Back with more choices!
March 22, 2012
Hey there. It's been a while since my last article but for a long time I've wanted to do a sequel on my Choose Your Own Adventure. For those of you not familiar with my first one, it's simple. I designed it to read like a CYOA. When you get to a choice simply find the picture of what you chose. If you want to check out the first one go to-

I deliberately mixed up the stories to give you the feel of flipping through pages. I recommend reading through a couple of times. I've put in some running gags and really tried to cover a lot of retro you'll miss if you only go through once. So without further ado, I hope you enjoy. . . . .

A Friday to Remember
Oh man, last night was the best night of your life! Wasn't it? Everyone has a blast on their 21st birthday. The thing of it is, things are a little blurry. Not just the end, the whole damn night. Not to worry though, you were out with people and somebody is bound to remember something. You reach for your cordless ready to get some answers but think better of it. “To hell with being told what happened, I'm going to relive it!” you think to yourself. You page your buddies 911 and eventually word gets out that you're going to start tonight out just like last night. Surely you'll make the same choices, and have the same night, but this time will remember it. Man you are more smartest than a fox!

You meet everyone at a bar called Hooray. You'd think they'd think of a better name for a bar, I mean come on it's not like you're cheering anyone in a bar. Everyone is at a table and knowing they are supposed to recreate last night you are welcomed with a hardy “Happy Birthday!” Ah, it's going to be a good night. Now let's see, what beer did you start out drinking last night? It's always between these two, was it. . .

Icehouse- go to picture of Icehouse
Milwaukee's Best Ice- go to picture of Milwaukee's Best Ice

Wise choice young air-runner. Your wife loves all the diamonds in this ring. It also has another upside to it. Apparently the S on the ring stands for “suck.” Which she just can't seem to do enough to your Schwartz. Happy birthday buddy.

Man this stuff has you bouncing off the walls! But this is a different kind of kick. You're drunk as hell sure, but things are starting to look weird too. The girl you tried to blow up her skirt has turned pink and has long ears now. She almost looks like, no. A bunny? You can't be seeing a bunny, and it's okay to admit it, turned on by it. The blond wearing pink tights appears to have white fur now. The girl in the jumpsuit looks like a sexy mouse. Obviously it's time to go. Fishing your keys out of your pocket you walk into the parking lot. Still shocked and confused you don't realize you're about to run into somebody. You look up and see that the parking lot of Hooray is gone. No cars, no street, nothing. There's just two guys each standing next to their own plane. A grey bear tells you that you have been chosen to claim a mighty treasure. A redheaded duck then tells you that you must choose a pilot. . . .

Bear- go to picture of Baloo
Duck- go to picture of Launch Pad

You're dead. Seriously, what were you thinking? Dale got you killed instantly.

Ah Mystique, is there a hotter blue woman? Well maybe the chick from Cabin Boy but that's mostly because she had four arms. But Mystique could morph and have six and beat her anyway. Smurfette isn't even worth mentioning. But enough about blue chicks, it's drinking time! First event of the night completed, it's time to get back to the bar and show these girls your awesome taste in body art. Back in Hooray it's really starting to get going. Now this may be the beast talking, but shit, you feel a surge of power coursing through your body. It's almost as if, yes, somehow getting the tattoo of a super villain has given you her superpowers. This is amazing! It's an odd sensation having your DNA turn into jello. Why you could be anything, a tiger, a dragon, a chick! That way you could go into the bathroom and watch them pee! Chicks watch each other pee right? You're willing to find out. You morph into a slamming hottie with a huge rack. You're in the bathroom two seconds and hear a girl scream as you get slapped across the face. Turns out you can't morph, you're only capable of getting really drunk and thinking you can. But these girl's lame boyfriends can't seem to comprehend this as they kick the crap out of you.

It's time to go. Still early in the night a buddy suggests that you all go to the carnival. Sounds cool. A quick drive and you're all stumbling around the fair enjoying yourselves. The group is headed towards the dart game that has hot naked posters when you feel a call from the arcade. Telling them you'll catch up you walk trance like into the darkly light, eerily empty video game tent. In one corner there stands two games. Well, one of them is more of a fortune reader. The plastic gypsy looks like it's staring at you with his red eyes. The other game is called Starfighter. But which one was calling you?

