The Critic Quotes
20641
Eleanor Sherman (closing out her and husband Franklin's segment in a video will): "Remember us, dears."
20640
"He won't steal the silverware, I've glued that to the ceiling."

-Franklin
20639
"make him SQUEAL!"

-Duke
20638
Hatchie MATCHIE!

-Jay
20637
Shrimp gives me gas.
Jay Sherman
20636
Duke: I think you're a big, fat toilet and flush all my money down...sort of a "Johnny Cash."
20635
Jay: Skull cracked. Brains leaking out. Can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie.
20634
Jay: Celebrity voices are impersonated. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
20633
Jay: Hotchie Motchie!
20632
[on phone]
Eleanor: Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will, we feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and happy birthday!
20631
Duke: I'm giving you five days of my time to turn you around.
Jay: What if five days isn't enough?
Duke: Son, I spent just three days with a young man named Bill Clinton and look at him now.
Jay: Maybe you should've taken four.
Duke: Yeah...
20630
Jay: Take your genitalia right back to Australia!
20629
Jay: I always have to look my sexiest. That's why I'm wearing these tight, size 42 pants.
20628
Duke: Look, this isn't art, it's just mindless pabulum for losers who can barely read. Oh that reminds me, I've got an interview with People Magazine.
20627
Gene Siskel: Well I thought that movie was very poignant. Particularly the scene where Tom Cruise walks around Las Vegas with a bucket full of his brother.
Roger Ebert: Aw, c'mon, Gene. That was just another pointless sequel that didn't need to be made.
Gene Siskel: This, from the man who liked 'Benji the Hunted?'
Roger Ebert: Hey, you liked 'Carnosaur!'
Gene Siskel: Well I bet you'll like this!
[punches thrown]
Gene Siskel: Hasta la vista, Porky!
Roger Ebert: Cue ball in the side pocket!
[punches thrown]
20626
Eleanor: Oh! Can't one dinner pass where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?
20625
Jay: On the 'Shermometer' this film rates an absolute zero! ::Brrrr!::
20624
Jay: I do have a way with women...over sixty.
20623
Shakleford: I'm sorry, Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?
20622
Adolf Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus or Rush Limbaugh.