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Yep. Yep. Mmhmm. Yep.
-Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer in the alley Luanne, just when I think that you have said the stupidest thing, you keep talking!
-Hank I like my men like I like my drinks, tall, sweet and under an umbrella.
-Bill We're pre-teens, damnit!
-Bobby Hank, I can't have your son goin around kicking people in the testicles
-Principal "Hey dad, I like beer!" (Hank does his classic "whuuuh")
-Bobby Dale:Dont you patronize me!
-Dale Hank:Why does the contents od my underpants have to do with National Security?
-Hank Hank:Why does the contents of my underpants have to do with National Security?
-Hank Dale:Peggy, you go die over there
-dale hank Hill, Stricklin Propane
-Hank Stupid rednecks.
-Kahn Poor connie? poor me! i had to learn about super ebsorbency!
hank I hate hate! - luann Hank: Oh my God, Its so juicy!
Bobby: Ahh! Hank: EWW! I hate boys like that! Hank: I just had phone sex! *twichs* Bobby: Its not smut! Its radio disney! Dale: What do you got under Mr.Party Pooper? Some party poop? Hank:There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed! Bobby: Thats my purse! I don't know you! Khan: Don't explain a homerun, you'll have a heart attack
Hank: That boy ain't right. John Redcorn: There was that song I wrote about killing myself. I could re-write it so it's about personal hygeine.
"Wake up, I want to... wash myself,
Clean my wrists,
Scrub my brains out."
Hank: Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn? Hank: I need a gnome. Not just any gnome, a Winklebottom.
Salesman: A Winklebottom? Why not just ask me to move a rainbow?
Hank: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or just weird.
Peggy: You be careful too, Hank. You're going down there with a liver, two kidneys and no timeshare. I expect you to come back the same way.
Hank: If an at-risk kid can't get me to order Sports Illustrated, no one's going to sell me a timeshare.
Dale: This neighborhood is turning into Melrose Place. Bobby: Hey Dad if you're God, I guess that makes me Jesus. Peggy: Ho yeah! Hank: I tell ya what Judge: And let the record show that Mr. Hank Hill really knows his pornography.
Hank: Thank you, your honor!
Hank: Look at that one, bouncing around in front of God and everybody. Would it kill a tree if she wore a bra? Ranger: Sir, you lied to me, you lied to this little boy, and I don't know what you did to this gentleman in his underwear! Hank: I tell you what, this family goes through microwaves like other families go through shoes. Peggy: Bye Hank, enjoy the Selfish Bowl! Hank: America is my country and I love her. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural. Cotton: Sorry I'm late, I had to stop by the wax museum again and give the finger to FDR. Bobby: What will a level three [tornado] do, Mr. Gribble?
Dale: Level three will send an egg through a brick wall. Tornado chasers call it "Humpty's Revenge." Bobby: To the Flowers of Time! Bobby: Remember dad, loud is not allowed. Young Hank: I want my binky back. Bobby: Lou-ANNE! What's up girlfriend? Dale: Sha-Sha-Shaw! Hank: Thatherton! Kahn: One good thing about other hillbillies, at least they all pass out by nine o'clock. This guy needs to shut up or get stronger moonshine. Bobby: You know, it's weird, Dad, but I don't even totally understand what propane is.
Hank: Well, no one will ever totally understand Sweet Lady Propane. Peggy: Jeff Gordon is handsome, and he's a great champion.
Luanne: He's the world's fastest Christian. Hank: Bobby, I know you're probably pretty upset with me right now, but one day you'll understand how much love it takes to crush a little boy's dream. Alabaster: Yo, how much you want for that Jasper brunette?
Hank: That is my wife!
Alabaster: Man, that's the biggest mistake a pimp could make, marryin' one of his hos. Hank: I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County. I play it straight up, yo. You get the hell out of my hood. She's my ho now!
Alabaster: All right, man, you can have her. I got a whole stable full of hos workin' for me in the OK-C. Tammi: I think I would remember you.
Cotton: Don't be too sure, sweet-cheeks -- I've been known to give a girl amneesee. Tammi: Hank, don't! Alabaster's a little guy, but he'll mess you up.
Hank: No offense, but he's from Oklahoma. Peggy: The Thai food was Tammi's idea. The notion of taking it out was mine.
Luanne: You know, someday I would like to travel through Thairabia and see those pyramids. Tammi: My mama and I haven't talked since I dropped out of school. Or maybe it was since I totalled her 'Vette.
Peggy: Your mother drove a Corvette?
Tammi: Chevette.
Bobby: Wow, Dad, how did you know this was going to happen?