Gypsy- go to picture of zoltar
Game- go to picture of starfighter

You have unlimited power at your fingertips, can you possibly use this for the best outcome of mankind? Something keeps reoccurring in your mind, if he hadn't been gunned down, things might be completely different. Fate has given you the key to give back to the world the life of a great man. It's time to grow a pair and go for it.

“We're going back,” you tell Hobbes as you get into the time machine.

He pulls a lever and you get sucked into a vortex that's amazing and nauseating at the same time. You instantly learn all the secrets of the universe but can't retain them because you're too sick. After what seems like an eternity you are transported back to the place and time you wished to be. The man you have come to save has already began to talk and is ascending the scaffolding. Now where is that lone gunman?! You frantically search the maze of leather jackets, face make up, and other stylish outfits. There's that cockroach bastard! You start to run towards him trying not to draw too much attention to yourself. You have precious few feet left between you and the gunman when you can sense his readiness to fire. At an instantaneous moment you jump in front of the barrel as the roar of the gun blots out all other sound. A searing pain rams into your chest and spreads.

You did it. You chuckle mildly to yourself as your hero continues to talk trying to reassure the crowd that everything is alright. Saving this man's life will undoubtedly bring world peace. Your consciousness begins to fade and you are rewarded by hearing, “Can you dig it?”

You wake up in bed with a killer hangover and like a horse kicked you in the chest. Attempting to turn your light on, it flickers as you reach towards it. Man that shock must have been worse than you thought. Getting out of bed you look down and see that you are wearing a badass leather vest with a skull and wings on it. Awesome.

Yes the beast, one of the finest brews to grace the land. Since it's your birthday (again) you gets ta slammin. It's not long before you confuse your 21st birthday with your 18th and decide to get a tattoo. God bless America for all night tattoo shops conveniently located next to bars. Someone, somewhere, is thinking. You stumble in and are greeted by a man with an X tattooed on his forehead and wearing dark red sunglasses. For some inexplicable reason, you want to get a tattoo of a unicorn My Little Pony. Your friends being true to their word again talk you out of this insanely stupid idea. You then decide it's a choice between two hot cartoon babes. Do you get. . . .

Storm- go to picture of Storm
Mystique- go to picture of Mystique

You're dead. Seriously what were you thinking? Fighting Gizmoduck by yourself, you had no chance.

Hobbes is a classic isn't he? Even the younger generations know who he is. You tell the nice lady thanks and start to head home feeling good about yourself. Turning down the alley you still can't get a song out of your head “they're tiny, they're toony” man that song is addictive then, something growls at you. Nope. Must have imagined it. Wait, there is it again. This time, it was bordering a roar. It can't be, but you look at Hobbes and he looks right back, and winks. You drop the tiger and plant both your hands on your cheeks with a giant, “AHHHHHHHHHH!” That's when your new stuffed animal starts talking to you.

“Relax man. I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to play a game.”

“You're not real” is all you can say.

“Of course I'm real. I'm fiction. All fictional characters are made from real stuff, duh.”

Well that makes sense. After awhile of talking with Hobbes you really start to believe that he exists and that he does just want to take you on wild adventures. It just so happens that he has two inventions with him. Would you like to try. . . . .

Transmorgrifer Gun- go to picture of gun
Time Machine- go to picture of time machine

You're dead. Seriously what were you thinking? That Drewish Princess zap-fried your nuts the first time you pissed her off and you bled to death.

The weather witch, the incredibly hot megababe, Storm. You wouldn't think that a mostly naked cartoon woman with mist surrounding her could be classy, but your arm is living proof that it can. First event of the night completed, it's time to get back to the bar and show these girls your awesome taste in body art. Back in Hooray it's really starting to get going. Now this may be the beast talking, but shit, you feel a surge of power coursing through your body. It's almost as if, yes, somehow getting the tattoo of a superhero has given you her superpowers. This is amazing! You slowly bring your hand up to your face and stare at it in awe. The power to sustain worlds, help billions, in the palm of your hand. This is a mighty gift bestowed upon you and you must not abuse it. So pointing your hand at the nearest girl you let out a hefty breeze to blow her skirt up. Except, nothing happens. You try repeatedly but to the same effect. It appears that you do have Storm's powers but you don't know how to use them. You want wind, but all the girls just get icy. To hell with it, it's time to do some serious drinking. You notice that the bar is selling a peculiar new drink that's supposed to mess you up, but there's always the old go to. Do you get. . . .

