The Monster Squad
The Goonies may have saved the neighborhood, but The Monster Squad has to save the whole world from the forces of evil.
The Monster Squad
Mo-mo-mo-mo-mo- Monster Squad! A favorite of mine for as long as I can remember. One of the top cult favorites anxiously awaiting an official DVD release. Its a kids movie that features all the things kids are now censored from: violence, swearing, sexual suggestions, theft, underage smoking, and Scary German guys.
The movie begins 100 years ago at 666 Shadowbrook Road where Van Hellsing helpsg a girl cast a vortex to suck away the demons on Earth, but he blew it. The girl gets sucked in.
Cut to the principal's office in current time. Sean and Patrick of the Monster Club are getting grilled for drawing monsters in science class to avoid dealing with cat-headed teachers and homos at school. The principal claims that Science is cool, and that Science is real, monsters are not. Ooooohhh... the foreshadowing.
Outside the school, Fat Kid is bullied from the guy who was in Wonder Years as a bully and in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure as... oh yeah, a bully. He smashes Fat Kid's Snickers and wails on him like some newbie wrestler in the WWF. Rudy from Junior High comes in on his bicycle and strikes a match on his loafers to light a cigarette. He's got on his bad ass leather jacket and sunglasses, and did I mention he's in junior high? When I was in elementary school, I never found junior high kids intimidating. If anything I found them supremely annoying and devoid of the fun of elementary school and lacking the personality of high school. To me, junior high kids were all loud, screeching droids. Apparently Rudy is an exception. He saved Fat Kid and made the bully, EJ, eat the smashed Snickers in front of a live teeny bopper audience.
Patrick is walking home with Sean, who is looking smashing in his bright red "Stephen King Rules" t-shirt. They're having a lively discussion on the Wolfman and how he needs to wear pants to hide his "Wolf Dork." They're tagged by Phoebe, Sean's annoying little sister who makes them stop and stare at the house belonging to Scary German Guy. While in their mesmerized state, Fat Kid runs up behind them screaming that Rudy saved his life and thus Rudy is recruited for the Monster Club, providing he pass a Monster Test.
Meanwhile, 2 guys are transporting dead bodies in a WW2 bomber. They hear noises, go back to check, and there is bat-form Dracula flying around. Dracula transforms, beats the pilot, and flies down the hatch. Next we see the crates falling into the swamp behind the Monster Clubhouse.
During the Monster Test, Rudy is more interested in using the binoculars in the tree house to peek at a neighbor girl unhooking her bra. He gets all the test questions right until they ask him to name 2 ways to kill a werewolf. He only lists silver bullet, but the others claim werewolves can be killed by car crash, accident with power tools, old age, or falling out of a window onto a bomb. Oh, will the foreshadowing never cease!
Sean gets called to dinner, where his mother gives him a book that was found at an old house on Shadowbrook Road. It's Abraham Van Hellsing's diary, but it's written completely in German. During dinner preparations Sean's cop father gets called downtown to deal with a man that's screaming he is a werewolf. This causes stress on the already failing relationship of his parents. But, before he gets to the station, the hysterical man is shot to death.
Now we see the monsters starting to run amuck. A 2,000 year-old mummy escapes from the museum. Wolfman rises from the dead in the coroner truck and kills the driver. Wolfman finds his way to the swamp, where he meets Dracula. The coffin containing Frankenstein is thrown out of the swamp by the Gillman and the corpse is charged back to life. Damn. How many times can you reanimate a corpse?
Here's a confusing part.... you see a message written on a marker board saying someone is interested in the Hellsing book. There's a scrambled name that the brilliant leader of the Monster Club easily decodes to "Dracula." It's amazing that Dracula has learned to assimilate so quickly. Perhaps he used the phone at Radio Shack while he was there buying batteries to recharge Frankenstein. I bet they still asked for his phone number for the battery purchase. We all know Dracula's phone number is 666-6666.
Thus the Monster Squad is formed. The first mystery of the missing mummy is solved by Eugene who states, "Mummy came in my house." Sean delivers a motivational speech stating no one will take them seriously and how only they can stop the monsters, because Goonies never say die. And Fat Kid farted. Patrick claims his sister takes German in high school, and can translate Hellsing's diary, only to be ownzed by Fat Kid's claim that, "Your sister doesn't speak German, all she does is hang around and let guys touch her tits." Touche.
Next, Dracula is in the old house on Shadowbrook Road standing in front of a statue that reminds me of the creepy old statue from "The Bride of Boogedy." The arm opens a trap door that leads to Frankenstein's cage. Dracula instructs Frankenstein to get the diary from the Monster Squad and kill them.
The kids stand outside, staring at the house of Scary German Guy. A shadow from behind creeps over them, and then.... Scary German Guy invites them in for pie. He reads them the contents of Van Hellsing's diary which claims that once ever 100 years at the stroke of midnight, the amulet can be shattered and evil will rule. You can stop evil if the amulet's possessor goes before the evil beings and performs a ceremony to open a vortex to suck in evil forever. Hellsing was to perform the ceremony the next night, which is tomorrow's date, 100 years ago!!
The Monster Squad gathers at the swamp and Sean dishes out assignments. Rudy is in charge of getting silver bullets and Fat Kid has to get a map to Shadowbrook Road. Then Phoebe runs up and shows them her new friend, the Frankenstein Monster. The Squad scrambles like chicken shits.
