|
Merry Christmas. Shitter was full!
-Cousin Eddie Merry Christmas. Mery Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass, Kiss your ass. Happy Hannukah.
-Clark Rich neibor: Hey Griswold, where do you think you're going to put a tree that big? Clark: Brnd over and i'll show you.
-Neighbor and Clark Grisworld if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I woulden't be any more surprised than I am right now?
-Clark can I refill your egg nogg for you? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere? Leave you for dead?
-clark Bethanie- Oh dear, did I break wind?
Louis- Jesus, did the room clear out? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.
Bethanie- It's not every day some one moves into a new house.
Louis- They didn't move into a new house!
-Aunt Bethanie and Uncle Louis Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want he
-Clark Ruby sue--"Dads been shittin bricks cause he aint got no monet to buy us anything."
Clark-- "You shouldn't say words like that."
Ruby Sue-- "Sorry, Shittin rocks."
-Ruby Sue and Clark Clark W. Griswold: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber!!! Clarke: "This will be the hap hap happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tapdanced with Danny "f*ckin' Kaye." Clarke: "And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney, he'll see the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse." Next door neighbors-
Margot: Why is the floor all wet todd?
Todd: I DONT KNOW MARGOT. Ellen: Welcome to our home - what's left of it. Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.
Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. [after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines. [a squirrel is loose in the house]
Clark: Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol. Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can't just attack someone.
Margo: Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am. Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas. Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause, very concerned] You serious, Clark? Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay? Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer. Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car... Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels. Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf. Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell. Ellen: "Clark, what's wrong? It's bigger than you expected? Smaller? What is it?"
Clark: "It's a one year membership in the jelly of the month club."
Eddie: "Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year." Russ: "Mom?"
Ellen: "Waht?"
Russ: "This box is meowing."
Clark: "Let me see it. (He shakes up the box and the cat meows.) She wrapped up her damn cat!" Clark: "I can't believe it."
Art: "What is it, a letter confirming your reservation at the nut house?"
Calrk: "It's from my company."
Ellen: "Your bonus."
Clark: "My bonus."
Nora: "Open it Clarkie, open it!"
Eddie: "Yeah, I hope it's a fortune Clark."
Clark: "I'll bet you do Eddie." Clark: "You're pretty set so far as shopping goes?"
Eddie: "Well, I can't lie to you Clark. The truth is, things ain't going too good at all. You know I told you I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine. We live in it. I had to sell off the house, the barn, the ten acres. All I kept was a 50-foot plot, the pigs and the worm farm. If only I had back the money that me and Cathrine sent that TV preacher that was screwing the hockey players."
Clark: "What about the kids?"
Eddie: "His kids can fend for themselves. I don't even..."
Clark: "No, your kids."
Eddie: "Oh, well, that's the bitch of it. Se, I don't know what to do. We coasted into town on fumes. The gas money give out in Gurnee. "
Clark: "Eddie, Ellen and I want to help you give the kids a nice Christmas."
Eddie: "Oh Clark, I couldn't do that."
Clark: "No, no, we insist."
Eddie: "Oh, no; I'm not one for charity, now."
Clark: "Oh, I know that Eddie. This isn't charity; it's family."
Eddie: "Ooh, I don't know about that."
Clark: "Now, come on; if you don't tell me what they want, I,ll go out and get it on my own."
Eddie: "Oh boy, this is a surprise Clark. This is just a real nice surprise. Just a real nice surprise. Here's a little list. Alphabetical, starting with Cathrine. And if it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get something for you Clark. Something really nice." Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...Is innocent. Audrey: [Commenting on sleeping with her brother] I have nightmares about was he does when I'm NOT lying next to him. Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard.
Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room. Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
[Raises class to his mouth]
Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
[Clark nearly chokes on his drink] Art: The little lights... they aren't twinkling.
Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing. Ellen: Clark! I don't want to spend the Holidays dead! Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.
[He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark]
Clark: Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Eddie: Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils. Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?
Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet. Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too. [Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold!
Clark: I wasn't talking to you! Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever. [as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. [after reaching the Griswolds' house]
Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Clark: Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello? Clark: Later dudes! Let er' rip, hang ten! Clark: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? Clark Sr.: SQUIRREL! Clark: [Handing Christmas lights to Russ] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [Pulls out a beach-ball sized tangle of lights] Oops. Little knot here, you can work on that. [Hands it to Russ] Eddie: [talking about Snots] He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if your wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish. [Snots is choking under the table making it shake]
Clark: Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
[Snots gags again, table shakes]
Eddie: (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakin' on a bone.
[Snots loudly coughs up the bone]
Eddie: He got it up.
Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?
Eddie: No... He was probably just nosin' through the trash. Clark: "You want to ride behind someone who does something that? I'm going to pull around him and leave him safely behind us. Burn some dust here. Eat my Rubber!"
Clark: "Eat my road grit, liver lips!" Clark: "We're all right. Thank God we're all right."