Gummi Berry Juice- go to picture of Gummi Berry Juice
Mad Dog 20/20- go to picture of Mad Dog 20/20

He'll be fine, he just needs to walk it off right? But he's not breathing, don't people normally breathe? You're no doctor so you try not to think about it. You arrive to Bernie's frat with two of you holding him up by each arm. You keep thinking this isn't going to work and are ready to book it when the door opens.

“Bernie! You crazy bastard where were you?”

“He's had a bit too much Mad Dog for the night.”

“Well, it's not the first time, and certainly won't be his last, come on in guys!”

Holy crap that worked. You and the rest of your living friends get Bernie up to his room and plop him on his futon. You know what, you didn't know Bernie that good and honestly he was a jerk most of the time. But you know that he'd want you to have a good time tonight so you're not going to let a minor thing like his death get in the way. And did you see all the bunny puntang in this house! Rummaging through Bernie's colognes it's now a decision of what scent is going to get you the ladies. Will it be. . . .

Old Spice- go to picture of Old Spice
Drakkar- go to picture of Drakkar

Icehouse is a great beer for getting messed up quick and it does its job, a little too well. You're having a good night with your buddies but the rumbling in your tummy says otherwise. It's time to go. It's your birthday so everyone understands when you walk out the door muttering a few sounds that resemble the words good bye. As you're walking home the fresh air starts to revive you and you feel a lot better. You're about half way home when you see a nice old lady closing up her stuffed animals shop. She sees you and smiles but doesn't see that her sign is about to fall and smash her. Sprinting with everything you have you dive and push her out of the way just in time! The sign crashes harmlessly a few feet away from both of you. But a spare wire lands on your leg and gives you one hell of a shock. You're frazzled, but ok. The old lady is so thankful that she opens up her store back up and insists on giving you a free animal. You tell her it's alright she doesn't owe you anything but she won't let up until you pick something. Alright, it's almost your niece's birthday so what the heck. You know her two favorite characters, but which one should you get?

Winnie the Pooh- go to the picture of Pooh
Hobbes- go to picture of Hobbes

This space game is pretty cool and you're a natural at it. It's like you were made to play this game. Your hands glide over the control and you know what the game is going to do before it does it. Unbelievably you've managed to beat the game your first time playing it! But instead of seeing your name on the high score the screen displays, TURN AROUND. You look over your shoulder and see an old man wearing a funny hat.

“Come with me” is all he says.

“Hey come on man, I didn't do anything wrong” you tell the guy.

“You're not in trouble young man, in fact, you may be the only one that can prevent it.”

Turns out this game was actually a test to find a gunner worthy of an important mission. The last princess in the entire galaxy has been kidnapped and needs to be rescued. She's of Drewish origin so this is a very delicate operation and your skills are the only ones capable of taking on the dreaded Space Nuts.
Hell with it, you're game. You blast into space with the old man and are paired up with some sort of half dog, half man creature. It can talk and says his name is Ralph. With your pilot and a box of Cracker Jacks you're ready for your mission. Which turns out to be pretty damn easy. It's like this army is run by an idiot that can't remember the combination to his luggage. Princess saved, it's not long before you two fall madly in love. You propose and she accepts! Some golden midget gives you two rings. You must pick one to be her wedding ring. One ring is a cobra with an open mouth on it, the other a diamond filled S. You pick. . . . .

Cobra- go to picture of Dark Helmet
S- go to picture of Schwartz ring

You're dead. Seriously, what were you thinking? You crashed and burned.

As if hanging out with Hobbes isn't cool enough, he brought a time machine! This is going to be awesome. He warns you though that there's only enough time juice to make one jump. So what's it going to be?

