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Does anybody have anything that they'd like to gesture? Anything at all? I don't think that particular gesture is necessary........Al.
-Marcy Ohhh Peg! Do I have to?
-Al A man's castle is his pants.
-Al Bundy WOOOOOOO BUNDY!
-The Bundys What chu talking about, Bundy?
-Gary Coleman Al: How was your day today, Peg? Anything interesting happen on the couch?
Peg: Well, actually...
Al: I don't care.
-Al and Peg I married you til death do us part. Which means when I'm dead I'm free to date.
-Al (to Peg) Marcy: We should just try doing something to keep our minds off the storm. How about mad lips? Someone give me a verb.
Al: Cluck.
Marcy: Now someone give me a command.
Ariel: Cluck you?
Al: *Smiles at Ariel* I like you.
Marcy: Let's just pl
-Al, Marcy, Ariel Uh Steve. Bundys we don't fly coach. Yeah! Bundys fly first class or Bundys don't fly.
-Al Peg: (Yelling to Steve)Hi Mom! What do you want?
Steve: (Yelling to Peg)Your recipe for raisinn bread!
Peg: (Yelling to Steve)Tell her to get a loaf of bread, a box of raisins, and a hammer! Bud: Thanks Dad. But there's something you need to know. You see, if you pour a gallon of knowledge into a shot glass of a brain, you're gonna spill something. In other wise, certain knowledge had to be sacrificed in Kelly's head.
Al: Like what?
*Door bell*
Kelly: What was that?
Bud: ...That's the door bell.
Kelly: Oh...who's the old guy?
Bud: ...That's Dad. Marcy: *Singing* "Who's the guy whose show is done? Who's tv hero's on the run? Who'll be watching VH1? Loser Al, loser Al, loser Al!!" Peg: Okay Al, guess what's under the sheet?
Al: Peg, if I didn't like that game in bed, why would I like it now? Let's Rock!!!
Al's most often used line before a fight. Al Bundy: "I wonder what the poor people are doing..." Peggy: I hate barbecues. I hate Labor Day. I hate watching buzzards circle while I'm having sex. Al: I hate Christmas. Mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, "I want this! Get me this! I have to have this!" then there's the children. And they're all by my store, cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, ho, ho!" all day long, so nice as can be, I go outside and ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So, I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. The beard comes off, all the kids start crying, and I'm the bad guy! Al: Christmas is not the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for. Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for 17 years now, can't we just be friends?
Peggy: No. I don't like you, I just wanna have sex with you. Kelly: I don't wanna sit around the house all day and sleep. It's like being at school.
Al: No, the difference between here and school is, you'll be outta here when you're eighteen. Marcy: I don't know why we even need bras.
Al: Well, I think it's to keep your breasts off the plate when you eat. Marcy: You know what would happen if men had breasts?
Al: We wouldn't need women anymore?
Peggy: And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need batteries anymore.
Al: That's what happened to my Die Hard! Al: Greetings, vultures. Your meal ticket's here. Al: See, this is a holiday for the working guy. Celebrates all the people who work, so that all of the people who don't get to live longer and have more than he does. So, tomorrow, unless God willing I die in my sleep, I get up for me, and celebrate for me. Tomorrow, is Al Bun-Day. Al: We all have to live with our disappointments. I, of course, have to sleep with mine.
Peggy: Is that its new name? Al: [to the Ferguson] Daddy loves you!
Peggy: What does that toilet have that I don't?
Al: A job. Al: So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up I know it's not going to get any better, till I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered-down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no uphoulsty, no gas, and six more payments, to fight traffic just for the priviledge of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. Cause despite it all, me and every other guy who will never be what he wanted to be, are still out there being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner! Steve: Al, I'm horny, what are you gonna do about it? [reading Kelly's report card]
Al: F, F, F, D. What happened, Kel, you attend one? Al: $1750 for a tent to put over a house. Listen, why don't we just borrow one of your mother's mu-mus?
Aw hell, if she doesn't wash it, we won't have to pay for the poison either. Woman: I need shoes!
Al: Well, the blacksmith's right around the corner. Steve: I'm going to the game next week with Al.
Marcy: My mother's coming over next week.
Steve: Oh yeah? She gonna teach you how to bury me like she buried her three husbands?
Marcy: Steve! Are you implying that their suicides had something to do with mother? Peggy: Hard day?
Al: Yeah, you?
Peggy: Oh, yeah.
Al: It must've been, even the TV's sweating. Peggy: Would you for once think about me? I am at home all day alone. You're out there around people all the time.
You know, I need some fun too.
Al: Too? Oh sure, on the surface selling women's shoes is fun. But once you cut through all the hype, the myths, the glamour, it's really very much like any minmum wage paying slow death. Al: Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm, this was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here and a no kids there, a hooker coming over on Friday night. Big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y! Peggy: Question two, who would you rather spend the night with? A: Your wife, or B--
Al: B. Marcy: All I know is I woke up this morning with a man in my bed. I don't even know who he is.
Al: Well, that's easy, he slept with you, he's the stupidest man on Earth.
Peggy: Al, we're talking about sex, leave it to those who do it. Al: Why doesn't the world die?! Kelly: Daddy, we don't have any food.
