Married ... with Children Quotes
Al: Ooh, Peg, look, car bras.
Peggy: The Dodge does not need a car bra.
Al: Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom. See, it's even in her size -- "Astrovan."
Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six "D" batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile in broad daylight.
Peggy: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.
Woman: I want my money back. These shoes fell apart after one day and I wanna know why.
Griff: Well, you see ma'am, this is a pliant heel with a cork filling.
Al: Whereas you are a giant seal with a pork filling.
Matilda: I don't understand it, I was a size six before aerobics class. All that jumping must've expanded my foot.
Al: Then I see you must've fallen on your butt a time or two.
Matilda: How dare you say that to my face!
Al: I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!
Peggy: Marcy, let me tell you a little something about men. You see, nature played a very cruel joke on them. It gave them a source of pleasure, but in order for it to work, the blood has to leave the brain. And you see it leaves them confused, disoriented and eager to enter into negotiations. Because the brain wants that blood back. You see, it needs it to go to work, to pay for all those things it agreed to only moments before.
Peggy: Okay, Honey, now it's time to do your chores.
Al: Wait a second, Peg, we had sex three nights ago. I'm still kinda woozy.
Peggy: The garbage, Al. The longer of the two jobs.
Al: And the more rewarding.
[Al picks up garbage bag which rips and spills the contents]
Peggy: Don't you even know how to do that?
Al: Well thanks, Peg. Now it's exactly like sex.
Peggy: Now sit up, shut up and brace yourself!
Al: Wait a second, Peg, remember the kids are here. Now if you wanna have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
Marcy: I guess about a month ago when you came over to borrow a soda and we said "Take whatever you want," you might've misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.
Al: Hey, I didn't steal your bra!
Woman: I want my money back! These shoes you sold me are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once and they split at the sides.
Al: Well, let me explain, see it's just like an elevator, there's a two-ton weight limit on these shoes. What's say I nail the soles directly to your feet. It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Woman: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?
Woman: See, I told you I was a four.
Al: No, ma'am, "Fore!" is what you'll have to yell when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?
Woman: Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
Al: I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that's satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo!" and I'll stop.
Woman: That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere!
Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig?
Al: You see, Aaron, I've been married to Peg for over twenty years. I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back. I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch, I've seen her on her stupid couch. I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big, red wife.
Marcy: Guess what, we're going to have a new addition to our family.
Al: Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch?
Al: Women, can't live with em, can't herd em all into Canada.
Marcy: We prefer to be called "gyno-Americans."
Al: Then "rhino-Americans" it is!
Bud: Just you and me now, Buck boy.
Buck: Uh-oh, I've seen porno films that start like this.
Kelly: Pleasures of the flesh muddy the thinking.
Peggy: She's right, you know. I saved myself for marriage.
Al: Oh, come on! The football team retired *her* jersey!
Peggy: Hi, honey, did you miss me?
Al: With every bullet so far.
Bud: When I was a freshman they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool. So they let me flush it myself. But now, I'm a senior, ready to rule. This year, he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.
Al: Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and...they stole my socks!
Peggy: Honey, were they green before or after they touched your socks?
Al: Oh, Peg, it was horrible. Sixteen straight hours of shoe selling mayhem. Last thing I remember, I was down on one knee, waiting on an over-flowing glacier of a woman. First thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman is when you get a fat one in the chair, never look up. I looked up, Peg! I saw underwear! It said "Saturday!"
Peggy: So, what?
Al: Today's Wednesday!