Past- go to picture of the caveman
Future- go to picture of the flying car

At first you are hesitant to board the golden vessel. But after a while you warm to your pilot. He's an easy going guy with some interesting stories. Apparently he came from some pretty humble beginnings and really worked his way up to become a pilot. Gotta respect a guy like that. You're just about to land when you are attacked!
“Oh shit!” he yells. “It's the C.O.P.S, and I'm smuggling over 1,000 kilos of heroin man!”

“What the f*ck!” is what you respond with.

“Put on a pack and jump, you'll make it. Once you land look for a giant tree. In the tree there will be a red balloon attached to a tooth paste container. Don't ask questions! Jump!”

With no choice you strap on the pack and decide to jump. It's either that or jerk off right? With a fear you never thought possible you dive to your certain doom. But your inexperience with skydiving has actually saved your life. Since you didn't know how to deploy the chute, you fell far enough to be out of range of the C.O.P.S before it opened. You land unsteady but thankful to be alive. Relieving the gummi berry juice from your stomach you feel pretty good now. Finding the tree was easy since there was only one. Approaching the mighty oak you see two creatures. One is wearing a leather coat and a hat like Indiana Jones. The other, a hawaiian shirt.

“I will be your guide.”

“Duh, no you won't, I will!”

You choose. . . .

Leather jacket- go to picture of Chip
Hawaiian shirt- go to picture of Dale

You're in jail, getting gang banged and you deserve it. You tried leaving your dead buddy behind a dumpster and were instantly caught and imprisoned. A-hole.

To the future it is. You've seen what the past was like in movies, it's time to experience something completely new. Hobbes asks you how far into the future you want to go. Not sure, you just tell him you want to go far enough to see big changes in the world. Wow did you get your money's worth. The time machine transports you to the year 4101. But not only that, your brain has been implanted with the knowledge of what has happened since you left. It took them a while, but humans finally managed to kill themselves off. The weapons of the time drastically changed the atmosphere forever. Making the air heavy with liquids and difficult to breathe. Sea creatures again needed to evolve to become land animals because of all the pollution in the water. This has led to two new super races.

On one side, you have humanoid turtles. They're fast, sleek, and intelligent. Vowing not to make the same mistakes as humans, they war using traditional weapons such as bows, swords, nun chucks, and other old fighting weapons. You and Hobbes landed in an open field and from your right these turtles start to approach you. It was foretold that an ancient one would come back and lead the righteous to victory. As the leader is in the middle of explaining your essential role in restoring a peaceful future, you see what's coming from the left.

Walking, talking, sharks. These things are massive. Their bodies are also humanoid in nature, but like a human that's been on roids for decades. A mouthful of teeth bigger than your finger smiles at you. You don't smile back. This is what they want you to defeat? The group of turtles starts to back away and you follow suit. One brave turtle comes up and addresses the stud sharks.

“This is our savior! And he has the power!”

“Oh really?” responds the leader shark.

He then crunches your time machine in one mighty bite. Crap. Pretty sure Hobbes was still in there so he won't be much help now. With the time machine gone all hope drains from your body of leaving this nightmare. Yet, something is drawing you to it. A turtle towards the back is wearing a bright red hat with a yellow M on it. You can't believe your inner fashion sense if kicking in now, but if you're going out, you're going out in style. In a full sprint you zoom past the turtle while snagging the hat. Putting it on while still running you again feel sparks shooting through your body. What feels like your brain exploding is actually a portal door opening before your eyes! As you jump into the portal you can feel teeth chomping the air where you just were. The portal then chews you up and spits you out into another world.

My God it's nice to see real people again. Well mostly real people anyway. Everyone on this planet is part human, part metal. Nickel perhaps? No something nicer. Maybe titanium. Everyone is in awe of your body completely composed of flesh. They've been waiting for you. This again creeps you out a bit. It has been told that a human of mighty power and wisdom will come and repopulate the planet with fully flesh humans . But this time you are free to choose. They have the technology to transport you back to your own time and place, or you can stay and fulfill your destiny.