Al: My underwear has no elastic. Take it up with June Cleaver here. Peggy: Al, sweetheart, you banged your head tonight. You are having a hallucination. You're probably seriously hurt and need medical attention. Now go to sleep. Al: Oh, Peg, it was horrible. Sixteen straight hours of shoe selling mayhem. Last thing I remember, I was down on one knee, waiting on an over-flowing glacier of a woman. First thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman is when you get a fat one in the chair, never look up. I looked up, Peg! I saw underwear! It said "Saturday!"
Peggy: So, what?
Al: Today's Wednesday! Al: Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and...they stole my socks!
Peggy: Honey, were they green before or after they touched your socks? Bud: When I was a freshman they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool. So they let me flush it myself. But now, I'm a senior, ready to rule. This year, he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
Kelly: Until he goes to sleep. Peggy: Hi, honey, did you miss me?
Al: With every bullet so far. Kelly: Pleasures of the flesh muddy the thinking.
Peggy: She's right, you know. I saved myself for marriage.
Al: Oh, come on! The football team retired *her* jersey! Bud: Just you and me now, Buck boy.
Buck: Uh-oh, I've seen porno films that start like this. Marcy: We prefer to be called "gyno-Americans."
Al: Then "rhino-Americans" it is! Al: Women, can't live with em, can't herd em all into Canada. Marcy: Guess what, we're going to have a new addition to our family.
Al: Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch? Al: You see, Aaron, I've been married to Peg for over twenty years. I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back. I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch, I've seen her on her stupid couch. I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big, red wife. Woman: See, I told you I was a four.
Al: No, ma'am, "Fore!" is what you'll have to yell when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?
Woman: Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
Al: I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that's satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo!" and I'll stop.
Woman: That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere!
Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig? Woman: I want my money back! These shoes you sold me are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once and they split at the sides.
Al: Well, let me explain, see it's just like an elevator, there's a two-ton weight limit on these shoes. What's say I nail the soles directly to your feet. It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Woman: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs? Marcy: I guess about a month ago when you came over to borrow a soda and we said "Take whatever you want," you might've misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.
Al: Hey, I didn't steal your bra! Peggy: Now sit up, shut up and brace yourself!
Al: Wait a second, Peg, remember the kids are here. Now if you wanna have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave. Peggy: Okay, Honey, now it's time to do your chores.
Al: Wait a second, Peg, we had sex three nights ago. I'm still kinda woozy.
Peggy: The garbage, Al. The longer of the two jobs.
Al: And the more rewarding.
[Al picks up garbage bag which rips and spills the contents]
Peggy: Don't you even know how to do that?
Al: Well thanks, Peg. Now it's exactly like sex. Peggy: Marcy, let me tell you a little something about men. You see, nature played a very cruel joke on them. It gave them a source of pleasure, but in order for it to work, the blood has to leave the brain. And you see it leaves them confused, disoriented and eager to enter into negotiations. Because the brain wants that blood back. You see, it needs it to go to work, to pay for all those things it agreed to only moments before.
Matilda: I don't understand it, I was a size six before aerobics class. All that jumping must've expanded my foot.
Al: Then I see you must've fallen on your butt a time or two.
Matilda: How dare you say that to my face!
Al: I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas! Woman: I want my money back. These shoes fell apart after one day and I wanna know why.
Griff: Well, you see ma'am, this is a pliant heel with a cork filling.
Al: Whereas you are a giant seal with a pork filling. Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six "D" batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile in broad daylight.
Peggy: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark. Al: Ooh, Peg, look, car bras.
Peggy: The Dodge does not need a car bra.
Al: Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom. See, it's even in her size -- "Astrovan." [after knocking Peggy up]
Al: God, I feel like Exxon, one spill, I'm paying for it the rest of my life. Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a firey, pus-filled death? A fat woman comes to the gate today, her mu-mu covering what must've been three or four heinies. Now, she could exit through the little, itsy-bitsy turnstyle or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming, so I had to do something. So I got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit, and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hot-wired the Enterprise, and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into the Facts of Life fan club pavillion. Thank god it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live? Peggy: Al, what should we name the baby?
Al: The Reaper? [to God]
Al: Thank you. Not even this, huh? What is it? Is Oprah right? Are you a big, fat woman? All I wanted was a 45, a stinkin' 45! The record or the gun! Hell, I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor! [to Peggy]
Al: I'm gonna get me a Big Boy socket wrench set. Man, it's gonna be great. I'll go around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school. Peggy: Look, why don't you at least try the new bathroom, I put a very special feature on it. When you flush the toilet, it plays "We've Only Just Begun."
Al: Peg, you know that's our wedding song! Everytime I hear it, it freezes up my innards solid! Al: My toilet's not a man! My Ferguson has become...Fergie! Al: A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today, said, "I'd like something I'd be comfortable in." I said, "Try Wyoming!" Al: Peg, this is my house. If you want it to look better, dust. If you want it to smell better, cook. If you want it to be happy, leave. But do not touch this house, I am not a man happy with change.
Peggy: Well, that explains your job and your underwear.
Al: "I Care" by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not her's, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays, I swear! Kelly: You'll never guess what I got.
Bud: A better game would be guess what you haven't got. I'll take virginity for $100, Alex.
Kelly: That's funny, nobody will take yours for less than a thousand. Peggy: I thought a man's home was his castle?
Al: That's only if he can slay the dragon living there first "Mazuzu"-The Aliens Fat woman 1: We're activists Mr. Bundy
Al: Apparantly not active enough
Fat woman 2: We marched yesterday
Al:What was it? Hams across America? The Million Pound march?
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