always look fabulous and smell like roses 8)


                    Turd blossoms. :lol:
                      PoopsMcGee's Avatar
                      PoopsMcGee
                      473 Posts
                      17 years, 5 months ago
                      I think for the "Fly-By" to be effective you have to be in some sort of office and/or cubicle. I work at a Denny's and the "Fly-By" looks very suspicious to customer's when you walk past them like three times and emerge within three minutes of your entrence. I normally use a Co-Poop-Buddy-Ally to help go and scope the bathrooms for me so I don't look like a "Frequent Flyer" but that list is awesome man. :P
                        System
                        79987 Posts
                        17 years, 5 months ago
                        PoopsMcGee
                        I think for the "Fly-By" to be effective you have to be in some sort of office and/or cubicle. I work at a Denny's and the "Fly-By" looks very suspicious to customer's when you walk past them like three times and emerge within three minutes of your entrence. I normally use a Co-Poop-Buddy-Ally to help go and scope the bathrooms for me so I don't look like a "Frequent Flyer" but that list is awesome man. :P


                        I was wondering when you would post here. I dig the name. :lol:
                          kayvee's Avatar
                          kayvee
                          3672 Posts
                          17 years, 5 months ago
                          I always exit the building if I have to fart. thank God for the door right by my office!

                          This is funny and since I am a guy I get it. good laughs. There is this guy at work who just comes in the mens room and lets everything fly! its almost as if he is thinking "take that"! I usually get the hell on after he comes in but one time I was stuck on the can.
                            System
                            79987 Posts
                            17 years, 5 months ago
                            kayvee
                            I always exit the building if I have to fart. thank God for the door right by my office!

                            This is funny and since I am a guy I get it. good laughs. There is this guy at work who just comes in the mens room and lets everything fly! its almost as if he is thinking "take that"! I usually get the hell on after he comes in but one time I was stuck on the can.


                            Man, Turd Burglers can really ruin your day. :x
                              kayvee's Avatar
                              kayvee
                              3672 Posts
                              17 years, 5 months ago
                              hah! turd burglers! tile prowlers!
                                bdenz
                                28 Posts
                                17 years, 5 months ago
                                I've been known to Crop Dust a time or two....or ten.

                                The worst is when you let out a SBD at your desk and then your boss and like 12 other people come in and start talking to you. You just know they can smell it.

                                And I'm all :oops:
                                Porkchop sandwiches!
                                  kayvee's Avatar
                                  kayvee
                                  3672 Posts
                                  17 years, 5 months ago
                                  "Do you smell something Johnson?"
                                    System
                                    79987 Posts
                                    17 years, 5 months ago
                                    kayvee
                                    hah! turd burglers! tile prowlers!


                                    Don't let this happen to you when a Crop duster enters your zone. :lol:

                                      kayvee's Avatar
                                      kayvee
                                      3672 Posts
                                      17 years, 5 months ago
                                      I keep the febreze handy!
                                        System
                                        79987 Posts
                                        17 years, 5 months ago
                                        kayvee
                                        I keep the febreze handy!


                                        I'm sure you got your pets housebroken too.

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