Stay- go to picture of silverhawks
Go- go to picture of red slippers

Mad Dog 20/20, helping the young and poor get drunk for cheap for hundreds of years. Also the key to vomiting every color of the rainbow. But it's your birthday, so to hell with it! After a Banana Red, Hawaiian Blue, Black Currant, Pink Grapefruit, and an Orange Jubilee (all real flavors) you are feeling mighty fine. Your crazy buddy Bernie has done double shots for each of your single, crazy bastard. Slamming down his cup he huddles everyone in to reveal his secret. Turns out he had his fraternity put together a playboy party in your honor tonight. No dudes, just a bunch of slutty girls all dressed up as bunnies. The house is on strict orders not to let anyone in unless they are with him. What the hell are you waiting for? All of you stumble out ready for the night of your lives.

Bernie takes in a deep breath and exclaims, “It's good to be alive!”

Then instantly falls over dead. Shit. Poor sweet Bernie. He was caring, generous, and your friggen way into the party! A crazy thought runs through your head. This wouldn't be the first time you had to help him home because he was too loaded. Could you get him to his room and then let God sort it out? You could, or you could just leave him behind and try to get into the party on your own.

On your own- go to picture of a dumpster
Pretend he's still alive- go to picture of Bernie

Furry Indiana shoots a flare right into Roboduck's eyes giving you the chance to jump back into the tunnel. You hear that monster roaming back and forth looking for you, not good. “What am I going to do?” you think to yourself. Your new buddy can see the trouble on your face and just gives you a sly smile.

“I got this hot piece back at my tree. Not only is she smoking gorgeous, she's also an inventor. Some time back her retarded cousin needed and advantage in the police force. He was a bumbling idiot and was likely to get himself killed. She made a cybernetic suit with all sorts of weapons. Since she gave it to her cousin, he's already made inspector. She loved the suit so much she decided to make another. Here you go brother, best of luck.”

You're a bit skeptical since this “armor” is nothing more than a trench coat and a stupid looking hat. But once you put it on you can feel billions of electronic pulses beaming through your body. You can feel the shift of power as you become much more than a man. Now, you have the power.

Go Go Gadget legs! You spring up through the ground with a mighty explosion of dirt. You land solidly next to your opponent with your head down. Slowly looking up you tell this metal chump his ass is grass and you're the lawnmower.

Taking that as a cue his hands turn into blades. You counteract with Go Go Gadget buzz saw. You clash with sparks and a terrible smell of burnt metal. Metal mallard backs up and attempts to blow you up with a rocket launcher but you take it out with your Go Go Gadget laser and blow it off his shoulder. He tries to shoot you again with guns, rockets, lasers, and wait, did he just throw a tv at you? Your armor puffs up like a balloon and deflects the barrage. His load spent, he's panting and thinking of his next attack. But now it's your turn, and no more of this pussy gun battle. Taking a fighters stance you pull a dagger from your pocket and hold it in front of you.

Your dagger has now turned into a full on killing broadsword. A mighty spring loaded leap sends you catapulting through the air in a 360 motion. At the last second you swing with all your might slicing the duck in half. He lays on the ground twitching, sparks shooting. He is stuck in a loop and is repeating the sound, bla, bla, bla, bla.

“Blathering Bitch” you say to this punk. It's time to collect your well earned treasure.

Someone figured out the smell of awesomeness and put it in a bottle and now you're wearing it. You walk straight up to the hottest bunny in the room and start up a conversation. She admits to being turned on when Bugs Bunny dresses up like a girl and you can't help but blurt out you love her. She giggles and comes in for a kiss. Is that Vanilla Fields she's wearing? Oh yes, the female version of awesomeness. She takes you home and you two do it like rabbits for the next 36 hours. Happy birthday buddy.

You're dead. Well not really dead, but dead inside. After seriously injuring yourself trying to pound metal vagina with your meat hammer you are defeated. Openly mocked on this planet you are so emasculated you can't even get up the courage to go back home. As you live out your lonely life the only thought you are now capable of is how much prophecies and metal vaginas suck.