Hank: Well, I just know something about human nature, son. If you put teenagers and husky boys and doughnuts all in the same place, you're just asking for trouble. Hank: The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town. Kahn: I heard what you did to Chane Wasonasong. Unforgivable! But then I heard what you did to your father. Very funny. So I'm conflicted. Peggy: That's right, Bobby, I believe you will find that I have no testicles. Where's your secret weapon now?
Kahn: She bluffing! Finish her! Bobby: Pen-and-pencil set? That is very manly! Can I get a bar-mitzvah? I'm willing to celebrate Hanukkah.
Garry: Trust me, it's more work than you're gonna want to put in. I'll tell you what, tomorrow you spend the day with me, and I'll show you how a man enjoys Arizona. By the time you leave here, you'll have hair on your kishkes!
Peggy: If you try to stick the late Peggy Hill in an inferior casket, she will come back to haunt you. I will see to that. Joseph: I got stretch marks on my shoulders and zits on my back. I can't even ride my own bike any more. And a million times a day, my dad asks me "How's the weather up there?"
Bobby: Tell him it's fair to partly stupid.
Joseph: I want a girl too! I just can't stop thinking about 'em! I can't get girls out of my head! Just -- just get out!
Hank: I am not sewing. I am upholstering, which is one of the five original industrial arts.
Dale: Whatever you say, Aunt Bee. Hey, while you're at it, maybe you can quilt one of them coffins for me. It's only a matter of time before Joseph's hormonal rage forces him to kill me in my sleep and marry my mother.
Peggy (lying in her coffin): Oh, Hank, it's like sleeping on a marshmallow. Dooley: Joseph likes to watch. Minh: How did tall, dark and handsome get butt kicked by short, fat and redneck? Connie: I came to apologize and make out with tongues.
Bobby: I don't know where your tongue's been. Oh, wait, yes I do!
Connie: I didn't mean to kiss Joseph. It was just that he was so sad, and tall.
Bobby: And you're so loose, and cheap!
Dale: My Bug-a-bago! What evil hath been wrought to befall this upon me? Peggy: Yes! Yes! Thirteen for thirteen! Uh, huh! In your face, boy-ee! Uh-huh!
Hey, Bobby, it's your birthday, ch-ch-ch-ch ch-ch-ch-ch,
That's right, I served you cake, uh-huh,
I'm Peggy, pull your leg-y,
Oh, Bobby, let's go!
Say what? That's right!
I'm all that, I'm Peggy,
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, get funky!
Hank: You know, Debbie's place is right next to Sugarfoot's. That's quite a coincidence.
Mr. Strickland: No coincidence. I like to eat, I like to hump, and I don't like to drive. So I built Sugarfoot's next to the singles complex.
Hank: Sir, we go back fifteen years, and in all that time I have only had one mistress, and her name is propane. Peggy and I have an understanding about that. Hank: A man came by from the Shiney Pines trailer park, and he said you still got a trailer there.
Luanne: No I don't, it tipped over.
Hank: But it's still there.
Luanne: No, it tipped over!
Hank: Luanne, let me try to explain. I have a beer can. I tip it over. Now, is it still there?
Luanne: I can't live in a beer can. I can live in a trailer, but I don't have a trailer because the trailer tipped over!
Peggy: If they had a sponge that cleaned up broken dreams, Woolworth's would still be in business. Dale: You know how the Egyptians un-tipped the pyramids, don't you? With a winch, a cinder block, and 50,000 Hebrew slaves. You got a cinder block? Luanne: Do you think Alex Trebek is sexy, Aunt Peg?
Peggy: Get out of my mind, Luanne. Hank: Sometimes you gotta stop vomiting in the baby bird's mouth and kick her out of the nest.
Peggy: That's a very clever analogy, but you know from our own sidewalk that we are constantly raking up those little dried-up bird babies. Bobby: Goodbye, Luanne. I want you to know I never read your diary, even though you secretly suspected I did on June 18, 1995.
Peggy: Did you even happen to notice that Luanne was crying when she left here?
Hank: Well, when isn't she crying? She cries at weddings, she cries at funerals, there's no rhyme or reason to it.
Peggy: Luanne loves you, and you have no emotion for her at all?
Hank: I've got plenty of emotions. I was *afraid* she was going to hug me, I was *worried* she wouldn't leave, and I was *happy* when it was over.
Peggy: "I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy, I tell you what." What kind of marriage proposal is that?
Luanne: You know what I'll never forget, was when Uncle Hank was naked --
Peggy: That never happened.
Luanne: But the wind blew all his clothes off.
Hank: Not my underwear.
Luanne: Yes, it did!
Hank: Not my underwear.
Peggy: Not his underwear.
Hank: Whats that smut your listening to?!
Bobby: Its not smut! Its radio disney! "I'm gonna kick your Ass!"
-Hank Damn it Peggy, that boy ain't right.
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