Ellen: "Clark, we're stuck under a truck."
Clark: "Do you honestly think I don't know that?"
Audrey: "Come on you guys, don't fight."
Clark: "For Christ's sake, I didn't do this on purpose." Ellen: "Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, and forgive my husband, he knows not what he does."
Clark: "Amen!"
Ellen: "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!"
Clark: "We made pretty good time." Russ: "Dad, didn't they invent Christmas tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole Saturday?"
Clark: "They invented them, Russ, because people forgot how to have a fun old fashioned family Christmas, and are satisfied with scrawny, dead, overpriced trees that have no special meaning."
Audrey: "My toes are numb."
Clark: "You see kids, this is what our fore fathers did."
Audrey: "I can't feel my legs."
Clark: "They walked out into the woods, they picked out that special tree and they cut it down with their bare hands."
Audrey: "Mom, I can't feel my hips!"
Ellen: "Clark."
Clark: "Yes honey?"
Ellen: "Audrey's frozen from the waste down."
Clark: "Ah, it's all part of the experience honey." Russ: Dad, did you bring a saw? Grandma Nora: Sweetheart, your grandma Nora's got a real painful burr on my heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter. Okay?
Russ: [scared] A quarter. A whole quarter!
Grandma Nora: And, I'll give Audrey a quarter too, Audrey! TV Parade Announcer: Boy, these gusty winds appear to be playing havoc with the giant nutcracker float. At this point, I can't even see the nuts. They must have blown away. Oh here they are. Here come the nuts. Clark: "The house lights don't work, the flood lights don't work."
Ellen: "Well, is it plugged in?"
Clark: "Honey, do you honestly think I would check thousands of little lights if I wasn't sure the extension cord was plugged in." Eddie: "The house sure does look swell Clark."
Clark: "Thanks Eddie. I hope it enhances you holiday spirit. Dear Catherine... Eddie?"
Cathrine: "Oh, the house is gorgeous Clark."
Clark: "Eddie?"
Eddie: "I hope you didn't do all this on our account Clark. Kids, come on out here and see what Uncle Clark's done to the house."
Clark: "Eddie?" Cathrine: "You remember Ruby Sue?"
Frances: "Oh yeah. Oh my gosh, her eyes aren't crossed anymore."
Eddie: "That's something ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I dunno." [Snots is drinking from the tree's water]
Clark: "Hey! Get out of there! Snots! Yo!"
Eddie: "Oh, don't worry about it Clark. A little tree water ain't going to hurt him. Before we left, he drank half a quart of Penzoil. Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning, whoa!" Eddie: "Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey. And, the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career."
Clark: "College?"
Eddie: "Carnival."
Clark: "You got to be proud."
Eddie: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, He'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak woman. You ever see her?"
Clark: "No."
Eddie: "She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And, a hell of a good cook." Eddie: "Well, don't go putting none of that stuff on my sled Clark. You know that metal plate in my head?"
Clark: "Ah! How could I forget?"
Eddie: "I had to have it replaced, because everytime Cathrine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about a half-hour or so. So, over at the VA, they had to replace it with a plastic one. It ain't as strong. So, I don't know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic."
Clark: "You really think it matters Eddie?"
Eddie: "Well, see the plate runs right underneath the part here. See, over here, nothing. But, here if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't going to look right." Clark: "It's a good idea you came to stay with us, isn't it?"
Ruby Sue: "I love it here. You don't got to put your coat to go to the bathroom. And your house is always parked in the same place." Clark: "How can they have nothing for their children?"
Ellen: "Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years."
Clark: "In seven years, he couldn't find a job?"
Ellen: "Cathrine says, he's been holding out for a management position." Art: You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off. Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen. Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations... Clark: [so cold his tongue begins to freeze] The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree ith a thymbol of the thpirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath. Mrs. Shirley: "Yes officer, it seems my husband has been abducted. The man was was wearing a blue leisure suit. And the plates were from Kansas I... He was a huge, beastly, bulging man and..." Clark: "It's the Christmas star, and that's all that matters tonight. Not bonuses, or gifts, or turkeys or trees. See kids, it means something different to everybody, and now I know what it means to me."
Uncle Lewis: "That ain't the firggen Christmas star, Griz. It's a light on the sewage treatment plant." [Clark has started up the chainsaw]
Audrey: "He's got that crazed look in his eye."
Russ: "I told you we should have gone to Hawaii."
Ellen: "Turn that thing off and get in the house!" Clark: "The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap. When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave a luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and... And Eddie with a man with a man in his pajamas with a dog chain tied to his wrists and ankles. What the...?" Audrey: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.
Art: If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it. [talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped. Eddie: If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all. Eddie: Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour. Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic. Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
Todd: I don't *know*, Margo! Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home. Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights. Clark Griswold: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season. Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That's my name.
Clark: No shit. Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it. Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it. Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.
Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany... Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey. Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
|