You're a little unsure what a transmorgrifer gun does but Hobbes does a good job explaining. Basically the person being shot with the gun will turn into whatever the person shooting thinks them to be. Cool. You just tell Hobbes what you want to be and he'll make it happen, Cap'n. Well let's see, you've always wanted to know what it'd be like to fly. You tell Hobbes to turn you into a pterodactyl. He squirts you, right in the crotch the jerk, but it doesn't matter as your clothes disappear and you get ancient reptilian skin in its place. Stretching out your enormous wings you shoot into the air. You soar high into the air and feel more powerful with every beat of your wings. This is pure ecstasy. For those who have never had a transmorgrifer gun you can only explain it in two words- gotta have it. You come back down and want to try something different. The speed of a cheetah, the strength of a bear, you turn into a giant dog and take a massive dump on your ex-girlfriends lawn. You can't get enough! You keep telling Hobbes new and more exotic things. You're not being so nice about it either.

You tell Hobbes, “Hurry it up bitch!” and that's the last straw.

Hobbes looks at you with a malicious, horny grin and squirts you again. You can't move. Not only does Hobbes have the power to transmorgrify you, but the gun has the power to bound and gag as well. Hobbes has turned you into a very sexy she-tiger. All wrapped up for him.

“Who's the bitch? Well buddy, your little hamster huey is about to get gooey and go kablooie.”

Lining up your quarter, you make your wish. Thinking how you just got the crap kicked out of you for a simple misunderstanding you can only think of one thing. I want to be big. Then I'd show those bastards what's what. Quarter deposited the gypsy gives you a card saying “wish granted,” he waves, and says “Thank you come again.” Moment over, you laugh at yourself and catch up with the rest of the guys. The rest of the night is cool. Games, rides, and sugar coated fried stuff. You go home to sleep off an awesome birthday.
You wake up with a monster headache. I mean this thing is BIG. Not really remembering all of the events that happened last night you start to go through your pockets. But you try to get your hand into your front pocket and it won't go. It's being blocked by something. You unzip your pants with a feeling of dread of what you're going to find. It's the absolute biggest dick you've ever seen. Your front pocket now free you reach in and pull out a card that says, “wish granted.”

The metal men lay you on a table and prepare to blast you with their supersonic time ray. Man you must have balls of steel to go through with this. Wait, it's because you don't that you're leaving in the first place, never mind. A flash of blue light and then you are nowhere. Floating around in nothingness you look at your body. It's blue! And you have spikes from the top of your head all the way down your back. For some reason you have this irresistible urge to run. So you do. Faster and faster you go. You can feel time slow down as you speed up. The heat you're creating while running is unbelievable! You can feel yourself transforming yet again. This time, into a car. You must be going 888 miles per hour! Your scrotum has turned into this wish bone sorta thing and is fluxing. Once you hit 888 your sack flashes and you explode in a white light of ecstasy. You wake up next to Kathy Ireland realizing you had the most amazing night of your life and can't remember it, again.

After looking around the shop you see tucked at the very back of a shelf a life size Winnie the Pooh. Perfect. Along with Rainbow Bright and Care Bears, your sister loves Pooh and so does her daughter. As you reach for the bear you feel an icy hand grasp your shoulder with surprising strength.

“You don't want that one” says the old lady, “please find a different toy.”

Now you are intrigued. Everyone knows that if someone doesn't want you to have something it means that that thing is super cool.

“Come on lady, I saved your life, this is the one I want.”

“Alright young man but remember, bears shouldn't eat honey after midnight.”

What an odd old lady. Maybe she caught some sparks too. You take your treasure and examine it on the walk home. Maybe it's an antique or something to make it valuable and thus the reluctance of the old lady. It seemed like a normal stuffed animal until it said, “Hi!” You didn't feel any electronics or batteries in this thing, how the hell did it talk? That must be what makes it so valuable. It has some new technology to make it talk but is still super fluffy.

“Are you hungry?” the bear asks. “We should totally hit up McDonalds. I'm jonesing for a happy meal.”

