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Dad:Hey, this is my lawn! Who rakes it? Who mows it? Louie: *I* do. Dad: Who asked you?
-Dad Louie Dad: Hey Grunewald, ever hear of a doorbell? Grunewald: I don't wanna wake everybody up.
-Dad Grunewald Dad: [doorbell rings] If that's another one of them salesman, I'm gonna... Mom: You're gonna what? Dad: Uh... Invite them in for dessert.
-Dad Mom [narrating] The Anderson name has been dragged through the mud, and I was just the man to hose it off.
-Louie Anderson That's right, I want that apology in writing. In triplicate. Got it? No wait a minute, make it three copies.
-Dad Mrs. Stillman: [Insulted] Well, I'll come back later Louie when you're not so *crowded*.
-Mrs. Stillman Computers. Ha ha. There's a real growth industry. A passing fad if I ever heard one.
-Dad I'm supposed to be your caddy *and* carry your clubs?
-Louie Motorist: Yo, I'll give you $50 for it. Dad: How'd you like to eat this house? Rafter by rafter, nail by nail, limb from limb!
-Motorist Dad My boy is as American as those French fries you're eating.
-Dad Dad: Louie! Check the Santa. Make sure it's grounded! Louie: Make sure you're grounded! Dad: I heard that!
-Dad Louie '[Hanging onto rain gutter] Hurry up, you kids, I'm losing my grip!' '[Sarcastically] You can say that again.' 'I heard that!'
-Dad Grunewald 'He offered $5,000?' 'Bud, Dad, you love that car.' 'Well I love your mother but for $5,000!' 'Dad, you don't mean that.'
-Dad Louie Dad: [Listening to radio] Aw good it's a fishing show. Ah! It's a Christmas show disguised as a fishing show. Wouldn't you know it there's a Santa on the boat. Louie: [sarcastically] Now there's Christmas spirit. Dad: I heard that!
-Dad Louie Dad: Hey Louie! It's a scheduled holiday, kid! It's Paint the Garage Day!
-Dad Louie: [about the Christmas tree] Dad! It's crooked! Dad: Put it by the TV. No one will notice. For 35 bucks that tree should dance!
-Louie Dad Look it Louisa May Alcott
-Glen Glen Louie: To Lou, best friends forever "Big G". Big G?
Glen Glen: Yep! That's me Big G, you can be little G if you like.
-Louie and Glen Glen What are you a peeping LOU?!
-Glen Glen
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