They convene in the clubhouse to decide what to do about Frank. But, this stiff is more worried about his own... stiff... and uses the club camera to take a picture of Patrick's sister undressing next door. There's a damper on the party when they show Frank a Frankenstein mask, making him realize how scary he is. But that's okay, because they all walk together into the sunset.
Now the Squad gets down to business. Eugene writes to the Army. Rudy makes stakes and silver bullets, and steals crossbows from the school. Rudy does most of the dirty work, maybe because he's so mature from being in junior high, or maybe it's some sort of hazing into the Monster Squad. Phoebe plays dress-up with Frankenstein. Seriously. Frankenstein is in drag. Patrick makes business cards. All Sean really does is steal his mom's silverware for Rudy to melt down for the bullets. Although, the bullet shots will be nothing compared to the shot Rudy finds when he has the club photographs developed. Frankenstein confiscates the nudie photo and holds it up to look at while all the other kids jump for it. Even Phoebe the Phebe.
Meanwhile Dracula thinks he's drugged Wolfman, but Wolfman escapes. He runs to the nearest phone booth and calls Sean's dad to warn him that Dracula is coming to kill his son, then the moonlight hits and transforms him into a werewolf.
The club splits into 2 teams. Team 1 is Fat Kid, Eugene, Sean, and Frankenstein. On their way to Shadowbrook Road, they make a pit stop at the swamp where Eugene looses a Twinkie to the Creature. Team 2, consisting of Rudy and Patrick, stay behind and question Patrick's sister about her sex life, specifically whether or not she's "been dorked." Using the nude photo as black mail, she agrees to help them with their monster ceremony. And here we see, for the first time ever on the internet... what's on the photograph Rudy flashes to Patrick's sister...
<img src="http://www.retrojunk.com/img/art-images/monster14.gif" width="221" height="150" border="0">
It appears to be a photo of a blonde girl wearing a black tank top and shorts standing in front of a house. What a huge disappointment to all the boys that wore out the "pause" button on their VCRs in hopes of seeing some boobies.
<img src="http://www.retrojunk.com/img/art-images/msquad01.gif" width="100" height="100" border="0">
Team 1 arrives at the house and goes inside just as Dracula blows a hole in the wall to get to the hidden amulet. The blast causes the ceiling to fall in on Frankenstein and crushes him. They go on without him, but are attacked by the Wolfman. Sean gives direct orders to kick Wolfman in the nards, and Fat Kid follows through.
They avoid 3 banshees, Dracula, and the wolfman then are backed up against the trick statue, pull the arm, and go flying around to the secret room like some exciting Hardy Boys adventure. They grab the amulet and try to run, but Dracula seizes Sean and is ready for the kill when... SAVE BY FAT KID! He pulls some leftover garlic pizza out of his pocket and slams it against Dracula. The burn of the garlic causes him to let go of Sean, and they all run for their lives.
Out front, a jeep pulls up with the gang and Scary German Guy. They run off to the church, but hit the Mummy on the way. Rudy ties his bandages to an arrow, and shoots it off against a tree, thus unraveling the Mummy.
Dracula arrives at the Monster Squad clubhouse, and blows the fucker to smithereens. Next he tells Sean's parents he intends to kill their son, and flies off. I suppose they shouldn't really worry. After all, science is real and monsters are not. There should be a scene right about now in the movie where the monsters ransack the school and burn down the science department right in front of the principal's eyes.
The church is locked, and the Squad tries to perform the ceremony outside. Rudy is busy fragging some banshees. Sean's dad manages to shoot Bat Dracula, then corners him in an abandoned building, ready to strike, but is attacked by the Wolfman. Sean sneaks up behind the wolfman, puts dynamite in his pants, and he falls out a window and explodes into a million tiny pieces.
<img src="http://www.retrojunk.com/img/art-images/msquad02.gif" width="100" height="100" border="0">
Patrick's sister finishes the ceremony and..... nothing. She's not really a virgin, she had sex with some guy named Steve, but says he doesn't count. Who knew ancient ceremonies were so picky about their virgins? I guess they still count anal. Luckily, Phoebe is with, and begins to repeat the German ceremony with help from the Scary German Guy.
The Wolfman reconnects himself only to be properly killed by Rudy's silver bullet. See, there's only one way to kill a werewolf. Fat Kid is running from the Gillman. He tries to hide in a store, but it's locked with EJ inside and he refuses to let Fat Kid in. Fat Kid grabs a nearby shotgun, and blows the head off of the monster. EJ comes out from hiding with a, "Hey Fat Kid... Good Job!" Fat Kid cocks his gun and replies, "My NAME... is HORACE!" DUN DUN DUN!!!
Dracula tries to interfere with the ceremony, being aided by bad lightening effects circling around him. He grabs Phoebe screaming, "GIVE ME THE AMULET, YOU BITCH!" Oh no he didn't! Frankie attacks from behind, picks the Count up, and throws him onto a metal spike. That's ONE! One vampire on a metal spike! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Finally the ceremony is complete. The portal opens, and sucks in everything like a tornado. Including poor Frankenstein, so Phoebe tosses him her stuffed puppy, Scraps, for comfort. Then everyone gets together and hugs. And here comes the cavalry.
"Who's Eugene? Where are they son, where are the monsters?"
"Mummy came in my house."
Can someone tell him what the sam hell is going on around here? They can.... they're the Monster Squad. Mo-mo-mo-mo-Monster Squad!
This article is dedicated to Brent Chalem (Fat Kid) who died Dec 9, 1997 of pneumonia. May heaven be filled with Snickers and pie, and devoid of monsters.
For other great 80s lore, check out mystiesplace.com.