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I always hated makin' love to Big Guy ˜cause he insisted I say "cheese." I got so tired of that. "Cheese, cheese, cheese!
-Mother B Bootsie Westchester's taste in men ranges from King Kong to Lil' Abner, and unfortunately you do not fall into that category!
-Carlotta Beck Anyway, Stanley, you're independently wealthy. You don't need any more cash. I, on the other hand, am just a step away from turning these drapes into a dress.
-Carlotta Beck Were you aware, Marshall, that there is no valet parking at K-Mart?
-Carlotta Beck Well, if you don't mind I think I'd just like to go upstairs and freshen up. You see, I feel like I've been rode hard and put up wet.
-Mother B ...That time at the airport, she got a hold of a microphone and announced that TWA was out of toilet paper.
-Carlotta Beck I just adored high school. I was most popular and queen of everything! Tell me, Carlotta, can you remember as far back as your high school days?
-Kathleen Beck Do you happen to have an overdose of sleeping pills on you?
-Carlotta Beck Now, could we just once, in front of company, have a normal conversation that does not make this family sound like the dumbest, kookiest people on Earth?
-Marshall Beck I have absolutely no intention of havin' a baby. Just because I am a woman, it does not necessarily follow that I enjoy bein' around little people that spit-up on me.
-Carlotta Beck I always wanted a child. Even as a child, I wanted a child because no one wanted to play with me. Now this one will have to, whether he likes it or not, because I said so!
-Marshall Beck They tell me I'm crazy. What do you think?
-Mother B Well, Carlotta, I drink this ˜cause I'm proud. I'm a Pepper... We're all Peppers. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?
-Stanley Beck Oh, young people, old people, what's the difference? They're all high on pain killers!
-Mother B If those thighs get any bigger, you can apply for statehood.
-Carlotta Beck At first it was difficult for me to believe that I could be related, even by marriage, to a woman who thinks the pinnacle of good taste is owning a rug with Elvis Presley's face on it.
-Carlotta Beck I read about a man who won all new wall-to-wall carpetin' that contained the teeniest unidentified larva that eventually caused him to paste a 26-foot tapeworm from his body.
-Bootsie Westchester What are you, some kind of a geriatric groupie?
-Stanley Beck Oh, Stanley, sometimes I want you so much I could just kiss you until I've sucked all the life from your lungs!
-Kathleen Beck I am sick to death of food I have to unfold, unwrap or unscrew!
-Carlotta Beck Marshall, I have not had too much to drink. I know so because when I have had too much to drink, I throw up.
-Mother B Mark my words, Stanley, you cannot go around giving away wealth to people who've never had it. It just makes them more greedy.
-Carlotta Beck Spare us the histrionics. If sex were fast food, there'd be an arch over your bed!
-Carlotta Beck It seems you only bring trouble on yourself tryin' to be somethin' that you're not. Like that man from the Enquirer that I read about who gave himself a sex-change operation and was real sorry afterwards.
-Bootsie Westchester If you refuse to pay servants, you leave us no choice but to adopt small, pliant children from underprivileged countries.
-Carlotta Beck Alright, everybody, rub my bottom and make a wish!
-Mother B Well, my father was not a sentimental man, so I'll just say this: Here's to Big Guy Beck. He lived for better or for worse, but he's dead for good.
-Marshall Beck
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