Married ... with Children Quotes
35099
Kelly:
Dad, take a look at me.
What do you think?
(She's wearing a red dress, tight black high heels and a LOT of makeup)
Al:
What do you mean "What do I think?"
Kelly:
You know.
Tell me what you think of my outfit. Don't worry. You can say ANYTHING. I can take it.
Al:
Ok. Well, I think you look like....MARY POPPINS!
Audience:
(Laughter. Especially with Kelly's expression)
Kelly:
MARY POPPINS?! MARY POPPINS?! I come out here dressed like a Hollywood Superstar, and you think I look like MARY POPPINS?!
Peg:
Kelly, what's the matter, honey?
Kelly:
Dad says I look like MARY POPPINS!
Peg:
No, you don't.
Kelly:
Ok. Then, What do YOU think?
Peg:
The dress looks great on you.
But, I DO think you went a little "overboard" with the makeup, though.
(NO DIALOGUE. JUST ACTION):
(Kelly sighs, screams and runs out the door)
(She is still screaming)
Al:
Nice going, Peg.
Peg:
ME? YOU were the one who called her "MARY POPPINS!"
(NO DIALOGUE, JUST ACTION):
(They sit quietly, hoping Kelly will come back)
31054
Al Bundy:
I'm going to sit down and watch the news, and when it's all over I want some form of dead animal on my plate.
22846
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy Burgers, made with love... and lard! - Buddy Burgers jingle
22845
Kelly: "Well, Dad, I guess this is au revoir. Mom, adidas."
22844
Al: "Peg, I'm not a cartoon; I'm almost a human being, dammit!"
22843
Al: "I'm blind and I smell like summer rain!"
22842
Fat woman 1: We're activists Mr. Bundy
Al: Apparantly not active enough
Fat woman 2: We marched yesterday
Al:What was it? Hams across America? The Million Pound march?
22841
"Mazuzu"-The Aliens
22840
Peggy: I thought a man's home was his castle?
Al: That's only if he can slay the dragon living there first
22839
Kelly: You'll never guess what I got.
Bud: A better game would be guess what you haven't got. I'll take virginity for $100, Alex.
Kelly: That's funny, nobody will take yours for less than a thousand.
22838
Al: "I Care" by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not her's, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays, I swear!
22837
Al: Peg, this is my house. If you want it to look better, dust. If you want it to smell better, cook. If you want it to be happy, leave. But do not touch this house, I am not a man happy with change.
Peggy: Well, that explains your job and your underwear.
22836
Al: A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today, said, "I'd like something I'd be comfortable in." I said, "Try Wyoming!"
22835
Al: My toilet's not a man! My Ferguson has become...Fergie!
22834
Peggy: Look, why don't you at least try the new bathroom, I put a very special feature on it. When you flush the toilet, it plays "We've Only Just Begun."
Al: Peg, you know that's our wedding song! Everytime I hear it, it freezes up my innards solid!
22833
[to Peggy]
Al: I'm gonna get me a Big Boy socket wrench set. Man, it's gonna be great. I'll go around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school.
22832
[to God]
Al: Thank you. Not even this, huh? What is it? Is Oprah right? Are you a big, fat woman? All I wanted was a 45, a stinkin' 45! The record or the gun! Hell, I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor!
22831
Peggy: Al, what should we name the baby?
Al: The Reaper?
22830
Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a firey, pus-filled death? A fat woman comes to the gate today, her mu-mu covering what must've been three or four heinies. Now, she could exit through the little, itsy-bitsy turnstyle or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming, so I had to do something. So I got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit, and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hot-wired the Enterprise, and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into the Facts of Life fan club pavillion. Thank god it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live?
22829
[after knocking Peggy up]
Al: God, I feel like Exxon, one spill, I'm paying for it the rest of my life.