Delusional or not, the bear makes a good point. What does it matter if a stuffed animal is talking to you? It IS time for a happy meal. You find an all night Mc D's since it's about bar time and walk in. Pooh has already instructed you what he wants since he thinks it'd be best if he waits outside. Not everyone is cool as you when it comes to talking stuffed animals. So you order a bunch of double cheeseburgers from the dollar menu (plain of course) and one chicken nugget happy meal to go. As you're about to walk out you quick turn around and ask for extra honey for the nuggets, Pooh was very clear on how much he digs the honey.

Back in your room you're about to rip into your first burger when Pooh rips open his honeys and sucks them back like a binge drinker. Holy crap he's licking the sides to get it all! Just as he was about to get the last drop, his tummy grumbles. That's what you get for eating a pound of honey Pooh. But it wasn't his tummy, Pooh was snarling at you. Before your eyes Pooh transforms into a monster. His skin turns greenish and scaly. He grows large fangs and claws. On top of his head is a pure white mohawk. Wait this is just like that movie, what was it called? Little Monsters? Yeah that was it. And the only way to defeat this Pooh gone wrong is to blast him with high voltage light. If you could lure him to the baseball field at the park near your house you know how to turn on all the lights, but can you risk getting there and guarantee that he'll follow? Maybe it's best to make a trap at home.

Lights- go to picture of baseball field
Home- go to picture of washing machine

Furry Indiana pulls a branch and opens up a secret tunnel. Cool trick. After a decent walk you emerge above ground next to the biggest building you've ever seen. It's mostly white but there's a gargantuan golden money sign on the front and a red dome on top. Inconspicuous right? Why not just have a neon sign that says rob me? You're thinking to yourself how this is going to be a cake walk when terminator duck wheels into your path. This monstrosity hovers over 6 feet and stares you down through some pretty badass shades. No legs, this duck modified his armor with one of those wheelie things you used to do pushups with. Megaduck bellows out with a, “You shall not pass!”

Oh boogers. There's no way you can beat this thing head to head. But maybe, just maybe you can out run it. Come on, it's on one friggen wheel and incredibly top heavy. Just when you're about to make your move your furry friend yells and motions for you to come over. What do you do champ?

Fight on your own- go to picture of Mac
Follow Chip- go to picture of Inspector Gadget

You're dead. Apparently bright lights only kill monsters and gremlins. Not possessed mutating stuffed animals, retard.

Trying to see all the outcomes but only processing for a second you realize it's just too dangerous to let this thing get outside. You have an idea for a plan starting but you'll need a little time to set it up. You look frantically around the room for something that'll stop Pooh momentarily. There! On your night stand is the cylinder that will save your life. Pooh is pointing his grubby claws at you and smirking. You grab the item and throw it knowing there's a million in one chance that, it'll land on his finger! Pooh looks at the object around his finger and laughs. He then sticks his finger into the other side and grasps it with his thumb to pull it off. But something's wrong. The harder he pulls the tighter it gets. His smirk turns into a snarl and lets out a roar of frustration. Thank you China, you actually made something good. Now, you've got a little time to set up this sonnabitch once and for all.

It took a while but your trap is complete. Down in the basement you overloaded the washing machine so it would leak suds everywhere. Forming the slippery suds into a line you laid the track for Pooh's demise. First he'll come running down the stairs and slip on the suds and go careening towards the jar of honey hanging on a string, he'll get douched with honey and will still be sliding towards Onyx (your metal horse) who will kick him into the neighbors green house were you stacked a large pile of sugar you gathered from a truck accident that will gather a bunch of bees that will then want the honey and sting Pooh to death trying to get it. The perfect plan. You are gloating inwardly when Pooh has finally reached the top of the stairs and freezes you with look. He charges down the stairs right into the suds line and. . . . . . . goes right into the washing machine that slams shut and activates. You hear wild beating against the machine for a few seconds and then it ceases. Tentatively you approach the machine and open it. Inside you see a regular, clean stuffed bear.

Well that sucks, all that work for nothing. But you make a mental note to figure out who put acid in your drink and beat the crap out of them tomorrow.

You're at home crying and whacking it with the phrase, “You smell like my dad” ringing through your ears from every girl you talked to. Loser.
More Articles From alteredbeast
An unhandled error has occurred. Reload Dismiss